Jesse-time!

I haven't posted a Jesse-story in a while. Today's "Topic du Jour" among us (Dr. J and I) and the CA Crew (Adrian, Noah, Kirsten, Jesse) was bizarre work stories. As always, Jesse wins. So I am honoring by posting his story . . . .

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I have an employer story too. Not as good as Kirsten's naked-key story...

This was not my lawyer job. I was in Vegas with three guys we worked for the same company at a seminar/trade show type deal.

The boss, (my friend-"Joe") and a crew head "John" were in one room at the tropicana. I basically did sales and paperwork, had a room with another crew chief.

Joe, John, and I played blackjack all night across the street at New York, New York. Joe was talking to one nice girl at the table. We left Joe there with girl late..like 3 am before our 8 am seminar as scheduled. Next morning early (7:30 am) crew chief John calls me. says meet me in lobby...now..

I meet him, he says stay close. I say wtf? Did Joe score last night? He says yes he did. I said at your guys room? He says "Yes". I say with that girl from the blackjack table? He says "no":.

.."With two black hookers and a pile of coke...and now one of them is pissed he didn't pay wwhat he was supposed to pay or whatever and they both blew him and I am fukcin married and I do not need this shite and you are goin in there to help his ass out..."

Fukc

So we go in. Joe is in there unconscious. there are rolled up dollar bills and condoms allover the bed and table... we wake joe. Joe calls his sister (for whatever reason not his girlfriend) in Califonia to get her ass to the supermarket and wire him TWELVE HUNDRED BUCKS I find out there is no Wetern union at our hotel (how dumb for a casino) so we have to walk to NY NY to get it. Joes sister wants to talk to me. Fcuk.

She says what happened? I say we got out of line at a Blackjack table and they put Joe in jail. She goes to wire the money. Me and John and two ghetto ass black hookers walk in scalding heat across a bridge to NY NY . On the walk, the one better looking one is selling still to us "I don't just do this I like to fukc" you guys like to fukc?

i am the only single one and I am not touching it but they kept trying..gott give it to them for persistence...

20 minutes of garbage talk later, the money came. We paid them (too much I'm sure) and we skipped the rest of the seminar and drank.

What happens in Vegas...bullshite..

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Gawd, I love Jesse. I am gonna have to nag him for my scamming-on-unsuspecting-young-chicks stories. I especially miss the segments on Young Darcy ;o)

Chocolate Thoughts

Spending the night at the "sweetest place on earth," The Hershey Hotel. My first time here. Haven't seen much, and won't, as I am busy with a work-seminar for two long days. Disappointed in my hotel room . . . it's nice n'all, but fussy/formal looking, whereas I prefer modern and contemporary. And after the GIANT room I had at the Hotel Rouge a few weeks ago in D.C., this room feels a bit claustrophobic. I will give props to/for the shower pressure (and detachable head) and super-powered hair dryer - gawd, is my hair super-bouncy from it!

At least I am getting lots of free candy, right?! I have PLENTY to take home with me, and be a hero to Dr. J and my precious Lil Pumpkin.

It's also Dr. J's birthday today! Happy Birthday, Cookie! (Sorry that we have to postpone celebrating the occasion until Saturday).

It strikes me as a bit comical that I am surrounded by so much chocolate on the first day of Lent, since many Catholics give up chocolate for Lent, LOL. I have never given up chocolate, since it's not much of a temptation for me. I like chocolate (esp. white and dark), but in small quantities.

What should I give up for Lent??? Let's consider typical things given up by Catholics . . .

• Diet Coke/Hot Tea (caffiene) -- yeah, as IF! If a warm bottle is a staple for a toddler, then caffiene is Mummy's "must have"
• Swearing -- fuck that, and fuck those who give it up
• Television -- uh uh, a non-starter - I'd rather give up sex
• Sex -- I could probably give it up for 40 days, but c'mon, does The Lord REALLY want me to do that (I think not)?!

I guess I have some more thinking to do on this. In the meantime, I shall ponder the situation as I luxuriously and greedily pop a Hershey's miniature dark chocolate in my mouth, and savor the taste as it melts on my tongue!

State of the Union (live thoughts)

Pretending I have my dream job for a moment - blogging for dollars! Yes, I dream of being a paid political pundit, like my hero Michele Malkin!

But since I want to NOT do work-related things right now, I will us confine my comments on the State of the Union Address to what is TRULY important . . . how everybody looks!

I must say, that eggplant color is FABULOUS on Michelle Obama.

Second, WTF is Nancy Pelosi wearing? I guess it's a suit, but it looks like a sweater-top?! She needs to JUST STOP with the plastic surgery and other touchups.

And Joe Biden keeps looking down . . . is he checking his blackberry? Maybe he has a hand mirror and is seeing if his teeth are shiny enough? Biden could use a few facial touchups all of a sudden. Must be because The Prez appointed him "Stimulus Czar" to oversee it. Does this mean we should now refer to him as "Czar Biden"?!

I see "Sully" is in the crowd. Okay, the guy did an amazing thing! But DAMN, can we move along already?!

Obama's tie is nice. His hair looks a bit lighter . . . is it greying on sides or is he not coloring it s much?

Pelosi not blinking her eyes a thousand times a minute like she did every time Bush gave a State of the Union Address . . . guess she finally started listening to her focus group reports that commented on it. (Believe you and me, people at the top have these things done, and adjust their behavior on tv accordingly). Wonder how long before The First Lady's focus group moderator works up the nerve to tell her to stop licking her teeth like an old lady readjusting her dentures?!
Just saw John Kerry . . . eek, he still gives me the creeps (visually).

Did Obama just say " Cause nobody messes with Joe" (meaning Biden)?!?!? LMAO! Dude, that's because they are afraid he will BLIND them with his super-white teeth!!!

Wake up, Carl Levin!!! That guy always reminded me of a sloth - he just has that look about him - I swear I saw him in an illustrated childhood fable or something. Or maybe that character that Danny DeVito played inone of the Batman movies.

I loathe watching so many members of Congress f'in PRETEND to support the troops, cheering and clapping for those in the galley. Phuck you assholes, you treat the troops and their efforts like shit.

Gawd, wouldn't it be great if Nancy Pelosi fell off her chair one of these times she popped up to clap? That chair must have Crisco on it, that's how fast she is popping up and down.

Wait, what's that sound? Oh yeah, it's the terrorists laughing their phucking asses off as The Prez proclaims that the U.S. does not and will not torture. Can I force every member of Congress to read a Vince Flynn novel? Have they never seen an episode of "24"? Who votes for these stupid, ignorant motherfuckers?!

Shit, just realized I am off my stated purpose - to mock the clothes and appearences of our "leaders," but when they begin to make a mockery of our troops I get mightily pissed off.

UPDATE/EDIT: I had no idea my political crush, Bobby Jindal, was giving the Republican response?!?! Wheeeeeee!

So Ashamed

We had our second "sans baby" date since becoming parents on Saturday afternoon. Had a pretty good time, highlight of which was having a mojito (me) and martini (he), while doing some silly people-watching.

We came home, Lil Pumpkin was still alive and well, and our dear friends Kelli and Matt had tuckered her out to the point that she fell asleep nearly 3 hours early, LOL! (We paid for this the following morning, when she woke up 2 hours early).

Kelli & Matt had brought a pizza, so we popped in the oven, and opened a couple bottles of wine. One of which was a gift we acquired from a patient of Dr. J's somewhere along the way. It was something we would NEVER drink, but thought Kelli & Matt might like since they like fruitier things than we. And well, we thought we wouldn't like it because we are wine snobs.

And then it happened. We tried a sip. And, um, it was good. Actually, it tasted pretty darn good. Made me think giddy, youthful thoughts, and want more.

We were both ashamed of drinking it. And even more so for enjoying it. I was more ashamed that it was Be.ringer, and Dr. J more ashamed because it was white zin.


Shhhh, don't tell anyone!!!

Bar Babe

So we don't get out much anymore (okay, we didn't get out all that much before, either, or at least since we moved back from Kal-ee-forn-yah). Thus, it's quite possible that I have forgotten a lot of things about going out in general.

Add Lil Pumpkin into the mix and I guess I have forgotten A LOT of my pre-baby life.

Case in point . . . a few days ago Dr. J mentions that a patient of his has invited us to a party she is having for her boyfriend on an upcoming Saturday night. I immediately grill him for details, yadda yadda. We agree to go. Have never been to this place before, which kinda stresses me out (I like the familiar, what can I say), but okay, we will go.

A few days later, I am organizing the clothes in Lil Pumpkin's closet as Dr. J is getting our frenetic ball of Chinese energy ready for her evening bath. I pull two dresses out of her closest and the conversation goes something like this . . .

• MS. J: "Which one do you think I should put on her for that party?"
• DR. J: "What party?"
• MS. J: (rolling my eyes), "Hullo?! The party your patient is having for her boyfriend on the 28th?!"
• DR. J: "Um, I didn't think we would be taking the baby with us."
• MS. J: "Why wouldn't we? We are not ready to leave her with anyone other than my Mom yet during evening hours, and I think my Mom does enough childcare already, she doesn't need her on a Saturday night on top of it! So why not take the baby with us?!?!?!"
• DR. J: "Uh, because the party is at a BAR?!"
• MS. J: "Oh. [long pause]. Kee-rist, I guess I missed that fact. Damn, I need to get out more. I was going to take the baby to a bar with us!!! WHAT is wrong with me?!?!?! LOL!"

I got kinda panicky at thought of leaving Lil Pumpkin on a Saturday evening when it's so close to her bedtime . . . but taking a leap and going to try and go out at night, with husband, sans baby.

Inhale. Exhale.

ThreePeat and F'in Frosting

For three blissful nights in a row . . . I have been able to squeeze in working out on the treadmill while Dr. J gave Lil Pumpkin her bath. It has been heavenly. I am so amazingly thrilled that he assembled the treadmill I agonized over whether to buy . . . and not only does it work perfectly, it suits my needs to a "T".

I never suspected that working out from the privacy of my basement could be so satisfying! But there I was, 3 nights in a row, sweating my ass off in my grubbiest t-shirts that I should have stopped pitched in the trash about 30 pounds ago (heavier), but still keep around cause they are so big and roomy and perfect for sleeping in (and they hold lots of memories). On my new treadmill I am singing while I work out, gesturing wildly, and bopping around like only a white girl can (that means I look like a freak who should be institutionalized -- think Elaine from "Se.infeld" doing her patented dance move, LOL). But I am SO LOVING IT!!! (Thank you, Cookie, for building it!!!)

Which brings me to frosting . . . because we have leftover frosting from V-Day baking, the past three nights prior to bed I have taken to secretly swiping a spoonful and greedily licking it off. And for three nights now, I have had completely phucked up dreams, ranging from the enlightened . . . I selected my seat in church via the intenret much like you pre-select your plane seat . . . to the twisted . . . I am wearing a bikini top in which the bra cups are made out of the toy cymbals from my daughter's "band in a box." I am blaming ALL of this on THE VANILLA FROSTING! [Surely it has nothing to do with my own inner-weirdness, eh?!]

Lust Cookies . . . now Lil Pumpkin Cookies

So, it would probably be in poor taste (figuratively, not literally) to carryout our annual V-Day tradition of baking cookies with our porno cookie cutters and decorating them in all sorts of nasty ways. Probably.

So instead we baked cookies with our Lil Pumpkin, as she was strapped into her highchair. It was great! And capped off by her successful pee-pee on the potty!

We also had a great time letting her run around the Auto Show.

What a difference a year makes.

Roundabout Getaway

Just a few journal-ly thoughts on my second biz trip sans baby . .

• Being a Mummy still means I am phucking incapable of getting to a destination with getting incredibly lost (though, miraculously, I still can make it on time, WTF?!
  
• Roundabouts. Sigh. AARRRGGGHHHH. Another SIGH!


• I was not nearly as nervous on this trip that the baby would freak out that I was away from her, but this is probably because it was only for one night


• I do love D.C., despite the idiots running/ruining it. I really should have gone there my junior year of college liked I had always planned, and interned on Capitol Hill. Sigh. Oh well, love takes you in different directions, I guess!

My hotel stay deserves it's own little set of notations, too . . .

• It was my third time staying in a Kimpton Hotel, and I was blown away for a third time!


• The Hotel Rouge was a challenge to find, but thanks to their sympathetic front desk I did eventually


• The room was even bigger than I had imagined (yee haw, bigger isn't always better, but when it comes to room size it sure sways me when there is plenty o' room to move)


• I felt all shiny and new having an evening (despite being work-dictated) in which my only responsibilities were to take care of myself


• It felt luxurious to be able to roll around in a bed so comfy, with super-plump pillows that seemed made just for me


• Though I didn't get a whole lot of sleep, I felt strangely refreshed and relaxed as I sat in meetings on Day Two of the conference

So, to sum, I battled some Being-Away-From-Baby Guilt, but I still can firmly pronounce the biz trip a success, even if for selfish reasons.