Scared But Plugging/Perspective

Two new "hits" (as I call 'em) have once again knocked me back on my ass. One is a change in health insurance at my normally wonderful, big girl job - which could essentially cost me $1,250-$2,500 a year. The other is an out of nowhere (and undeserved) doubling of interest rate on my sole credit card (and I am a good customer, carrying a balance but not too big of one).

I had just started to feel like maybe, just maybe, things were settling down. Like we just might finally treading be adequately treading water. But I don't handle surprises well (okay, I handle them like a trauma victim who has been scared shitless, and I freak out and hyperventilate), and I literally have been on the verge of panic attacks all week. I actually had two in a row yesterday, and the lump that formed in my throat felt like I was being swiftly strangled to death.

Nothing, NOTHING, is more sacred to me than financial stability. Alright, first it's my kid's health and safety (but geez, that's the same for everybody). THEN, it's financial stability. Notice I didn't say financial "security," I have switched to "stability" as my emotional survival plan. I keep thinking I should be comforted by the fact that lots of people are having even harder times right now . . . but gawd, I don't give a shit. I care about MY shit, not their shit!!!

I am tired of the up and down feelings . . . one minute I am minute hopeful, one minute sad. One minute delighted, one minute exasperated. One minute re-charged, one minute rundown. One minute invigorated, one minute resigned. One minute treading, one minute slipping. LOL, if going back on anxiety meds would eliminate the trick I'd do it - but then I'd be bitching about the co-pay and the weight gain (which would in turn cause me to need to buy bigger clothes, and once again I'd have even NEWER shit to be upset about, yippee!!!)

I am trying (trying) to locate my lost balance, and put it back together. I see bits and pieces of it from time to time . . . Lil Pumpkin getting more independent, she is back to her regular self after some regressive weeks post-surgery, and she is much more comfortable with transitions. I am finding that I am doing a better job at working more efficiently within the hours I do have, and even managing (some days) to haul ass outta bed wee early and plunk onto the treadmill. It ain't perfect, but it's better. Dr. J is doing a much better job at keeping up on things around the house, and even semi-power cooking more than half of the time. We are close to resolving 1/2 of our car woes (please, Jesus!), and maybe, just maybe, our meeting with the bank manager will result in some restructuring that will result in: (A) me breathing, (B) Dr. J feeling empowered, and (C) less tension between us. I won't even hope for (D) some excess money to go out to (gasp) dinner on occasion, but if it happens, mazel tov!

The mantra that Deanna (who brought home 11 month old twin girls from China) gave me helps when it comes to Lil Pumpkin -- "think back not to yesterday, but a month ago, and see how things have gotten better, gotten easier, gotten more manageable. "

Now I just need a mantra to help me deal with my financial anxiety. Right now the best I can come up with is "Everybody else feels phucked, too. Please refill my wine glass!"

Speaking of which, we need to restock.

I Should Play the Lottery

I just returned from having a medical/cosmetic procedure done on my face that I was extremely nervous about. Basically, it was to have a couple of teeny cysts removed that, while benign, have been bugging me and making me inscure about my non-makeup face. Part of my reluctance to have this taken care of was due to it being benign, which means "not covered by insurance."

The dermatologist told me it would probably run anywhere from $350 - $500 for the removal, and referred me to a cosmetic dermatologist.

I won't lie . . . it was, um, painful. Repeatedly. But the pain was lessened by the cost: $25. Yes, just $25. Three different office staff (including the one doing the removal) said "$25." I paid cash, have a receipt that says paid in full, and went on my still-hurting-but-otherwise-merry-way. They also gave me an Rx to help even out my complexion which I was CERTAIN would not be covered by insurance, but I figured, what the heck, I should just get it filled.

The pharmacy called me 10 minutes ago with the cost . . . COVERED BY MY INSURANCE (due to the diagnosis code the Physican's Asst put on the Rx), and thus IT'S ONLY A $10 CO-PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so friggin' happy!!!

And my face is reasonably presentable, too! (I had envisioned a week of Nico.le R.itchie behavior, wearing giant sunglasses to avoid being viewed as hideous by the public, LOL).

Off to get my hair cut now - yes, a full day of beauty (if you count yesterday's manicure, too).

My Friends Are Insane

How do I even explain THIS?! Okay, here goes . . .

The aforementioned "Man Hands" (Adrian from CA) has two hobbies which I consider bizarre. One is bird-watching, the other is collecting the state quarters the U.S. Mint has put out over the past few years.

Well, last year about this time I joked something like "hey, I have the new Montana one!" and ManHands immediately replied that she did NOT have it, wanted it, and if I sent it to her in CA she would give me a dollar in return. I did send it, and really didn't expect anything in return. After all, this woman has let us camp out at her lovely beachfront home for free TWICE.

Fast forward to Monday of this week, when instigator "2.0" pipes up with an inquiry as to whether ManHands ever sent me that dollar for the quarter? I say no, 2.0 chides her for not mailing it since I am "with child" and thus need money. I then teased ManHands that she should send it via F.edEx since I was flying away to China this Friday.

I guess ManHans decided to be a smart ass (gawd, I love smart asses!), 'cause look at what I received at work this morning . . .



A freakin' $1.oo bill, and one individually-wrapped Twi.zzler, courtesy of ManHands and her company's Fe.dEx account (gotta love those internet companies that don't watch their bottom line that carefully, LMAO!)

I am so anxious right now, that this insane delivery made me whoop it up pretty damn loud! I think I frightened my company's receptionist, hee hee.

It's the little things that put a smile on my face, and this most certainly did.

I wuv you ManHands!!!! (Can we all now change into our jammies, braid each others hair, and bake brownies?!)

Best Week Ever

Congrats to Dr. J, since last week was your "Best Week Ever"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, this was quite predictable, as you know . . . since THIS one is a holiday weekend. And then in three weeks we are taking off for another freakin' continent. OF COURSE THEN EVERYBODY WILL WANT A PIECE OF YOU!

Very proud of you, Sweetie ;o)

F' Mick.ey M.ouse. And F' Me, too.

I can not believe this. I received in the mail some piece of paper from some bank or whatever saying that during transfer of paperwork that contained shareholder information of Disney stockholders, a truck lost or misplaced some boxes that contained paperwork with my private information. I think this means IDENTITY THEFT is imminent. Of course it is. They are offering me 90 days of free credit monitoring, but actually I am not too worried because (through an employee benefit) I already have a credit monitoring service that checks my credit reports monthly for anything funky.

All this, because like 20+ years ago somebody in the family (I think my Dad?) bought me two friggin' shares of Disney stock. From which I get dividends yearly that add up to about 78 cents. Really, I am NOT exaggerating. It ranges from 43 to 97 cents in a given year. It costs me more to have this shit noted on my taxes returns and turn it over to the CPA.

So, I say FUCK M.ICKEY MO.USE!!!

And now, for the F' Me portion of the program . . .

I have been waaaaaay M.I.A. from my blog (well, this one at least), and my emails, and my workouts, and just generally absentminded. I don't like that. I miss the subsistence I had created for myself, even if I am moving onward and upward. But part of why I have been so M.I.A. lately is because I have been wrapped up in trying to help someone who has become very dear to me. This friend has been (in my blunt words), been operating in some other alternate reality . . . they weren't keeping aware of just what their situation was and is. I guess because I have/am/are kinda been there/done that, the things I said to this friend was a massive jolt to them, and it snapped them into acknowledging what their reality is, and examining themself and their options.

To put it mildly, I felt like a Dream Crusher. Like I sucked the wind out of someone's sails. I rained on their parade. I stole the rainbow they were painting.

I felt, and still do, feel terrible about all of this. I know I did the right thing by gently enlightening them (yes, stop snickering, I do actually have my gentle moments). It will help them in the long run to know the truth, and maybe they will learn from my own proactivity that burying your head in the sand won't fill an aching hole in your heart.

I want so badly to comfort this friend. And I have spent much free time over the past two weeks trying to do so. And to even help them acquire the mental and physical tools to empower themself. I have done so at risk to my personal well-being, and schluffed off some of my work responsibilities in order to do so. (I don't regret the latter).

I just feel crummy about all of it. I did nothing wrong, I am being uber-helpful to them.

I still feel like "DREAM CRUSHER" should be stamped on my forehead. SIGH.

Wa.l-M.art puts the squeeze on food costs

Yeah, so many people bitch and moan about W.al-Ma.rt, but THEY are doing things to help us with our grocery bill!!! And they are doing it in ways that are energy-conscious and capitalist-themed.

So SCREW YOU, haters!!!