Scared But Plugging/Perspective

Two new "hits" (as I call 'em) have once again knocked me back on my ass. One is a change in health insurance at my normally wonderful, big girl job - which could essentially cost me $1,250-$2,500 a year. The other is an out of nowhere (and undeserved) doubling of interest rate on my sole credit card (and I am a good customer, carrying a balance but not too big of one).

I had just started to feel like maybe, just maybe, things were settling down. Like we just might finally treading be adequately treading water. But I don't handle surprises well (okay, I handle them like a trauma victim who has been scared shitless, and I freak out and hyperventilate), and I literally have been on the verge of panic attacks all week. I actually had two in a row yesterday, and the lump that formed in my throat felt like I was being swiftly strangled to death.

Nothing, NOTHING, is more sacred to me than financial stability. Alright, first it's my kid's health and safety (but geez, that's the same for everybody). THEN, it's financial stability. Notice I didn't say financial "security," I have switched to "stability" as my emotional survival plan. I keep thinking I should be comforted by the fact that lots of people are having even harder times right now . . . but gawd, I don't give a shit. I care about MY shit, not their shit!!!

I am tired of the up and down feelings . . . one minute I am minute hopeful, one minute sad. One minute delighted, one minute exasperated. One minute re-charged, one minute rundown. One minute invigorated, one minute resigned. One minute treading, one minute slipping. LOL, if going back on anxiety meds would eliminate the trick I'd do it - but then I'd be bitching about the co-pay and the weight gain (which would in turn cause me to need to buy bigger clothes, and once again I'd have even NEWER shit to be upset about, yippee!!!)

I am trying (trying) to locate my lost balance, and put it back together. I see bits and pieces of it from time to time . . . Lil Pumpkin getting more independent, she is back to her regular self after some regressive weeks post-surgery, and she is much more comfortable with transitions. I am finding that I am doing a better job at working more efficiently within the hours I do have, and even managing (some days) to haul ass outta bed wee early and plunk onto the treadmill. It ain't perfect, but it's better. Dr. J is doing a much better job at keeping up on things around the house, and even semi-power cooking more than half of the time. We are close to resolving 1/2 of our car woes (please, Jesus!), and maybe, just maybe, our meeting with the bank manager will result in some restructuring that will result in: (A) me breathing, (B) Dr. J feeling empowered, and (C) less tension between us. I won't even hope for (D) some excess money to go out to (gasp) dinner on occasion, but if it happens, mazel tov!

The mantra that Deanna (who brought home 11 month old twin girls from China) gave me helps when it comes to Lil Pumpkin -- "think back not to yesterday, but a month ago, and see how things have gotten better, gotten easier, gotten more manageable. "

Now I just need a mantra to help me deal with my financial anxiety. Right now the best I can come up with is "Everybody else feels phucked, too. Please refill my wine glass!"

Speaking of which, we need to restock.