Small Steps, Big Leaps of Faith, and Quiet Moments.

A year ago today was thee happiest day of my life. I found out I was pregnant, and despite some tragic history, was feeling really hopeful about this third chance. And for a while, Life was wonderful, and beautiful.

Then something terrible happened -- we got the news that she was too small, and probably not going to make it. And that is what went on to occur, devastating us. So, just as the Due Date for that baby hurt like hell, so does the memory of the date I first learned she was alive inside of me.

Pulling yourself together after such profound grief, and learning to go on, and even contemplating trying again is amazingly difficult. Even still. And its why, even with the pending adoption of our Lil' Pumpkin, I still have moments when I am cynical and scared. I now expect Disappointment in my life. The vulnerability I have acquired often keeps me from preventing it.

But on Saturday I did something that was really difficult for me.

I bought baby clothes for Lil' Pumpkin.

I have avoided doing this ever since we started our "Path to Parenthood," because it felt like I'd be jinxing the whole thing.

With m/c's #2 and #3, it seemed that just when I started to allow myself to dream a little bit, by looking at nursery bedding online (yes, online, not even in-person at the store), our world was shattered shortly thereafter by the loss of our baby.

But Dr. J had to go to the mall to return something anyway, so I shyly asked him if he would accompany me to take those scary steps into the store. I wasn't sure if I'd even be able to buy anything, or if the fear and doubts would take over. He assured me that he would be there to reassure me, and gave me a big hug. And I cried (what else is new, lol?!)

We went into Children's Place, and I bought two pink t-shirts, and one pair of pink shorts for Lil' Pumpkin. I thought they'd be good mix & match items, versatile, and appropriate choices since we'd be picking her up in the high heat of a southern China summer.

Then we went to Target, and picked out just a few more little items, like an adorable hoodie (I seriously LUV this hoodie), a lil' shirt that Dr. J liked, a pair of khaki shorts, and her first pair of jean shorts.

It was truly a leap of faith to do this. A small act, but it required enormous bravery on my part. It meant I had to dig deep and have some faith, and allow Hope to occupy just a tad more room in my heart.

I hope she (Hope) sticks around.

So through my tears, today, I am also looking ahead, and allowing myself little moments to dream. To think about all the things that we were going to do with the baby lost last year . . . and all the things we WILL do with the baby we will welcome home in just a few months.