Jesse-time!

I haven't posted a Jesse-story in a while. Today's "Topic du Jour" among us (Dr. J and I) and the CA Crew (Adrian, Noah, Kirsten, Jesse) was bizarre work stories. As always, Jesse wins. So I am honoring by posting his story . . . .

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I have an employer story too. Not as good as Kirsten's naked-key story...

This was not my lawyer job. I was in Vegas with three guys we worked for the same company at a seminar/trade show type deal.

The boss, (my friend-"Joe") and a crew head "John" were in one room at the tropicana. I basically did sales and paperwork, had a room with another crew chief.

Joe, John, and I played blackjack all night across the street at New York, New York. Joe was talking to one nice girl at the table. We left Joe there with girl late..like 3 am before our 8 am seminar as scheduled. Next morning early (7:30 am) crew chief John calls me. says meet me in lobby...now..

I meet him, he says stay close. I say wtf? Did Joe score last night? He says yes he did. I said at your guys room? He says "Yes". I say with that girl from the blackjack table? He says "no":.

.."With two black hookers and a pile of coke...and now one of them is pissed he didn't pay wwhat he was supposed to pay or whatever and they both blew him and I am fukcin married and I do not need this shite and you are goin in there to help his ass out..."

Fukc

So we go in. Joe is in there unconscious. there are rolled up dollar bills and condoms allover the bed and table... we wake joe. Joe calls his sister (for whatever reason not his girlfriend) in Califonia to get her ass to the supermarket and wire him TWELVE HUNDRED BUCKS I find out there is no Wetern union at our hotel (how dumb for a casino) so we have to walk to NY NY to get it. Joes sister wants to talk to me. Fcuk.

She says what happened? I say we got out of line at a Blackjack table and they put Joe in jail. She goes to wire the money. Me and John and two ghetto ass black hookers walk in scalding heat across a bridge to NY NY . On the walk, the one better looking one is selling still to us "I don't just do this I like to fukc" you guys like to fukc?

i am the only single one and I am not touching it but they kept trying..gott give it to them for persistence...

20 minutes of garbage talk later, the money came. We paid them (too much I'm sure) and we skipped the rest of the seminar and drank.

What happens in Vegas...bullshite..

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Gawd, I love Jesse. I am gonna have to nag him for my scamming-on-unsuspecting-young-chicks stories. I especially miss the segments on Young Darcy ;o)

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse

We haven't had a good ol' Jesse story in a while. Which is why I was delighted when I woke up this morning and found he had sent us ("FireCracker"/me, his sister-in-law "ManHands"/Adrian, and "Chrissie"/Kirsten) this lil' gem late last night.

I love Jesse. It's like glimpsing in upon my Dad, 20 years ago. He's such a cad, ya can't help but loving him. He makes me wish I could be a guy once in a while, just to pull off such wickedly masterful sexual chess moves. Well played, Jesse, as always! We bow in your princely presence ;o)

Without further ado, Jesse, in his own words . . . .

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I am getting old.

Well...okay one story...

This week ... Monday... well ... you may recall I told you about a girl named Morgan. I wrote you about a time maybe 6 months ago, when she invited me over to her place where she lived with her boyfriend. For a BBQ. She is HOT girl from Indiana. 25 years old, free spirit. etc. Looks like the girl next door... well ... really she looks like the girl that was in the Eastwood movie about the boxer. Hillary Swank I think. Yes. Exactly like her but dark hair.

I was so happy to go because she has a handful of hot 20-something friends.

Well, I did not score any friends. But I kept friends with her, knowing full well her Indiana boyfirend was nice, but wasn't gonna be able to hold up against the guys like me out here for long. She is just too hot and friendly. A nightmare to have for a girlfriend for sure, flirtatious, drinks a lot, sexual ... bad news for any boyfriend.

Sure enough, they break up a month or so ago. She calls for help getting her stuff back, I arrange it, I don't call her afterwards.

She texts, "We should get a beer", we do. I'm cool, no hitting on her at all, just gettin her drunk and making her laugh. (I am buying drinks). I take her home, I am cool ... she sits next to me ... we make out, she is saying stuff like, 'This isn't gonna make it weird if I'm out with other guys, etc. I mean, you gotta promise me to be cool" etc. I'm like, "yeah don't be calling me all the time and shit" I pull part one of the move of all time. Sensing she is worried about my age and if I'm gonna get too attached and she doesn't want to go all the way yet, I mean she does, I know, but she doesn't want to be too slutty. So ... I just leave. I say hey thanks so much for spending your time with me, I gotta go, hope I see you soon.

She thinks I'm 35. So got that lie workin, But I think lying about your age is okay.

The following week. I do not call her, but then I have cause to go to a place where her hot friend Brittney works. I talk business with Brittney (both these girls are really cool and smart actually). Brit is not as hot as Morgan. But hot.

Part two of the move: I text Morgan, that " I just did some work with Brittney, she is pretty hot. Sneaky hot. Didn't realize it at first." She texts back "yeah, I know".

I don't let go because I'mplaying with her insecurities now ... text back: "Her heat is not right away like yours, You were hot when I first saw you she is a later hot". I know she talks to Brittney every ten minutes.

The next day she texts that I should get sushi with her that night. I say no. but I'd do beers after, and I'll call her at 8.

I text. she is done eating, went home, I text ... do you want to get a beer?

And I wait. I know that if she wants to see me right now ... it's on. If she says no ... it will never happen but it will happen with Brittney.

She says ok. I go to get condoms.

I pick her up, take her to the local bar. get her drunk as hell. take her home, we go in and her shirt is off in about 4 minutes (bra I removed in one minute). She says "you gotta promise me it's not gonna get weird with you, guys change" -- she meant like I'd want to be her boyfriend. I laughed. "No worries there beauty".

Got her naked and she went WILD. Crazy good sex. Great ... But I am old, and after once I was done and wanting to go (still had my undershirt, and socks on) . I put on drawers and one leg of jeans and she is curling up in my lap all naked with the "doon't goooo ... I want you to stayyy"... " Gotta go, sorry, had enough beer to snore all night and you won't sleep anyway" "So its just fuck me and leave" ..."well....yeah, but no reflection on you, you know I'm busy and I got shit I gotta do".

So I just left her ass. Wednesday, my buddy I own horses with had a food/wine pairing thing at his resteraunt, I failed to get Kia to come, so then, I hit Morgan last minute ... (one hour prior) ... she says I'll be ready in 15 minutes ... We did have a Blast.

Life is pretty good.

Liz wants me over at her sister's party tonight, but I'm kinda poor, and tired, so I'm going to bed. And dream about Britney. or Kia, but not Morgan ... If I do that I'll lose my edge.

Please forward this to Doc J.

I . . . WANT . . . MY . . . 2.0. NOW!

I can't believe how quiet my world is with our beloved 2.0 off in Japan for a few weeks. Seriously, it feels like cyber-torture to await her pending January 9th arrival back on American soil.

It has sucked big time having her gone. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

The whole gang seems to have lost its magic -- the mojo is just ABSENT without our Chrissie here to keep us trudging along.

If ManHands brought us all together, it's 2.o who is the social secretary of the gang.

2.0 -- I WUV YOU AND MISS YOU. Dammit. And so does Louis Vuitton.

Excuse Me? Could You Repeat That?!

What a week. Soooo much has happened in the past 7 days. Some good, some irritating, much of it stressful. But damn if there haven't been some CLASSIC lines uttered! So many, in fact, that I feel compelled to record them. Thus, in no particular order . . . .

• JAY: "Break out the phucking Taylor!"
• MS. J/FC: "Why are fat people always munching on funnel cake? How come you never see them snacking on some fruit?"
• ADRIAN/MH: "Who is Ron Jeremy?'
• JESSE: "Do not google 'Ron Jeremy' from work."
• MS. J/FC: "Oh, I'm taking it to DEFCOM 2."
• KIRSTEN/CHRISSIE/2.0: "Speak Engrish!"
• HOT MARY: "He brought the Pancakes? What a jerk."
• ERIN (wtf? We don't even know her!): "You need to come hit this every two weeks or so, Asshole!"
• DR. J: "If she wants you to hit it every two weeks then who is hitting it during the off week?"
• FC: "Gawd knows if she is this horny and will let you roll around in there sans latex, she got the WHOLE TOWN in there."
• CHRISSIE: "It probably smells like skank down there."
• FC: "Dude, you got laid 2x's in under 18 hours AND ate the tasty free samples at Sam's -- WTF more do you want? Man up, already!"
• MS. J: "So we moved the bag of tricks & nudie photos to his office, and she never even looked in a single drawer?!"
• GREG: "They're PAVING Carson Street?!?!"
• LORI: "He's fat."
• MS. J: "I hate or resent everybody, with the exception of Nate. And possibly Maya, but the jury's still out on her."
• SPC SHANNON: "Grapes REFUSED to sign the card."
• HAMSTER: "Tell Da Weeter about our many nights spent on surveillance, Jen!"
• YMCA SHANNON: "Eric, did you try one of Ms. J's fried Oreo's? I hear it's all soft and yummy in the middle."
• ERIC: "When I try one of her Oreo's it's Double Stuft."
• FATHER MIKE: "Elsie is the bane of my existence. She's a pain in my ass."
• DR. J: "Don't worry Padre, what you say to me is confidential, like doctor-patient."
• ADRIAN: "A pretty face doesn't make a pretty cunt."
• GREG: "Phucking PennDOT!"
• HOT MARY: "But Doug says it's a very nice trailer."
• LOU-BEE: "Michael McDonald ruined the Doobie Brothers."
• BIG BILL: "Your brother announced he's not taking the LSAT. He's decided to become a Navy fighter pilot instead."
• DR. J: "Yeah, my in-laws worked security for the Parish Festival on Thursday Night. What did they do? I have no idea. They could entertain themselves with phucking toothpicks."
• HAMSTER: "I love church festival food!"
• DEREK: "Choco Taco? Sounds dirty! I'll be there."
• MS. J: "Just what Lou needs, a funnel cake."

Acronym School

I don't even know where to begin . . . I'm no angel, but sometimes even I stumble across these moments in which I feel like an Amish schoolgirl, sweet and innocent, and unknowing.

So as Dr. J and I were falling asleep last night, we watched one of those classic VH1 offerings, called "40 Most Softsational Soft Rock Songs" -- you know, one of those it's so bad it's good episodes?! We LOVE those shows, especially since we can entertain each other for hours with our own non-stop smart ass remarks about what we see and observe on t.v. and in public (gawd, do we love to peoplewatch!)

Anyhoo, as they are reviewing these awesomely bad songs, mainly from the 70's and 80's, they have comedians offer smart ass remarks throughout. So during the recap of one song, some female comedian makes a crack about "JBF Hair".

"JBF Hair"??? Dr. J and I look at each other -- WTF is that?!

JBF Hair . . . JBF Hair . . . awesomely bad soft rock songs . . . JBF Hair . . . what does this mean?!?!?!

OHMIGAWD -- then it hits us!

JUST BEEN FUCKED HAIR!!!

LOL! Yeah, you know it, girl! Half your hair is still styled/curled, the other sweaty, or straight, or has some jism substance dried in it . . . ROTFLMAO! Ohmigawd, we were wide awake, laughing like two higher-than-kite frat boys!

I consider myself "hip" to the lingo the kids use nowadays, but "JBF Hair" is new to me, and Dr. J! I will be checking with my 20 year old brother, "Mr. Bill," to see if this term is making the rounds on college campuses.

How psyched am I to have LEARNED SOMETHING OF VALUE last night?!

Of course, we immediately thought of Jesse, and what tales of JBF Hair he may have to tell -- now and in the future!!!

Can't wait to hear Jesse work this phrase into his latest tale of debauchery!!!

Dad, Meet Jesse. . . . Jesse, Meet My Dad!

Okay, so there are 5 of us all dialed into this crazy exchange of dating stories, which are both outrageous and highly entertaining: Me (code name: FireCracker), Adrian (ManHands), Kirsten (Chrissie/2.0), Dr. J (Doc), and Jesse (um, just Jesse?!).

Mainly, we live vicariously through Jesse's INSANE, often downright heinous, yet highly successful stories of bedding chicks. Usually these stories involve a mix of the serious consumption of booze, twisted logic, and a high degree of mental karate.

Dr. J and I believe Jesse has GOT to be my father's long lost son -- his antics just remind me of my Dad, back in his heyday. Only Jesse is even more brazen.

So my Dad came over this weekend to help Dr. J move a heavy piece of furniture from the basement to the kitchen. Dr. J had cooked a delicious assortment of brunch foods, and we three sat around chatting while chowing down.

We began relating some of the Jesse stories to Dad (a.k.a. "Big Bill"), and how Jesse had expressed his delight in some of my Dad's great lines and attitudes. Big Bill LOVED the stuff about Jesse defiling young Darci at a party with her boyfriend and family present, which caught Big Bill's attention and had him remarking "Whoa! I've never been THAT bold!" He loved it, though.

And THEN, Big Bill gave the following delicious anecdote (a monologue) . . . .

"I remember in my bachelor days, that would be in-between marriages when I was not quite so fat, I was driving that great black Lincoln, remember that car, honey (me)? And I would make sure I'd pull it up real slow in front of this one bar, so that everyone would see it out front, and the women would see me getting out of it. I'd walk in, and spot some woman sitting at the bar, all dolled up, alone. I'd get a drink, then try to strike up a conversation with her. They always would say they were just grabbing a drink after work, and try to make it sound accidental that I would happen upon them there, by themself. Yeah, right! I'd look them straight in the eye and say . . . 'Honey, c'mon, who you kidding? You're sitting here alone, drinking a $4 glass of wine -- who are you kidding? You tell your old man you were going to a tupperware party? Why don't we cut to the chase, and you just tell me what time you have to be home tonight?!' Man, those were the days."

WE WERE LAUGHING SO HARD IT HURT!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so proud -- yep, that's how MY DAD ROLLED!