Frank Discussions Among Family

My first cousin and I are very close, having been raised much like sisters. She has been an amazing source of strength to me, as well as a terrific example as a mother. And that's probably why years ago (15 years?), I took her recommendation when it came to selecting a dentist. Hullo Dr. Hot Brothers!!! One is beefcake hot, the other more preppy hot. When I was younger I was into Dr. Preppy Dentist (Dr. Jay), and she preferred Dr. Beefcake (Dr. Bryan). Now that we are older, we like both equally. Okay, more like COVET both equally.

So I just HAD to torture my cousin with the knowledge that I would see Dr. Beefcake today for a dental appointment.

The texting literally went like this ('cause I saved 'em on my phone):

• Ms. J: " I will have a hot man in my mouth later today - Dr. Bryan!"
• Cousin: "Enjoy sloppy seconds. I had him on Saturday morning for an appointment."
• Ms. J: "You are just a fluffer for him. He will be ready for the real thing at 5 pm today."

Ya gotta love family!!!!!!!!!!

By the way . . . I think I primped more in the bathroom just prior to being seen by him that I do before important business meetings, LOL!

And another by the way (since my beloved cousin reads this occasionally) . . . my mouth is ACHY tonight! Oh, Dr. Bryan worked me over good! (Um, that's because I forgot to go last year and he did lots of magic today with his special TOOL, hee hee). That means there was lots of scraping, people!

I could seriously go for ice cream right now (haven't I earned it?!) I would actively whine to my husband, who would dutifully go buy some for me . . . but he is upstairs painting our bedroom, and I don't wanna take him off task (and yeah, I know it's just a clever excuse to watch the game without me bitching about how the hockey season is too phucking long!!!!!!!!!!)

Two Outta Three Ain't Bad

As we drove to the local car dealerships for our Day of Hell, I told Dr. J I had three goals:

1. Drive home a new vehicle at the conclusion
2. Not feel like I had been ass-phucked at the end of the experience
3. Still be speaking to Dr. J afterwards

Two outta of the three goals were achieved. Wanna guess which was not???????

The first one . . . was not. BUT we made progress. And we even have a new dark horse in the mix, thanks to a chance meeting with the sales manager at the Toyo.ta dealership, who recognized us from church. Yippee!!! He gave us an additional option that we had not previously considered, and is on the lookout for end of the month rebates, financing options, and specials since we can wait a couple of weeks (but barely . . . seriously, the sounds being emitted by our shit-mobile on the way to pick up Lil Pumpkin were frightening).

By the way . . . two funny moments happened during the day. The first at the H.onda dealer, who was giving me a hard time bout the numbers n' all that. He asked Dr. J what he did for a living, and he replied "massage therapist" (we knew if he learned what Dr. J did, any leverage Ms. J had gained up to this point would evaporate - I am sure he googl.ed his name the moment we were out the door, though). Second funny moment . . . at the Toy.ota dealer when the sales manager recognized us from church and introduced himself, Dr. J quipped, "hey, does this mean we get the Christian discount?!"

Honey, I love when you are NOT trying to be funny . . . nobody makes me laugh like you do ;o)

P.S. I love you for agreeing to drive the color of that Hon.da F.it we test drove, those I still have doubts about your ability to not get your ass kicked over the color! But it sure was purrrrty!

Just So You Know I am Not a Total Bitch . . .

. . . I just emailed Dr. J (in response to something he sent me), that if he promises that the hockey season is over TONIGHT, I will happily buy Chinese food from our favorite place, sans bitching.

Hee hee. I just loathe the length of the hockey season. It's ridiculous.

Scared But Plugging/Perspective

Two new "hits" (as I call 'em) have once again knocked me back on my ass. One is a change in health insurance at my normally wonderful, big girl job - which could essentially cost me $1,250-$2,500 a year. The other is an out of nowhere (and undeserved) doubling of interest rate on my sole credit card (and I am a good customer, carrying a balance but not too big of one).

I had just started to feel like maybe, just maybe, things were settling down. Like we just might finally treading be adequately treading water. But I don't handle surprises well (okay, I handle them like a trauma victim who has been scared shitless, and I freak out and hyperventilate), and I literally have been on the verge of panic attacks all week. I actually had two in a row yesterday, and the lump that formed in my throat felt like I was being swiftly strangled to death.

Nothing, NOTHING, is more sacred to me than financial stability. Alright, first it's my kid's health and safety (but geez, that's the same for everybody). THEN, it's financial stability. Notice I didn't say financial "security," I have switched to "stability" as my emotional survival plan. I keep thinking I should be comforted by the fact that lots of people are having even harder times right now . . . but gawd, I don't give a shit. I care about MY shit, not their shit!!!

I am tired of the up and down feelings . . . one minute I am minute hopeful, one minute sad. One minute delighted, one minute exasperated. One minute re-charged, one minute rundown. One minute invigorated, one minute resigned. One minute treading, one minute slipping. LOL, if going back on anxiety meds would eliminate the trick I'd do it - but then I'd be bitching about the co-pay and the weight gain (which would in turn cause me to need to buy bigger clothes, and once again I'd have even NEWER shit to be upset about, yippee!!!)

I am trying (trying) to locate my lost balance, and put it back together. I see bits and pieces of it from time to time . . . Lil Pumpkin getting more independent, she is back to her regular self after some regressive weeks post-surgery, and she is much more comfortable with transitions. I am finding that I am doing a better job at working more efficiently within the hours I do have, and even managing (some days) to haul ass outta bed wee early and plunk onto the treadmill. It ain't perfect, but it's better. Dr. J is doing a much better job at keeping up on things around the house, and even semi-power cooking more than half of the time. We are close to resolving 1/2 of our car woes (please, Jesus!), and maybe, just maybe, our meeting with the bank manager will result in some restructuring that will result in: (A) me breathing, (B) Dr. J feeling empowered, and (C) less tension between us. I won't even hope for (D) some excess money to go out to (gasp) dinner on occasion, but if it happens, mazel tov!

The mantra that Deanna (who brought home 11 month old twin girls from China) gave me helps when it comes to Lil Pumpkin -- "think back not to yesterday, but a month ago, and see how things have gotten better, gotten easier, gotten more manageable. "

Now I just need a mantra to help me deal with my financial anxiety. Right now the best I can come up with is "Everybody else feels phucked, too. Please refill my wine glass!"

Speaking of which, we need to restock.

Apparently The Thief Didn't See the Value

I got a phone call from my boss on Mother's Day . . . over the weekend our offices were broken into, and whoever did it kicked open every office door (our individual offices have doors on them), and riffled through stuff, but they didn't take any higher value items (like computers or digital/camera/etc equipment), nor did they steal any credit card receipts/checks. Some loose change on people's desks and in drawers were taken, though.

My boss said he wanted to prepare me because I might have to take some time on Monday to clean up items that were overturned, tossed, messed up, etc. Okay, I am IN my office and, uh, yeah, I can hardly tell a difference. Probably because it was such a mess to begin with, LOL!

There were a few file drawers opened, but I am too cheap to leave loose change laying around that I am sure I disappointed the thief(s). The one thing that has me sorta cracking up (but sorta sad) is what is still in my desk drawer that has been there for, oh, well over a year now and I have never remembered to throw out (or donate to another woman) . . . a set of digital OV kits. LMAO!!!!!!!! I had to keep 'em at work once upon a time cause of the time of day I was testing. I actually remember the day the last time I used them, and had gotten that "Smiley Face" on it, and how that sometime within the next 24 hours we conceived our lost angel, Gabrielle. It has always felt a little wrong to throw out that kit (yes the pee strip was pitched, LOL), since it was something that connected me to "that time, that place."

Let me be clear . . . I never, NEVER, never want to go through that again. I never want to try again. What I have NOW, is sooooo much better than any child I could ever imagine. And infinitely more beautiful.

Mother's Day was yesterday, and it's the first time ever I was able to be a Mummy to what those in my world call a RLB (real live baby). And it was wonderful. SHE is wonderful. Right down to the part in church yesterday when the priest started to go a bit long on his homily and she stood up, spread her arms wide, and exclaimed "ALL DONE", making several rows of parishoners laugh.

Work Woes

I am now firm in my conclusion . . . I could spend the next couple weeks (months?) doing nothing but filing and re-organizing my 3 gazillion friggin' work emails and STILL not be done with it. I hate having to save every gawddamn email I get - but in the era of C.Y.A., and especially when you (1) work for an organization with several dozen folks on the Board of Directors; (2) oversee multiple committees; and (3) don't trust [and with good reason] backstabbing so-called "colleagues" at partner organizations, well, hence the email inbox that rivals the complaint line for the DMV.

In other news, anybody else taken part in a Webi.nar? The one I was on today was a bit unique in that we used our computers to pick up the live-video feed of the presenters, and listened to the audio through our phones. At my office I have audio on the computer, so I couldn't figure out why we needed to call in via a phone to get the audio separately?! Oh well. I assumed that, therefore, it was like other large calls in that you were only listening in, and it wasn't a two-way audio thing. Which is why when the presenter praised the name of a person I can't stand [see #3 in prior parapgraph] I said under my breath, "Oh phuck her!" Then about 15 minutes later I heard questions being asked of the presenter, and that was my first inkling that um, no, this wasn't a one-way audio feed. 5 minutes after that, my cell phone started ringing (with a music ringtone, a generic one though that comes with the phone), and people on the call giggled. OH PHUCK!!!!!!!!!

Luckily (gulp, I hope), nobody on the call knew it was my voice, and I will maintain complete deniability if ever asked about it. My reaction will be "What? No, I didn't hear that during the call! Who do you think said it?! Wow, maybe somebody was talking in the background in their office and had the phone on speaker?! WOW!"

It's been nearly two hours since this happened, and I haven't heard anything. In fact, I exchanged emails with one of the presenters, so I am thinking (praying) I am safe.

Changing ALL ringtones on phones, though, just to be safe.