Your Friday Morning Cup of Coffee

Just an important lil' somethin' for all you men out there to ponder as you settle into your Friday morning . . .

THE TOP 10 SEX MISTAKES THAT MEN MAKE

And my quick thoughts on the article, point by point:

1. AMEN, Dr. Yvonne. Really good foreplay starts days ahead, if you really want to heighten your experience . . . and OUR performance.
2. YES, YES, YES. We have tons of interesting body parts that are waiting, no, begging to be explored. Now go be a pioneering explorer. In fact, let's play Lewis & Clark.
3. Another YES, YES, YES. Look, we ladies know how fascinated you are with your penis. We know you think it's the be all/end all. But listen, come close, cause I'm about to let you in on a little secret that shall serve you well in all future female conquests (ready?) . . . YOUR PENIS MOVING IN AND OUT IS NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE US "O". It's nice, it's helps, we like how it feels (my posse of women are nodding), but we need a lil' more interaction, okay?! Please re-read my response to #2. Thanks!
4. Listen to our heavy breathing, our moans, our purrs. You'll figure it out, if you listen carefully.
5. Your woman will probably "O" more easily if she thinks you're in it just to have some fun. So stop stressing, and so will we.
6. Um, you like us to keep OUR figures and wear cute outfits AND wear sexy lingerie, right? THEN CHECK THYSELF! Lose your own gut (or build some muscles if you're already thin), wear clean clothes, nice boxers, check your breath, shave your face, update your look (that means wardrobe, glasses, hairstyle, etc.), and stop bitching. [Looking at The Posse, and they are nodding so empathetically they're bordering on whiplash].
7. It's true. We have a naughty side. Meow.
8. Porn Star behavior from us? You first, Mr. Pizza Delivery Boy. (yeah, it's as bizarre in reverse to you as the shit you see in most stupid pornos are to us).
9. Listen, really, for the umpteenth time . . . unless you are so tiny we need a microscope, we don't care about your size. Conversely, your size is not enough to keep us around & interested, either. And another thing, having surveyed all members of The Posse, only one guy has been big enough for any of us to admit we were "wowed." But damn, you'd be amazed at all of the guys we have collectively slept with who THINK they are big "down there." LMAO.
10. Another Amen, Dr. Yvonne ;o)

PHUCK, that hurt! (a.k.a. Our Visit to the County Health Department)

Dr. J and I elected to get several shots (on the advice of our G.P.) in advance of our pending summer trip to China. After checking around we learned that one of the shots is ONLY offered by our County Health Department, and they had evening hours one night a week that would accomodate Dr. J's schedule. So off we went, checkbook in hand (check or cash only, please!)

We decided to get the tetanus booster, Hep A, and Hep B vaccines.

This is the sign that greeted us as we walked into the building . . .


Then we saw THIS sign as we waited for the elevator that would take us to the 3rd floor. Immediately, I said to Dr. J, "be careful what you touch while here. And don't touch me at all."

Oh, here's ANOTHER fun sign that had my germ-phobia starting to kick into panic mode . . .

Lemme say, I am NO wimp, okay?! I can, have, and do deal with physical pain just fine, thank you very much.

However, when that nurse put the Hep A & B combo shot into my arm, it hurt! I swear that thing was given intramuscular or something?! And the moment she pulled the needle out I actually winced! YOWZA! Hey, I got allergy shots for years, so I am NOT afraid of needles. And kee-rist after LAST summer's medical follies where my va-jay-jay went through the friggin' wringer I know I am tough enough. But DAMMIT THIS HURT!

We waited the obligatory 5 minutes post-vaccines, and promised to return in one month's time to get the second phase of the Hep shots. And that's when perhaps the "best moment" presented itself out of this whole germy experience. We exited the elevator back on the 1st floor, and I spotted this sign . . .

Immediately, I start cracking up, while making all sorts of highly inappropriate remarks to Dr. J, who is somewhere between wanting to vomit and laugh hysterically. It's at this point that a janitor happens to overhear us, (cue the voice of Nicolas Cage from the movie "Peggy Sue Got Married,"), nods in our direction at the sign and says "THAT'S THE REAL WORLD RIGHT THERE."

LMAO!!!!!!!!! Hullo, are we high right now? Or just dreaming? It was insane. And awesomely bad. Perfect.


A final gross-out photo . . . this, along with other photo examples of highly contagious diseases, were prominently displayed on the walls of the waiting room where we sat for 30 minutes waiting our turn to be jabbed. I made sure to send a copy of it to Jay (Lori's fiance), who promptly replied, "They paid me $100 to pose for that. And $500 for the herpes one -- have you seen it yet?" LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

Small Steps, Big Leaps of Faith, and Quiet Moments.

A year ago today was thee happiest day of my life. I found out I was pregnant, and despite some tragic history, was feeling really hopeful about this third chance. And for a while, Life was wonderful, and beautiful.

Then something terrible happened -- we got the news that she was too small, and probably not going to make it. And that is what went on to occur, devastating us. So, just as the Due Date for that baby hurt like hell, so does the memory of the date I first learned she was alive inside of me.

Pulling yourself together after such profound grief, and learning to go on, and even contemplating trying again is amazingly difficult. Even still. And its why, even with the pending adoption of our Lil' Pumpkin, I still have moments when I am cynical and scared. I now expect Disappointment in my life. The vulnerability I have acquired often keeps me from preventing it.

But on Saturday I did something that was really difficult for me.

I bought baby clothes for Lil' Pumpkin.

I have avoided doing this ever since we started our "Path to Parenthood," because it felt like I'd be jinxing the whole thing.

With m/c's #2 and #3, it seemed that just when I started to allow myself to dream a little bit, by looking at nursery bedding online (yes, online, not even in-person at the store), our world was shattered shortly thereafter by the loss of our baby.

But Dr. J had to go to the mall to return something anyway, so I shyly asked him if he would accompany me to take those scary steps into the store. I wasn't sure if I'd even be able to buy anything, or if the fear and doubts would take over. He assured me that he would be there to reassure me, and gave me a big hug. And I cried (what else is new, lol?!)

We went into Children's Place, and I bought two pink t-shirts, and one pair of pink shorts for Lil' Pumpkin. I thought they'd be good mix & match items, versatile, and appropriate choices since we'd be picking her up in the high heat of a southern China summer.

Then we went to Target, and picked out just a few more little items, like an adorable hoodie (I seriously LUV this hoodie), a lil' shirt that Dr. J liked, a pair of khaki shorts, and her first pair of jean shorts.

It was truly a leap of faith to do this. A small act, but it required enormous bravery on my part. It meant I had to dig deep and have some faith, and allow Hope to occupy just a tad more room in my heart.

I hope she (Hope) sticks around.

So through my tears, today, I am also looking ahead, and allowing myself little moments to dream. To think about all the things that we were going to do with the baby lost last year . . . and all the things we WILL do with the baby we will welcome home in just a few months.

Fun at The Mall

OMG, I do not know if we ever had such an amazing people-watching opportunity dropped into our lap, before?!

We were headed to the mall (more on that in a subsequent post) and we suddenly noticed that the parking lot was beyond full. Beyond Saturday-before-Christmas FULL. It was insane. Cars everyone, people creating spots where none existed, tons of parking illegally.

Why, we wondered?! I was guessing that Miley Cyrus was making an appearence at the mall. I briefly thought it was tryouts for "America's Next Top Model," but that thought was quickly banished from my mind when I saw all of the ugly people inside the mall.

And there . . . were . . . people . . . EVERY FRIGGIN' WHERE inside. Really. There were lines snaking over every conceivable spot of walking space inside the mall, top and bottom levels. We walked into The Gap to return a birthday present from Dr. J's aunt and I inquired of the sales girl "WTF is going on here?!"

The answer? Tryouts for "Deal or No Deal." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Nope, she wasn't. Apparently people had been camping out in the parking lot since Thursday, coming from Rhode Island, New Jersey, and a whole slew of other states to try out for the show. Dr. J wanted to go outside and shout "Hey everyone, I just saw Howie Mandel walk into Victoria's Secret" and watch the sheeple run accordingly. LMAO.

We ran into a woman from our church and her two kids, and we all had a good laugh at just how insane people are. There were THOUSANDS (yes, thousands) of people still outside, winding around in a long line, still waiting to get in!

Ever the troublemaker (and never passing up an opportunity to say something outrageous) I actually leaned over the railing from the second floor and shouted down to the people below "Hey, they closed the auditions -- they said they're not interviewing anyone else!" Hee-hee!!!

I think we were most dumbfounded by how U-G-L-Y the overwhelming majority of people in line were. It's one thing to be less than a physical specimen of beauty, but these folks were slovenly on top of it. Seriously, people, what makes you think an old, grubby, t-shirt, carrying around 60 extra pounds, and (ladies) a hairstyle you haven't updated since 1986 is going to make a casting director snap their fingers and say "YES -- THAT is who I want to put on t.v.!!!"

Really, people. Really.

The only thing that would have made this people-watching moment more perfect is if we had booze. Oh, that would have been SO sweet!

I hope another t.v. show comes to town again soon to conduct auditions. We are sooooo going back, and gonna each pack a flask to enhance the experience. Cheers!

Marrying Up. Or Down.

I don't think it's any secret that in most marriages (or couplehoods) there is inevitably some lack of parity. A stroll around the mall makes this readily apparent. How often have you seen a goodlooking guy with a less-goodlooking girl and thought to yourself, "She must be hell in bed!" Or seen a beautiful woman with a so-so looking guy and figured "Either he makes gooooood money" or "Maybe he's a good listener" or something to that effect?!

Turns out that there is scientific proof, or something like that. Okay, maybe not scientific proof exactly, but maybe a "method to the madness" as they say.

I can't think of anyone I know well enough to call a friend (maybe a couple of acquaintanceas) that is in a relationship in which it's the guy who is the better-looking one. I don't know what that says about all of these people, or me (maybe I gravitate toward people who have similar types of expectations in their intimate relationships?!)

I think most of us are generally more comfortable accepting that a beautiful woman can love a less-beautiful (physically) man. But who ever believes the opposite?! Don't we all squint our eyes in suspicion if we see a goodlooking man with a woman who is less attractive, or chubby? Why is that?!

Eh, at least I admit to it, I suppose.

Spring has SPRUNG!

FINALLY, we had a truly beautiful day around here!

Evidence:

• I was treated to lunch at a "soul food" place that has been all the rage, and got to eat outdoors.
• I barely turned on the space heater in my office today (it's a super-cold office most of the time).
• I skipped the gym and jogged outdoors after work.
• I opened the gas bill when I got home, and it was $80 CHEAPER THAN LAST MONTHS!!! WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
• The local ball team blew it and lost the home opener.

Next up . . . time to break out the lil' dresses, lose the nylons, and lather on the extra moisturizer to make that skin summery smooth :o)

R.I.P. Old Friend

So saddened to hear that Charlton Heston has passed on to Heaven. What a guy! Me, Dr. J, Noah, Adrian, Kirk, and so many more loved the dude.

It may be for the best, since he was so ill from Alzheimer's over the past few years, but damn the guy had one hell of a resume.

Of course, I hafta wonder . . . when he died, did they finally get the gun out of his "cold dead, hand", or are they just gonna bury him with it?!

WE LOVE YA, DUDE!

Bad Blogger

I have been a bad, bad, blogger lately.

I have LOTS to say, just too little time to type it out. Busy with a sudden project in my personal life.

Work also has me waaaaay busy, since it's Primary Season in my state, and a lot of my job involves the political realm.

So I am going to cheat and do a "Random Musings" list of unflitered thoughts that have popped into my mind recently:

• J.Lo -- honey, please stop pretending those twins are "just completely natural." We all KNOW you had fertility help. That's okay, we love you anyway! We know you have suffered m/c's, and we're happy for you. But please, stop kidding us, okay?!


• Dammit, I need to get a new purse. My shit don't fit -- evidenced by the apparent disappearing act of my blessed Ray-Bans. (Cue me pouting and tearing up). I can't not live without sunglasses. I have SUPER-sensitive eyes, the kind that blink in pain if I get near a light bulb, I swear. I never even turn on the lights in my office. PLEASE RAY-BANS, FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO ME! I swear I will invest in a bigger, more fashionable purse if you come back to mama!!!


• Where can I find an inexpensive throw rug for a bedroom? Other than Target, I have no clue. Eh, maybe IKEA, if they aren't too funky.


• WHY THE PHUCK DOESN'T IKEA HAVE WEDDING AND BABY REGISTRIES?! Seriously, this is ridiculous!!!!!!! TONS of people furnish their homes and nurseries via IKEA -- I just can't understand this?!


• It sucks that 2.0 and MH live thousands of miles away. I need them here, to make The Posse complete.


• There are waaaaaay too many children's sippy cups on the market. People, it's a sippy cup, not technology that launches the space shuttle. Designers, get a friggin' life and find something new to re-invent for gawd's sake!

Okay, time to go stalk the blogs of the strangers whose world's I am fascinated by.