Year in Review

Ugh, I can't believe it's time to do this. Again.

But I am big on tradition and introspection (however phucked up both may be), so I will once again write out my "good/bad/learn" list. What kinda sucks is that I thought LAST year was bad. And yet THIS year actually managed to eclipse last year's, in terms of suckiness. Which again, has me shaking my head and wondering why I pushed so hard to leave "The Land of Fruits and Nuts and Flakes." So, to Dr. J, I preface by saying, with great sincerity, "I AM SORRY" for insisting that we leave Kal-ee-forn-yah. I thought moving back east was the right thing to do. Clearly, I was wrong. If I could take it back, and move back, I most likely would. Who knows, maybe we will in a few years.

Anyhoo, here's Da List . . .

WHAT WAS GOOD:

1. Dr. J taking the risk of starting his own practice. It took serious balls, and I am proud of him; and for his constant reassurance that I am okay, doing okay, and will be okay.


2. Nicole's wedding.


3. Second cousins. Dave & Natalie, Emily & Rob, Dana & Nick, Bob & Bobbie, Zanne, Beth & Joe, Julie, Buzz & Kathy . . . you have no friggin' idea how much I look forward to each and every moment I spend in your presence! You came back into our lives a few years ago to help me out when I could no longer care for my Mom on my own, and have taken care of me along the way. YOU ALL ROCK!


4. My job. I worked hard for it, and appreciate the gift it is every day.


5. Meeting Kirsten in person (finally). And all of her amazing and insane emails.


6. Adrian's liquid hospitality. And her throw pillows.


7. Lori met the love of her life AND got engaged -- all in the same year! Finally, something I prayed for gets answered by God.


8. My Dad started to get healthy. Holding my breath it spills over to other parts of his life, too.


9. Seeing Cirque du Solieil. Three Cheers for the "O"!


10. For Hamster texting me at the right time. And offering to bitch-slap The Cow.


11. L.I.D. 11/14/07!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT WAS BAD:

1. Watching my husband continue to be treated as a second-class citizen by the LILT (Long Island Looney Toons).


2. Endless doctor appointments and painful procedures.


3. The shock of home ownership incidentals.


4. Hot Tub Foliculitis.


5. Car problems on the way back from D.C.


6. Irresponsible parents. My own, especially.


7. The horrifyingly stupid things people say when you lose a baby. It's astounding. Even after three babies it still cuts me to the core.


8. Stupid local politicians. And stupid state-level ones, too.


9. Being scared that I am going crazy, and effectively being unable to do anything about it.


10. Self-imposed poverty.


11. Losing Gabrielle.

WHAT I LEARNED:

1. Naval Academy graduates can be quite kinky (who knew?!)
2. Dr. J is a magnet for fainting strangers.
3. HM can be horrified by bad fashion and bad taste.
4. The expiration of a Notary's commission is a matter of national security, apparently.
5. I can move a passport out of backlog, to the front of the processing line, and overnighted to my home in a matter of 18 hours. Or rather, I know people who can, which is equally important!
6. Fergie's sage advice "If You Ain't Got No Money Take Yo Broke Ass Home", which has inspired HotMary and mine's semi-serious motto of "Upgrade!"
   
7. Sandi is the best listener I know, and her gems are invaluable.


8. Lori never thinks I am insane, even when I do.


9. Dr. J's godparents are the best people I know. I'd give anything for them to adopt me, or even just him.


10. Nobody loves the ugly, scary, mean & weak parts of me. Except for Dr. J.


11. It will happen. I can make it happen. I can move mountains . . . of paperwork.

WHAT I AM GOING TO TO DIFFERENTLY (a new category!):

1. Finish and begin checking off things from the "Distract" and "Prepare" lists.


2. Make an honest, active effort to be more positive.


3. Recommit to taking better care of me. Which means 10 more pounds to shed -- not 'cause I need to, but just for the hell of it.


4. Strive to keep my office tidy.


5. Be more fun. More bold.


6. Laugh more.


7. Try to make up with God.


8. Force/explain to members of the local posse that I need to have "standing dates" with them (Lori, Lisa, Sandi, Shannon #2, Shannon #3, HotMary -- this means YOU, chickies!)


9. Invite people to our home, instead of keeping them at arms length.


10. Keep my mom and stepfather a bit more at arms length.


11. Stay focused at work.

The "It" Couple

Somehow, for reasons unbeknownst to us, Dr. J and I have THREE invitations to New Year's Eve parties tomorrow night. We have no idea how or why. It seems like we hardly ever get together with another couple, let alone a group of people. And suddenly, everybody wants a piece of us.

We're not complaining, we just think it's kinda funny that we are suddenly so popular.

So we'll start off with Lori & Jay's, then off to Jen & Randy's always eventful gathering (the booze and the food are always dee-lish there!), and finish the night at Shannon#3 & Erik's, which is closest to our home. (Looking forward to flirting with cutie-pie Erik, hee hee!!!)

Hmmm, each party will have it's own highlights, I am sure.

Cousins and Cupcakes

Finally had the opportunity to bond with my most closest cousin (oh hell, she's more like my little sister) Sandi on Saturday. I had reached out to her and told her I needed (not a want, NEED) to spend time with her. The great thing about her is that she KNOWS all of the family shit, so there's no lag time when I vent or bounce my fears off of her -- she knows the players equally well, and that is a relief to me. Sometimes I find it too overwhleming to share intimate details with people, since there is always so much backstory that seems to take forever to explain. That's why I treasure Sandi so much. She gets it. All of it. And she doesn't try to fix it. She listens. And yet, she always seems to come up with some little gem of wisdom, just a phrase, that sticks with me and helps me re-center and re-set the course I have been trying to sail.

Over the past two years there have been three things in particular she has said to me that have stuck with me, and though she probably has no idea how much, have guided me immensely:

1. There is no trophy given for the amount of grief one couple can endure


2. It doesn't matter if you bring a baby home from the hospital or an airport


3. It sounds like you need to shut out everyone and cocoon (her latest observation)

Oh, and one more thing, she thinks my sister-in-law is a phucking bitch, too. Ya gotta love that kind of support!

So after we took a long walk with her two-year-old, Maya, and went grocery shopping, I then picked up Dr. J so we could go celebrate a very important day.

It was Dozen 's 1-year anniversary! And God Bless Them, Dozen was selling cupcakes for a blessedly cheap $1 per cupcake all freakin' day!!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo, we HAD to be there!!!! Of course, I had my vanilla-vanilla, while Dr. J had his East End Stout cupcake. Then, he got that devious look in his eye and proclaimed that "we need (NEED, lol!) to split just one more!" So I gave in and let him talk me into another vanilla-vanilla. Mmmmm. Happy Anniversary to Dozen, and we anixiously await the opening of their new bakery in late-January (NOTE TO DR. J: I think that will have to be OUR anniversary date, dear!)

Happy Thoughts are Still Out There, I Think

I know I have been on a bit of a blogging tear lately, and a lot of it has been about stress and grief. And yeah, those things are VERY real and VERY much weigh down my spirit. But I blog much of the time for an outlet. A cost-free, no-calorie, way to blow off steam, confront the demons, and push the stress out of my mind. At least temporarily.

But I have set a goal of trying to be more positive in the New Year, and am using the week between Dec. 26th - Dec. 31st to take the teeny steps towards that push to positivity.

So I thought I might list some things that elicit unprovoked laughter out of me. You know those thoughts -- you're sitting alone in your car, stuck in traffic, when suddenly it pops into your head and you are laughing like a loon, all by yourself?!

Here are ones for me:

1. Dr. J imitating Joe Piscopo, who is imitating Frank Sinatra, especially when he sings the "Woody Woodpecker" song
2. The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts
3. Dr. J launching into his football announcer voiceover of "On a steel grey December morning, the Steelers marched towards The Second Season."
4. Kirsten's middle of the night "Pearl Harbor sneak attack" sex story involving Hiroshi -- "Shhh, go back to sleep. I got this one."
5. Crazy, outlandish, bizarre text messages at the most inappropriate times
6. Updates from HotMary about Guido
7. Jesse's in-depth story about his attempt to back door a very young (but legal) chick at a party in which her parents and brother were present.
8. Jesse's pronouncement that "Your Dad IS The Man." Pretty much ANY story about my Dad's Playa Dayz make me laugh (frightening that he shared these with me as a 6 year old, and some of them I actually remember occurring!)
9. My Dad calling from the hospital, insisting that the staff is trying to injure his pecker
10. Dr. J's "bird call story" from his time spent at Champs

Okay, enough procrastinating -- off to the gym. Shit.

Free Marty!

I had sent an excited email out to some of our close friends tonight with the following subject line:

"MAN CONVICTED OF KILLING HIS

PARENTS FREED -- AND OUR DR. J KNOWS HIM!!!"

And then brought them up to speed with the following message:

Not sure if yinz are familar with this story (been on "48 Hours" and other news mags over the years).

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,318565,00.html

Dr. J grew up in the same "well to do" Belle Terre neighborhood as Marty Tankleff. Marty was a couple years older but Dr. J knew him. Dr. J remembers it being the first day of 9th grade and riding past Marty's house on the school bus (wait, DR. J took the school bus, was the limo driver off work that day?!)

Anyhoo, he saw Marty standing outside the house, cops everywhere, and suddenly Justin Hova (in Dr. J's grade) jumps on the bus and screams "HEY, MARTY KILLED HIS PARENTS!!!!!!!"

Dr. J's mother thought Marty was guilty. Dr. J's Dad thought he was innocent, and that Jerry Steuerman did it, esp. since Jerry faked his own death (left his car running with the door open, and turned up a week later in California . . . hmmm, why didn't the detectives look into this?!) However, Dr. J offers that Jerry Steuerman owned a bagel shop and "made a damn good bagel."

Folks, THIS is what I just came back from -- four days in Long Island over Christmas, too.

*****************

Funny thing was, we drove by Marty's old house (the scene of the crime) while we were in Long Island a few days ago, and Dr. J even recounted the tale once again.

A few minutes ago Dr. J shared with me that a web site has been in existence for some time to bring attention to Marty's plight, too.

My OWN mother has long been addicted to any news on this case. Too bad Christmas is over. I could have gotten her a t-shirt.

Marty, we sincerely wish you the best -- we know you got a raw deal, dude! Really.

FREE MARTY!

What I Have Been Saying All Along

I love flirting. Wait, let me be more clear, I looovvveee flirting. With my husband, the cute cashier, the businessman who looks my way across the crowded restaurant, even the adorable senior citizen at the mall.

Which is why I got such a kick out of this article -- seriously, people, life is too short, and the work days too long, to be so serious all of the time. Gawd knows if I am telling people to lighten up (and I have been quite the downer this year), then you know it's something, lol ;o)

Surviving the Holidays -- Part Four (Tuesday/Christmas Day)

. . . conclusion of prior post . . . .



Went over to out-laws for Christmas Dinner. The chubby S-I-L knew to stay the phuck outta my way. I am fairly convinced my no-show at her breakfast made the point, as she steered damn clear of me, 'cept for the utmost polite of dinnertime manners. She even played uber-helper for the stepmother-in-law, making sure each of the 30 assembled dinner guests had enough to eat, clearing their plates, filling their drink glass (not to mention her own), yadda. Whatever. Have another cookie, you cow.

Outlaws were okay, apparently on their best behavior, too. If not for The Cow's bullshit the night before, we'd have been much more comfortable. But Dr. J and I were on edge, understandably.

Still, we survived Christmas Day. Sigh. But it was bittersweet, with tears sprinkled in. How could they not be? We'll never forget what this day was supposed to be. Never. I highly doubt I will ever be able to enjoy this holiday ever again.

Surviving the Holidays -- Part Three (Monday/Christmas Eve)

Monday started off okay enough. A little bit of melancholy for me this morning, but tried to get re-focused by thinking about the pending yumminess of a few slices from Renzo's. And oh my, was the 18-month wait of that deliciousness ever worth it! Ahhhhhh! So, our Pizza ranking list looks something like this:

1. Renzo's (Port Jefferson, Long Island)
2. Mineo's (Squirrel Hill, PA)
3. Di Pietro's (West View, PA)
4. Sir Pizza (Ross, PA)

After we were sated, we drove around Port Jefferson to take photos of all of the places important to Dr. J's childhood memories . . . the idea was for us to have a photo record that we could share with Ping-Ping someday. We took photos of his favorite beaches, the houses he loved in, the Village shops, his high school, the ferry & pier, and of course Renzo's. I know I got some terrific shots of the beach terrain, which I am hoping will show up well enough in black & white that I can have one printed for inclusion in my proudly growing dining room gallery of black & white photos.

We then did a quick swing by the house which Dr. J's father and stepmother recently moved to. Hmmm. A lot of strangeness here, and things just not making sense. We speculated privately, so I will refrain from posting any thoughts about this in my blog.

We were then expected at the home of Dr. J's brother, sister-in-law, and our two young nephews. The boys were great, and the visit was going well. We then accompanied them to dinner at the home of the sister-in-law's parents. We were having a lovely visit there, too, and then out of freaking nowhere, post-dinner, my sister-in-law decided to be a MASSIVE BITCH and give us all sorts of completely undeserved grief about shit which she knows nothing about. On top of all this, she KNEW what a sucky day Xmas Eve and Xmas Day were going to be for us, and STILL she persisted. I tried to hold out as long as I could, but yep, there they were, the big tears! That bitch drove me to tears for a good 20 minutes. But of course, she knew it was for our own good WTF?! Go drink some more chardonnay and pop some more food in your chubby mouth, bitch!!!

Thank God for my Hamster texting me as we drove back to the hotel, or I don't think I'd have survived. Seriously, I turned the corner when Hamster texted "I want to come up and slap her for you!"

So, in a move that surprised even myself, I refused to go back to the sister-in-law's house this morning for breakfast. Phuck her. This is MY DAY to be selfish. She doesn't deserve my tears, my rage, my anger, my grief. I made Dr. J go, though, so he could spend time with our nephews. Later on I will join him for Christmas dinner at his Dad's.

I didn't want to let this day be ruined by what happened last night, so I tried to do something positive and proactive by focusing on the adoption. Thus I spent my alone time this morning surfing the 'net, learning more about the other adoption path we have decided to begin pursuing, which is adopting locally, of perhaps a black or mixed-race child. I am learning alot, and even came across an article that made me feel better about my Chinatown Meltdown the day prior.

I don't know what is going to happen with the Long Island Looney Toons, today or in the future, but I have been figuring out that opening our hearts to children who exist right now and who need us, as much as we need them, will give us the healing and push we need to let some of this background noise bullshit start to mute. So I am now reading profiles of "waiting kids" in earnest, trying to imagine our lives with them, and theirs with us.

All I want for Christmas . . . is to take a half-dozen of them home. Now.

Surviving the Holidays -- Part Two (Sunday)

Last night I got thee best night's sleep that I have in a loooonnng time. I slept so soundly, like a rock. So much that I am actually looking forward to sleeping in this hotel room for 3 more nights.

Just before lunchtime we then boarded the Long Island Railroad for the trip in to NYC. A fairly uneventful trip until near the end. The train was crowded, and there was a group of family members standing up just behind us. About 30 minutes later I heard the 20-something daughter remark to her Dad, "are you okay? You don't look good." I hafta say, at that moment I just knew how this was gonna turn out. Really. Fast forward to the 50-something Dad passing out. Dr. J springs into action, moving people out of their seats and laying the guy down, trying to get him to come around. He does, but then passes out again. The daughter starts freaking out. The car conductor was notified to have police or EMS ready to meet us at the platform (we were coming up on the last stop, Penn Station). As the guy came to he began throwing up. Dr. J later tells me he is worried because the dude's pulse is pretty weak, though his respiration was okay. Dr. J and the guy's brother get him off the train (the rest of the passengers were amazingly good and helpful and well-behaved), and onto the platform. The cool air brings the guy around a bit. But he is very confused and a bit combative doesn't want to sit down. Then he starts to get woozy again. Dr. J gets him to sit just as he passes out a third time. There are now 4 of New York's Finest standing there, and the guy's daughter (a nurse) is LOUDLY freaking out. The guy has no known medical problems, is not taking any medication, not diabetic, had eaten within past few hours, was in excellent shape, etc. For those who are counting, the dude passed out a total of 4 times! And when he finally came around the final time and started to become more lucid he was STUNNED to learn he has been passing out repeatedly. By this time a wheelchair is produced and the police will escort him to the ambulance for transport to hospital. The wife and brother are profusely thanking My Man for being there. and stepping in. I, of course, am incredibly proud, and remembering that his student loan payment is due on January 2nd, hee hee!

Dr. J would tell me later that he was most worried that the man was having a stroke, because he was sweating so profusely and he wasn't fully passing out, and "it just didn't look normal." But the best line came as we were walking away and he said to me, "This is the FOURTH TIME in four months someone has passed out in my presence -- WHAT THE PHUCK?!?!"

We then went to Lombardi's for lunch. Then strolled around Chinatown, where I got nervous thinking about how I sometimes feel woefully unprepared to travel to a foreign country where everything is unfamiliar to pick up our daughter someday. Like many now-adults who grew up in very chaotic divorced-parent-shuffle households, I am the typical chameleon who is used to having to quickly adapt in order to survive instability. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't freak us out, as it does me. I like predictability, security, stability, and the familiar. I get nervous when things are not executed as planned, and new stuff can sometimes freak me out. Spontaneity and surprises can induce a near panic attack in me. Really. Add on top of this the fact that sometimes, no how much I read, no matter whom I talk to, no matter how many lectures I attend, I worry that I may not be able to do a good enough job raising a little girl who doesn't fit in, racially, with the community around her. Love is not always enough.

Dr. J saw me starting to "ice skate" and pulled me into a Starbucks to re-group. Sigh. He is such an emotional saint. He never gets exasperated with my anxieties, or tears. Thank God. And he knew that it wasn't just the adoption that had me freaking out a bit, it was also "the reason why we couldn't be home for Christmas this year."

We then decided to dip our way back into Chinatown, and I did okay this time. And then we were able to hop back on the subway and head down to 42 Street. And then the second adventure of the day happened . . . I looked down at my hiking boot and realized that the rubber sole of it was cracked and ripping away from my shoe! Water (it was raining most of the day) had gotten half of my sock wet by this point, too. So we then had to hustle down to 34th Street to a Payless so I could buy SOMETHING to put on my feet, lol. Cue the purchase of a cheap, ugly pair of black athletic shoes, LOL!!!

We walked around a bit longer, and then headed to Penn Station to catch the train back to our hotel. And then Fate stepped in. Now, there are something like 8 million people in NYC, right?! And it's the holidays, not to mention the last full shopping day before Christmas, right?! But there we were, looking at the boards to see which track we needed to go to when I said to Dr. J, "ohmigawd, look over there!" And there they were -- the family of the man he helped out on the train earlier in the day! WHAT ARE THE FREAKIN' CHANCES OF THAT HAPPENING???!!! Dr. J went over, they started thanking him profusely again, and reported that he had been admitted to the hospital overnight, but was doing okay, and they were heading home. Dr. J was glad that the hospital had taken this precaution, and it was a nice feeling of closure to see the family again under less stressful circumstances.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York!

Surviving the Holidays - Part One (Saturday recap)

On Saturday morning we began our Christmas Getaway. I told Dr. J two months ago that I simply could not be home for the holidays this year, so we decided to go to New Yahk, in spite of the tension and bullshit that his parents have unfairly pitched our way. We committed to spending very little time with them, and spending lots of time making ourselves happy, and to keep busy.

Our goal this year is simply stated, but difficult to achieve : survive the outlaws, and make it through the holidays without too many tears.

The drive out was pretty good - 'cept for some traffic trying to cross the George Washington Bridge, which, as always, was backed up. Having the EZ Pass saved us time in this regard.

Before I forget, we'd like to give a shout out to the rest stop in Allentown, PA. First of all, the giant Cabela's beckoned us from the highway as if to say "welcome, friends!" (even though we didn't go in). But what really impressed us were the plethora of interesting fast food combos -- sure, we've all seen the KFC/Pizza Hut shared space before, but Taco Bell/Long John Silver's?! Hullo, hushpuppies (we indulged!) Even better, we saw the first of the new Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins eateries -- YOWZA! What a freakin' incredible culinary idea!!!

Once in New Yahk, we drove to make our dinner appointment. Within 30 seconds of entering the lovely, restored, 18th Century farmhouse that Dr. J's godparents reside in (in Douglaston, a ritzy part of Queens, NY), we were handed a glass of Rustico prosecco. Que Bella!!! Uncle Joey has served us this amazingly light yet soothing beverage before, but each time I am bowled over by its light loveliness. This was followed by hours of delicious food, and wonderful conversation, in which we received lots of encouragement and support. I swear, I love these people as much as is humanly possible -- they must be the two finest people I have ever met. I wish they'd adopt us. Really.

They loved our tiny Christmas gift to them, fussing over it as if we'd bought them a new car. And they meant it. And they got it. And they get us. Which is the best gift of all.

The Health Benefits of Gettin' Busy

Now's here's an article that men everywhere will be excitedly waving in front of their wives faces . . . turns out that sex has significant health benefits!

From my perspective, I will agree to having seen the positive effects of s-e-x in the following ways (which are noted in the article):

• Weight Loss & Weight Control -- there have been evenings in which I have been too busy to squeeze in my regular workout at the gym, and have mentally said to myself, "well, this will burn some calories at least" or "hey, it's to make up for that cookie I stress-ate earlier today."
  
• Stress Relief -- absolutely! Some times life is so freakin' stressful that a good tumble in the hay can definitely take the edge off of things, releasing those post-exercise endorphins, and resulting in a nice "ahhhhh" feeling
• Immune Booster -- I specifically recall one time in college, freshman year, when Dr. J was running a fever of about 103, but I needed to get my groove on. I managed to convince him the best way to recover was to "sweat it out." Did it work? Well for ME it did!
• Increased Self-Esteem & Intimacy -- through both my experience and the assortment of confessions I have heard over the years (I swear, some people tell me Thee Strangest Shit), the more people have sex, the more they want it. Ladies, your man is more concerned about just getting it regularly than what your ass looks like . . . and if you give it to a man regularly, they see you as attractive even if you gain 5 pounds, have on an old nightshirt, or forgot to shave your legs. Men almost universally want two things in a relationship: regular sex and respect. That's not a lot to ask.
• Sleep Enhancement -- yep, it's true. I always sleep more soundly after a good romp. Unless of course I am still keyed up and wanting Round 2, or 3.
• A Better, Younger Looking You -- I think that people who get it on regularly just have that glow about them -- that little intangible thing you can't quite put your finger on, yet somehow they sparkle. Case in Point: LORI (I doubt she's embarrassed by my stating this -- after the uber-hot stuff Jay wrote & shared about his Christmas Wish for this year, I sure as heck wouldn't be -- YOWZA!!!)
• Mood Lifter -- see my note above on Stress Relief
• Longevity -- this harkens back to when we were younger, and used to hear those pleas from junior high school boys that "a guy could DIE from not getting IT!" Wow, maybe they weren't being melodramatic after all?!
• Decreased Risk of Breast Cancer -- perhaps from all the loving attention a woman's breast receive during s-e-x, this staves off that nasty cancer?!
• Reproductive Health Benefits -- LMAO . . . wait a minute . . . STILL laughing hysterically!!! If only I could add up the money that has been spent over the years on b/c pills, condoms, and now thermometers, OV kits, pee sticks, co-pays, RE tests, and OB/Gyn procedures?! Lemme LMAO some more!

So, all in all, I pronounce this article to be useful and well-versed . . . though perhaps a companion piece on the benefits of red wine would have been nice (especially since, in addition to being good for you, red wine helps you dance your woman into the sack easier).

Mostly, I hope this article brings you, the reader, the ammo you need to get laid tonight. Cheers!

Remembering Baby B

Pookie,

Today sucks for you. Don't ever feel the need to apologize for your grief. Anybody who tells you to "get over it" or "move on" can go phuck off. And if you need me to tell them for you, just say the word (just as I know you would do the same for me).

Wish I could be with you at this very moment, and we could cry together. And then go do something very destructive, like spend money we don't have.

Promise me you will get the ice cream, and chow down as planned. In some small way, I will be with you then, too.


All my love belongs to you today.

XOXO,

FC

The Most UnWonderful Time of the Year

It's been building, that's for sure. And now I know that I have about a week's worth of increasingly shitty days ahead of me that I have to endure.

At this point, I know my best bet is probably just breaking it down into smaller chunks of survivability -- hour by hour, even minute by minute, if I need to. (I sound like I am in AA -- 'cept I am running towards booze, not away from it!)

The financial squeeze makes it difficult to comfort oneself, too, of course. As well as my insistence upon not letting the body I have dragged back from obesity wander once again into the Land of Fried Food and Fat Clothes.

So how will I do it? Quite frankly, I am not so sure I can.

But maybe if I write it down a bit, I will take back the teeniest measure of control, instead of further lapsing into the out-of-control mess I have been finding myself subsisting in.

Okay, here goes . . . THINGS I CAN DO TO SURVIVE THE NEXT WEEK:

• Check in with Kirsten, and make sure SHE is surviving (she is in equal pain)
• Go to the gym, but not punish myself if I chose friends over the treadmill
• Allow us to have a nice meal and maybe a treat or two in NYC, since being a tightwad ain't exactly spooning with me at night
• Telling people point blank that I need them THIS week, regardless of how busy they are
• Being kinder to myself, and acknowledging that I am allowed to be a raving, lunatic, emotional bitch this week if I need to
• Drinking at least one glass of wine each night to calm my nerves and smooth out the frayed edges
• Sending out as many Christmas cards as I want
• Stop trolling the internet for bad news about China
• Keep trolling the internet for children around here who need us now, and allowing my heart to open to them
• Finishing the "Distract/Prepare List"
• Taking my Mom's car to NYC, so we can use the EZ Pass for free
• Remember the key phrase we worked on in therapy: "Rollerskate, not Ice Skate!"
• Begin psyching myself up to lose 10 more pounds next year
• Give in to what feels good, for just one week, instead of being logical
• Focusing on watching out for Dr. J as we invade Long Island -- nothing kicks my ass back into gear as much as the "Fight or Flight" instinct (wanna guess which one emerges in me when my back is against the wall? Yeah, try tripling it when someone comes after my man -- bitches, I mean, In-Laws/Out-Laws, I ain't so down that I can't wipe out ALL your asses!)
• Reminding myself that the timing is just where it needs to be, and was meant to be, and had to be, in order to achive the perfect end game

Cheers.

It's All About Me. Yeah, AS IF?!?!

It was HotMary who told me that I needed to change how I lived my life. She said I needed to insert a big ol' heaping dose of "It's All About Me" into what I do, what I accept, and what I expect, from myself and from those around me.

Shannon agreed.

Lori thought it was brilliant.

And so I have tried to adopt that as much as possible (which is still kinda hard, because I am not a selfish person, and have a hard time letting anyone do for me, or take care of me). I admit, there are times when it feels good, albeit strange, and sometimes I get this out-of-body feeling like I am watching myself in amusement from across the room.

So why, is LORI making it so damn difficult to COMPLY with the adopted mantra?!?!

No, it's about her boyfriend's car, her job responsibilities, the Boards she sits on, yadda yadda. We have been trying to get together for what feels like ages . . . but things keep cropping up, and she keeps having to reschedule. AND IT SUCKS! I miss my girl. I miss the chickie who never flinches when I weep, who doesn't at all think it's frightening when I can compartmentalize my feelings and move from sobbing tears to complete confidence in less than 60 seconds. I miss the frenetic conversational jumps from fashion to reality t.v. to money to sex and back again.

So, here I am, publicly giving you, Ms. Bride-to-Be, all sorts of shit about being too busy for ME!

Dammit, it's supposed to be ABOUT ME -- so shelve your other shit and concentrate on what's important -- ME!

And now, I will pull out my final secret weapon, to make you feel really bad, Ms. Oh-So-Busy . . . I give you THE POUT (and note the adorable Asian baby face that is pouting -- that's no accident, ahem!)

I hope you feel REALLY GUILTY.

[You know I love you. Big time. Lots. The Most. And I still win. And you know it.]

LOG IN DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, OMG, OMG!

I just checked the Holt web site and they, finally having received word from China, have posted the news of those dossiers that have been "logged in" with China . . . AND OURS IS ONE OF THEM!!!

Our "DTC" (Dossier to China) date is 11-02-07. Our "LOG IN DATE" (LID) is 11-14-07. THAT IS FANTASTIC NEWS!!!

Now, it doesn't mean that things are going to suddenly move any faster BUT . . . it does mean that Chinese Government has acknowledged receipt of our dossier, which is a big relief!!!

Pregnant women have strange dreams about stuff going wrong with their pregnancy, getting lost on the way to the hospital, giving birth to a three-headed monster, yadda yadda . . . adoptive parents have nightmares about their paperwork getting lost or misdelivered by FedEx, LOL! Seriously, several months ago a FedEx delivery vehicle in the mid-west was in a major accident and burst into flames, thereby destroying all packages in it's possession in the process. I almost had a heart attack fretting over the "what if our documents were in THAT van?!" thought until I realized that we had put our stuff in the mail a few days prior AND had paid for two-day expedited air shipping, which effectively nulled most of my worry. Most of it, though not all, LOL! (I gotta be me, after all!)

Anyhoo, this fantastically good news brought tears to my eyes and an excited text message to Dr. J.

Good Lord, after my meltdown last night we really needed this good news, eh hon?!?!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Yet another crazy day for me. It used to be that the first hour or so of my mornings were fairly tame, and I could ease into my day, with the last few hours of the work day being my busy time (and also when I got the most work done).

But in what has become an unfortunate theme, my mornings have been insane over the past month or two. This morning was no different. I had two big ass public meetings earlier in the week, which I have spent endless hours laying the groundwork for (i.e. schmoozing with the politicians), not to mention countless hours updating and prepping my members on their testimony, in addition to my own.

Nonetheless, this morning, I knew as soon as I made it to the office I would be busy, busy, busy playing catch up on a lot of things I unfortunately had to put aside/slack off of during the past few weeks -- they couldn't be ignored any longer. It felt good to get caught up a bit, and though I usually don't work as productively in the morning as I do later in the day, I soon settled into a good rhythm. But I know there is still a lot more ground to cover, since my physical attention to some of these things has been MIA for the past few weeks (though they've been on my mind throughout, even if I was consumed by other tasks).

Tonight, as I drove home, I couldn't believe how unbelievably tired I was. Just wiped out. As if the past few weeks stress and late hours and hard work finally caught up with me.

Now if it would just translate into the single good night of sleep I am in so desperate need of.

The Ultimate Xmas Special

It's tonight, it's tonight! I am SOOOOO excited . . . or at least I want to be. I have a big meeting to attend this evening, and it has a long-ass agenda, which means I have no friggin' clue what time I will get home. Sigh.

It's really important to me to be home, showered, in my sexiest jammies, and on the couch by 10:00 p.m. tonight. For some people, the holiday season is kicked off by the Charlie Brown specials, or watching "The Christmas Story" or even the "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation."

Not me.

The special I look forward to is . . . the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show! YES!!!! I get the preview on their Santa-inspired get-ups, find out what will be debuting in the stores soon, and get a glimpse at the fantasy-couture bras that we'll never see close up, but can dream about, hee hee!

I loved the preview commercials for this a few years ago, when the ads aired with the bells playing in the background, and the models would take turns whispering into the camera such come hither phrases as "Surprise Me," "Spoil Me," and my personal favorite, "Dazzle Me." MEOW!!!

So please, whatever higher power there may be, grant my wish to have me home tonight, freshly showered & appropriately clad, reclined on my couch with a glass of wine, enjoying the VS Fashion Show at 10:00 p.m. tonight.

PLEASE (blog-begging, here!)