Ping-Ping

Okay, I hope I am not recounting too much of what some of you already may know, but if I am bear with me (it's hard to keep track of who knows what sometimes -- some folks are more interested in the tiny details than others, ya know).

Let us scroll back our collective calendars to July 26th, while I was in Ft. Lauderdale. As you may recall, we were scrambling to get our I-600A form ("Foreign Orphans Petition" filed with Homeland Security, because effective July 30th, the fee would rise from $540 to something like $685. BUT in order to do so we needed the completed Home Study from Catholic Chairites and our caseworker MaryLou (the lady with the breathy, high-pitrched voice, remember?!) Mary Lou had said it would only take her 3 weeks to complete, and it was going on week 5 (note: even 5 weeks is amazingly fast -- most places take 3 months to complete this report!) But we finally get it, and while I am in Florida Dr. J submits the I-600A and the notarized Home Study (you will learn the power of a notary as this SAGA phucking continues!)

We also had to send Homeland Security a check for $140 ($70 each) for "Biometrics" -- which is the fingerprinting they do on us now, and again before we leave for China, years from now.

On August 1st we receive a letter, DATED July 30th, from Homeland Security to get our asses down to their Pittsburgh office THAT WEEK for fingerprinting -- WOO HOO! That was SUPER-FAST!!! (MaryLou was amazed). Now, the letter tells us if we don't make it down there THAT week (which gives us until Saturday, August 4th), we can only them come down on WEDNESDAYS in the weeks after for fingerprinting. (Please note, my Wednesdays for the several weeks following were already scheduled up REALLY tight, which meant we were even more motivated to get down there THAT WEEK).

So the following day, Thursday, August 2nd we decided Dr. J will pick me up at my office at 11 a.m. and we'll go downtown, get fingerprinted, grab a quick hot dog at Franktuary, and then he'll drop me back at work. Only I wake up Thursday morning not feeling so hot. I puke about 4 times before I leave for work. But dammit, I am determined to go in to the office and get this "biometrics" thing over with.

I get to work, puke a good dozen more times. Everyone at office is whispering I am pregnant -- FOR THE LAST GAWDAMN TIME I AM NOT PREGNANT! I want to burst into tears every time someone makes that joke! (I know THEY don't know my history, but I will NEVER make that joke to someone EVER again!)

Dr. J picks me up. I am so sick. We get to the parking lot. Of course we have to drive up 10 twisty ramps to the 10th floor to find a mid-day parking spot. I am seriously ill at this point. I finally admit there is no way I am gonna make it out of this car, let alone walk 3 blocks and be fingerprinted. And now my lower abs-area HURTS! He calls our GP, and both think it's appendicitis or an ovarian cyst (I know it's not, but am too ill to speak). Next thing I know I am being examined on a gurney at Mercy Hospital, and being given intravenous shots of nausea medication (5 in all, and 2 shots for pain). They make me drink mass quanitities of this gawdawful contrasting dye to prep me for a CT Scan. I make it into the tube for the scan, but the moment I am out, BLEH -- up comes the contrasting dye (made it into a can, thank gawd). Everything on my body hurts and I am sick as a phucking dawg. I was at the hospital for 6 hours and SURPRISE, NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, except for some 24 hour vomitting virus. I go home, sleep for 12 hours (That is probably the most shocking thing of all). Went back to work the next day, feeling 70% better, but with nada appetite.

Finally, on Saturday, still a bit icky, we go down and get fingerprinted. No line, easy deal. Thanks goodness.

Soooo, on August 7th Dr. J and I had to Mercy Hospital again to our G.P.'s office (we usually go to an office of his much closer ot our home) to have him fill out yet another series of medical paperwork on us. Although we already had him give us physicals to satisfy Catholic Charities, we need another series of paperwork to certify us "healthy" for the Chinese government. Oi Vey. Only, Holt advises us to sit there with the physician, and make sure he doesn't put down that Dr. J takes allergy medicine (don't ask, apparently it doesn't make the Chinese happy -- they see it as "Respiratory Problems"), yadda, yadda.

Part of having the physicals done AGAIN by our G.P. at Mercy involved us having to have a "travelling notary" show up at Dr. Patel's office and certify Dr. Patel's signature as being indeed his. Really. Again, required by Chinese Gov't. It took Dr. J alot of effort and phone calls to find a notary who would travel, and on short notice. But he found one who would come out, for a $50 charge (not unreasonable, in notary world -- but we had been having everything notarized via "State Senator Hottie's" office, who was doing it for free as a "constituent service"). But hey, what could we do, right?!

So much for keeping the adoption on the "down-low" at work . . .

Well, the Travelling Notary showed up on time, and they showed him into the exam room where the three of us were (we were all dressed -- it was just paperwork, actually) . . . and the notary was a rather active member of my organization. Really. A former past-president of our Board of Directors, even. Sheesh. Unbelievable. Phuck.

It's not that the adoption is some shameful dark secret, but I wanted to keep it under wraps at work, lest I encounter the following:

1. A bunch of intrusive questions about my gynecological well-being (it's ALWAYS 100% the woman's problem, right?!)
2. A bunch of suggestions to "Just Relax" or "Try Doing it In the Back Seat of a Car on prom Nite" (yes, I have had this said to me -- and by two different people!)
3. Interrogated as to "Why China?" (WHY NOT! Everything else is made there!)
4. Worries that I am going on some sort of maternity leave TOMORROW (hullo -- it takes 2 years to get her through customs -- but explaining THAT somehow makes me an ambassador of all things adoption and they then want to have the ENTIRE process explained in-depth!)
5. Questions about whether I will still be working at mu current job (yes -- because I need to pay off the adoption and re-invest money in my retirement account)
6. Assurances that "you'll get pregnant while you're waiting" -- as if I am going through the expensive, time-consuming process of adopting because I think it's a magical fertility treatment?! (Um, never wanted to be pregnant in first place, folks! And certainly don't want to ever again! It's just a means to an end!)
7. Don't want to be continually asked "Is she here yet?" (Um, no, and you asking me over the next two years will not pass the time more quickly for me, thank you very much).

Luckily, I was honest with my boss about this all along, but I still had to tell him about what happened with Notary, so he could be prepared when/if he starts getting inquiries about all of this from others in the organization.

One good thing, the notary -- being a member of the organization I am employed by, he refused to let us pay him the $50 fee he had quoted on the phone. "Professional discount," he said. Then he asked me about any upcoming golf outings. Okay, I see where this is going! Must find a couple golf outings to send him to, gratis. Will do!

The following day I had to go in for my polypectomy and another D&C. Guess what?! They get in there, and NO PHUCKING POLYP! Just a build-up of endometrium [sp?], which they scraped out. Sometimes this happens -- it presents on the sonoHSG as a polyp, but isn't in the end. Still, it ticks ya off a bit to have your va-jay-jay in pain and go through taking time off work, feeling like shit, put my sex life on hold, yadda, for NOTHING!

Honestly, my life IS stranger than fiction!

While all of this was going on, in early-mid August I decided to go back to see my prior counselor for a couple of sessions. Didn't want to while home study was going on, out of fear of being labeled something I am not (like psycho) though I did disclose I have seen one in past . But I was having a lot of many dark moments again, so to say (not like I am gonna hurt myself or anything dumb like that -- but like bursting into tears, more easily irritated than usual, lack of concentration, easily frustrated, yadda, yadda). Also, I kept having these "flashbacks" about the m/c -- to specific moments, and they would seemingly come out of nowhere, and all of a sudden my throat would tighten up and I was wanting to cry uncontrollably, and at inappropriate moments, like a business meeting.

Sorry, don't mean to sound messy. Just acknowledging some tough moments. And with the adoption finally feeling "real" I know I need to deal with this some more. I think I was also hyped up via a new round of suddenly pregnant women popping up everywhere I turned. I know the "it just happened" pregnant folks (grrr!) will never go away -- so I need to cope better with how I deal with them. Cause at that point my best coping mechanism was fantasies of mowing them down with a dump truck.

I am kidding. Sort of.

So fast forward (a little bit), to the following week. We FINALLY had all but two pieces of the adoption paperwork Holt needed collected, notarized, and FedExed off to Holt -- woo-hoo! (The two things we still needed were a copy of the photo/signature page of our passports, which we applied for the first week of June, but still hadn't arrived yet, and the I-171H form from Homeland Security -- more on both of these later].

Dr. J and I were soooooooooo proud of ourselves, getting everything in like this, so quickly and efficiently, despite some obstacles! But then it was like . . . take a step forward, take two steps back, take a step forward, no, two more phucking steps back . . . and here's why . . . .

We get an e-mail from Holt that about 75% of the notarized adoption paperwork we sent them had to be RE-NOTARIZED, by a different notary! WHY?! When you get something notarized it will say that the notary's "Commission Expires _____" and give some date in the future. Two of the three notaries we used had commissions that expire in November 2007. (The travelling notary had one expiring in 2010). WELL, Holt said the Chinese Gov't will want to see these forms notarized by folks whose Commissions expiring at least 6 months from now, so we need to find notaries whose commissions expire in 2009 or later, just to be on the safe side.

WHAT THE FUCK???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand the problem, I don't even question it. But why the phuck weren't we warned of this BEFORE we had all of this shit notarized!?!?!?!?

"State Senator Hottie's" office has THREE people who can notarize documents -- two of whom have commissions that expire in 2010. WE used the one who had the commission expiring in November 2007, of course. OF COURSE! So Holt was returning all of this gawddamn phucking, phucking, PHUCKING paperwork, we which had so quickly and proudly scrambled to complete to us. MOTHER-PHUCKERS!!!

So upon learning this info on Wednesday, August 15th, I had what can best be described as a full-fledged meltdown. Dr. J was with a patient when I learned all of this via e-mail, so I called my friend dear Lori and just SOBBED on the phone. I literally whined to her, (I hate whining!)through my tears, "It's just not fair! I feel like saying phuck all this and going to Dr. Wakim's office and telling him to shoot me up with those eggs so I don't have to deal with all of this judging and public bullshit anymore." She was very soothing, didn't try to "fix" anything (I hate when people do that -- cause there's NOTHING to fix, the process IS what it IS, and can't be changed). But my nerves were so damn raw.

That night I took a LONG walk after work, and re-grouped a bit. Okay, I figure, better to know now than later (like when dossier is sent to China), and because they can't send dossier to China UNTIL we recieve from Homeland Security the I-171H form, it's not like we are truly being delayed, just more like friggin' annoyed and inconvenienced. Deep breath.

So the next morning I began scrambling (LOTS of phone calls) to find notaries who do have commissions that expire years from now. More on this later (yeah, can you believe there is still MORE to the notary saga -- cause I am tellin' ya, this part of the story ain't over -- it's more like a friggin' Lifetime movie mini-series!).

So Thursday morning we had to haul ass back down to Catholic Charities so they could fill out a form that Holt required (I swear, we could have filled out on our own, and mailed in, and Holt would be none the wiser) called the "Medical Conditions Checklist" -- which is basically a form that says which medical conditions you will or won't accept in a child referred to you. It was actually a good vent session with Mary Lou, who validated a lot of our feelings. Just having someone acknowledge our feelings, and understand the process, is immensely helpful. I actually now like Mary Lou.

We even told Mary Lou that is was a semi-relief that all (lol) we have to left to pay for is the $9,600 fee due when we accept our referral (and hey, we will have a good 22 months to save up for that, right, lol?!), and the $3,000 approximate travel fee for China (which we would credit card anyway -- I always credit card travel arrangements, as a cover your ass thing, in case there are any problems). We even said that in the end, this is not quite as expensive as we thought, but that is because Catholic Charities charges a lot less for things than say Bethany or Adoptions from the Heart (two, local, private adoption agencies that are popular with local folks who adopt internationally).

When I got home from work on Thursday, August 16th, we had a surprise in the mail . . . an envelope from Charleston, SC (who the hell do I know there?!) MY PASSPORT WAS THERE!!! Woo-hoo! It seems they process it at a facility in Charleston, SC (important point for later, I promise). This is VERY good, since a copy of the passport (certain pages) is also a requirement before our dossier is sent to China. I had applied for mine only a few days before Dr. J did for his, so we expected his to arrive in the mail a few days thereafter. We THOUGHT, I stress. Guess what, more on THIS later, too!

It was one of those "paperwork pregnant" moments, that you wish you could shout about to everybody, but know that few will understand, LOL.

So I followed up by e-mailing Masha Ma at Holt (our "Dossier Processing Specialist" -- yes, the Chinese lady) about receiving my passport, yadda, some other details . . . and Masha shoots back with:

"When you mail me the final document I-171H, please include the following payments for certifying and authenticating your dossier:

- $180.00 check made to "Commonwealth of Pennsylvania"
- $265.00 money order made to "The Chinese Consulate"

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

This is in addition to the costs spent FedExing all of our shit back and forth between us and Holt, and Holt & Commonwealth of PA , Holt and the State of New York (because Dr. J there for 18 years) and the Chinese Consulate.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! Like I said, take a step forward, take two back. Grrrr.

So on Monday morning of this week, we go back to "State Senator Hottie's" office, this time to have Brianna, who's commission expires in 2010, re-notarize these documents. Only Brianna is NOT in the office she SWORE to me that she would be that morning, but rather one across town. We're annoyed, but okay, we drive over to that office. She notarizes them by attaching a page to them stating that "on this date, personally appearing before me were . . . (our names & addresses) . . . yadda, yadda" and she stamps the letter, yadda. GREAT!

On Tuesday, August 21st, my boss is back in office and I find one of our Board members who happens to be a notary with a commission expiring in 2011, to agree to notarize the signature of my boss on my employment verification letter. Of course, I had to let this Board member in on the whole gig. Sigh. He took it better than I thought. Turns out his daughter is adopted, too (she's white like them though, and my age). But he was more sympathetic and less cranky than usual when I told him why I needed this done, on short notice.

So Tuesday afternoon I am looking over all of this re-notarized shit when I notice that on the notary letter that Brianna has attached to FOUR of our documents . . . SHE HAS SPELLED Dr. J's NAME WRONG -- HIS FIRST NAME, EVEN -- MOTHER PHUCKING KEE-RIST!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't even ask if the Chinese Gov't will be okay with this. You KNOW the answer is a big whopping NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh wait, it gets better . . . Brianna left for vacation on Monday afternoon. Gone for the rest of the week. Really. I told you this notary thing reads like a Lifetime movie script!

So remember I said "State Senator Hottie's" office has TWO other notaries with good commissions? Well, I track down THE OTHER notary, Will, who works out of an entirely different district office of "State Senator Hottie" (he has three offices in his district, which is pretty typical for a State Senator).

So on Wednesday morning we trudge over to meet with Will (thank gawd my boss is either absentee lately or good-natured about me being so late to work each morning -- I'd have been canned at my old job by now). He notarizes these documents (now, remember, this is the THIRD time for these documents), and bless his heart spells our names correctly.

I happen to mention that my passport arrived, but Dr. J's hadn't yet. I just casually mentioned it, not expecting anything by it. He asks me if I am tight with another in either Congressman Murphy or U.S. Senator Specter's office. I say "yes, I used to work for Senator Specter's Chief of Staff." -- NOTE: "Hottie", Murphy, Specter are all Republicans, like myself, and thus I know these staffers well because (a) I am a lobbyist and am in contact with legislative staff frequently, and (b) Republican staffers tend to be a tight group, we watch out for one another, and help each other out when it comes to job opportunities -- I am sure the Dem staffers are the same, though.

So Will then gives me the name of Corene Ashley, who works in Senator Specter's office, and says she works passport magic, and I should call her, mention Will giving me her name, yadda, and see what she can do.

I trot back to my office, while Dr. J goes off to FedEx to Holt these three-times gawddamn notarized set of documents. I call Corene, explain what's going on, and how I used to work for Specter's now-Chief of Staff (that definitely softened her, though she was a REALLY nice lady anyway). She says she'll look into it, and call me back. She calls me back around 2:30 p.m., same day, WEDNESDAY of this week (this is an important fact!) Says she has the passport people on the other line, and asks me for some more information. She then calls me back at 3:30 p.m., and says they will "expedite" processing of his passport. GREAT, I say, and thank her for her time and effort, and tell her how awesome she is, yadda.

Now, let's consider THIS Thursday morning, August 23nd (yeah, just the other day!) My boss is away on a business trip, so I decide to sleep in an extra hour. While I am getting ready, I think I hear a knock at our door (doorbell is busted), but dismiss it, since there is construction going on at dilapidated house across the street from house which is being renovated.

OF COURSE, I missed a FedEx delivery. WELL, when I tracked package online and it is coming from Charleston, SC, which is same place MY PASSPORT came from -- and only LEFT there at 6:34 p.m on Wednesday, the SAME AFTERNOON Corene and I had spoken -- who else would send something overnight like that to us?!?! Later that day, Dr. J would pick up, at the Fed Ex warehouse, HIS PASSPORT!!!!!!!!

THIS WOMAN IS A GODDESS, DIVA, ROCK STAR, ALL ROLLED INTO ONE GIANT PACKAGE!!!

THUS, all that is left then is to receive the I-171H form from Homeland Security (and through my ability to navigate federal agencies I made a contact there who said our I-600A should be processed this week, which would then mean we'd receive the I-171H "approval notice" by next week), which we then would send to Holt, and then they send EVERYTHING to be "authenticated" by the PA Secretary of State and the NY Secretary of State, and then . . . dossier goes out to China!!!

Yes, we're still probably 4 weeks away from that magic package (called "the dossier") being shipped out to China, but I feel like . . . well like if we were in the IVF-world that we just had egg retrieval and told some of the eggs are viable!!! Silly, I know, but not sure how else to explain it?! I guess then when the dossier is mailed to China we'll consider it to be the "embryo transfer," and the Log-In Date (by Chinese Gov't) to be our "we're pregnant" moment?!?!

So a little bit excited right now, though tired and worn out from all of the "August drama" . . . letting small bit of hope back in. SMALL, please keep that in mind.

We're still waaaayyy broke right now. My hair is desperate need of a cut and some, um, toning. I am in-between gyms right now (cost-cutting measure), and we can't afford a present for the Nicole's wedding in CA next month (but hey, we'll be there, and she said that's present enough). Forget eating out anytime soon.

And I am still quite raw, emotionally. I had my post-surgical checkup with my terrifc Ob/Gyn, Dr. Khalili yesterday. Got a clean bill of health. He thinks we'll still wind up pregnant on our own, but is very respectful of our decision, and has been a tremendous source of support to me, personally. He actually said "give me a hug!" What a guy -- I adore him!!!

Life is still hard, tough. Still plenty of tears. Lots of stress, with the bills and Dr. J TRYING to get patients in, and us only having one income and 3x's as many bills. Sigh. So I still need everyone to please bear with me if I am flying high one minute and a cranky, depressed bitch the next.

And I am sorry this is blog entry is so long. But those of you who have been there for me (and if you have been, YOU KNOW IT BECAUSE I HAVE SLOBBERED ALL OVER YOU TELLING YOU HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!), well, this is "what has been going on with me." Sometimes it's just too stressful for me to discuss . . . people will ask about how you're doing, but so few are really interested in the truth. And though I may seem like such an open book, those who truly know me are well aware that there about a gazillion layers to me, and it's only through a serious amount of trust and support that that I ever let anyone peel even a sliver of those layers back, and begin to see what is really going on inside me.

But I needed to vent. And thus, you get "The Ping-Ping Missive."

Love me anyway, por favor?!

Cheers.

Kirsten is DRRUUNNKK . . . Kirsten is DRRUUNNKK!!!

So Ms. Kirsten/Chrissie/2.0, having gotten her twins off to bed last night, and apparently home alone, settled into her evening with a bottle of riesling and a bag of Cheetos (nice pairing, my dear . . . though "Hamster" and I would challenge you to booze throw-down of chili & champagne).

Ya gotta love when a gorgegous, Japanese woman drinks alone, blackberry in hand, and sends you a stream of e-mails with all sorts of crazy, drunk thoughts!!! Who knew she worried about whether her heartbeat was too loud, and that she could feel her eyeballs pulsing?! LMAO!

Here's just one classic gem Kirsten sent out as her "Angels Report" last night:

• "Thought I would share. Since I'm drunk. I am without sense right now. Even my crotch is drunk. I think I peed a little on the toilet seat. I started before I sat down and hit the edge with the edge of my thigh. My big fat thunderous lightning conjuring thigh."

Okay, I have no idea what that last sentence of hers means?! I do know that Kirsten is most certainly NOT fat. Not in the slightest. She was skinny before the twins. She gained 60 pounds with them, and lost all but 5 of these pounds. And word is that her boobs look better now. Whatever.

Lest you think Kirsten mismanaged her drunk time, let me correct you -- she also used this time to count the bottles of wine in her home (24), and toast herself a 90-calorie waffle. Yee haw, you wild woman! She also cried recounting the fact that she had watched a UB40 video on t.v. the other day (the "Red, Red Wine" video).

Of course, inevitably her stream of semi-consciousness turned to S-E-X. See, we Angels (as in "Charlie's Angels," being Adrian, Kirsten, and myself) have been trying to talk Kirsten into giving her husband a very special birthday present, hee hee! And I guess ingesting a bottle of wine was making the gift suggestion, um, a hell of a lot more attractive than it was when she is sober.

But Kirsten's wacky thoughts got me thinking about "drunk sex" in general. And about how much fun it is, from time-to-time, to just have a little too much to drink, get that warm and toasty and cheerful feeling (at least for me, since I am a happy drunk), and just throw caution to the wind and give things a whirl that you wouldn't normally do. I live such a structured life nearly 24/7, and with my adherence to things like calendars, "to do " lists, my exercise regime, and chores, well . . . it's sometimes just so gawddamn freeing to give in to that little devilish part of yourself, the part that forgets to say "no" and instead lets you drop your inhibitions and rules and focus on just pure pleasure!

Mmmmmm ;o)

Superbad

For the second week in a row, Dr. J and I went to the drive-in. Last week we saw "The Bourne Ultimatum," which ROCKED!

This week, we went with my favorite boy cousin, Dave, and his adorable wife, Natalie.

We saw the just released flick, "Superbad."

Holy PHUCK!

IT WAS PHUCKING HYSTERICAL!!!!

This movie selection was a major departure for me, as I almost always prefer action/adventure-type films, but gawddamit, it was so funny!!!

Both Dr. J and I urge all to RUN to the theatre to see it ASAP -- it's gonna be a cult classic kind of movie, for all time!!!

It was so good that I am jealous of any teenager graduating from high school this year, as "SuperBad" will be one of those generational milsetones for them.

McLOVIN 4EVER!!!

Mental Snapshot

What a mixed-up two weeks I am having. So much has happened, and yet nothing has changed. I have about a thousand things I should be writing about, and yet I have no patience to really sketch it all out, from a literary standpoint.

So I will cop out, and just do a quickie list-type entry, which will have bits and pieces that will make sense to some people, none to others, but plenty to me (while accurately reflecting the mental jumble that is my brain).

Commencing Random Thoughts:

* I love the show "Confessions of a Matchmaker" -- not only is Patti a hoot, but it makes you think about how YOU would be critiqued if on a date.
* My stomach still has not recovered from nauseaville, I swear. I can't seem to fully shake this thing, even though it's definitely improved. If I drink any more diet ginger ale I may float from all of the carbonation.
* "The Bourne Ultimatum" freakin' ROCKED! It was worth the wait.
* Seeing a movie at the drive-in was divine -- we had such a blast, especially munching on Chinese food during the opening scenes.
* I can't believe how quickly we've been able to submit all of our adoption paperwork -- I am proud of us!
* More and more excited about going to Kal-ee-forn-yah next month. Just hope we don't get too tempted to move back?!
* People, pick your mate well! It astounds me sometimes the bad choices people make when it comes to life partners.
* We like our house, but hate our kitchen.
* I never thought I'd feel worse a few days after surgery than the day of it?! My abdomen alternates between soreness, pain, and feeling like jello. UGH!
* Along the same lines, I can't wait to start resuming my workouts in earnest. But at the same time, I am so pooped that it's hard to imagine getting up to full speed anytime soon (but I'll probably be okay by the 4th workout, if the past is any indication).
* Ventured to IKEA this weekend. Managed the experience better than I thought. Even managed to bring hope with me.
* Hamster and I are going to navigate through the next few years just fine. She is such a treasure, and makes me feel pretty darn useful, at a time when I feel pretty damn useless.
* Dave and Natalie are very special people. They make my heart full, and they make it ache.
* Still praying like crazy for Shannen.
* My husband may not be the toughest guy in the world (um, that would be Jason Bourne), but he is tough enough to handle my tears. Every last one of them. And with the same genuine concern as if they were the first to have ever fallen.