So Far, So Good

So I have managed 2 evening, and 2 bedtimes alone, (that means sans Dr. J) thus far. He left Thursday afternoon on his business trip. Back on Sunday evening!

I have been extremely nervous about him being away . . . partly because I have doubts about my ability to successfully solo parent for that amount of time, and partly 'cause I am a GIANT 'fraidy cat when it comes to staying alone. (And thanks, Adrian, for "The Call Is Coming From Inside Your House!" quips. Little bitch! Kidding, I love you, and your giant mitts that could squash me).

Actually, I could have used ol' ManHands tonight when I was drawing a bath for Lil Pumpkin. As I was testing the water to see if it was the right temp, I spotted A GIANT SPIDER on the wall of the shower. GIANT. (okay, it really wasn't giant, but if it's 2 inches it might as well be a phucking foot). I whimpered, admittedly OUT LOUD, but killed the intruder. And then I whimpered some more, and hurried off a text to three people who I knew would understand.

Why am I so nervous about being sans co-parent for 3.5 days? 'Cause (1) I am not used to spending THAT amount of time alone with Lil Pumpkin. Seriously, I think the max I have spent with her solo uptil now is 5 hours - that's partly because "Adoption Attachment Protocol" (yes, I am self-coining that) dictates that you do as much together as a core family unit as possible; and (2) I am nervous because LP has had like SIX "good days" in a row. She's a friggin' toddler! This means that at any moment she could swing into "Crank Mode" and have a total meltdown. Consider that these past six wonderful days came after a week's worth of I-AM-TODDLER-AND-I-DAMN-WELL-WILL-DISREGARD-THE-RULES-AND-MELTDOWN episodes, which included Lil Pumpkin forgoing her typical 2 hour afternoon naps. [cue the shuddering]. I realize to that (3) the childcare schedule we have with/for LP means that we tend to be with her in 4 hour solo shifts, max.

Why am I so nervous being sans man for 3.5 days? 'Cause (1) I have already admitted I am a 'fraidy cat. A house with hardwood floors does not help matters (hullo creakiness!); (2) My mind LOVES to play tricks on me; (3) the security system does not fully alleviate my fears (the loaded shotgun does more, thank you!); (4) I live in fear of spontaneous electrical fires occuring in my home. Okay, I live in fear of fires and burns in general [I have a smoke detector in EVERY room of our house AND a CO2 detector on each floor]. (5) Bugs and spiders put out an A.P.B. when I am sans man, and love to freak the shit out of me! And (6) my cooking phucking sucks at this point. And my Saturday plans and half of Sunday FELL THROUGH (was gonna be at my Dad & Stepmother's house), so now I gotta figure out WHAT THE PHUCK we are going to eat for three meals therein?! (I can handle breakfast, and probably LP's lunch, though).

Desp.erate Housew.ife? Hardly. I just like having a man around.

Thus far . . . LP has been a 9.5 out of 10. Bath & bedtime routine kept consistent, and she was actually asleep a bit earlier than usual! The warmer weather is helping, too (playing outside!)

Now if MUMMY could just relax and get some sleep, too ;o)

Wants & Needs

For the past decade I have used the logic of separating "Wants" from "Needs" in order to make decisions, prioritize, communicate, and so on. I find it to be quite useful, on a lot of fronts. Now that 2009 is here, and many of the blogs I frequent are stating their New Years Resolutions, I thought a "Wants & Needs" list might help me expeditiously move (or muddle) through the following year, and maybe make it a bright and shiny one in the process.


Here goes:

• I want to work out 5x's a week, including lifting weights 3x's per week.
• I need to spend a combined 5 full hours a week exercising, on a conveniently located treadmill (i.e. at home).

• I want to go away on a spa vacation.
• I need to have two pedicures a year, and quarterly nights away from home all to myself.

• I want to put more hours into my fabulous job.
• I need to work as efficiently as possible with the time I have, and embrace my existing ability to multi-task as a gift.



• I want to have a great time at my company's big Gala, and look fabulous while doing so.
• I need to sober up befor driving home, and look fabulous at the big Gala.

• I want to have a big spa-like bathtub in my house to escape to whenever I need respite.
• I need to bathe every other day, without feeling guilty for taking time away from _______ (fill in the blank with: Lil Pumpkin, chores, workstuff, sleep, Dr. J, emails, photo editing).

• I want to hike every weekend this coming spring and summer.
• I need to do something weekly that is very active and sweaty, outdoors, this coming spring and summer.

• I want to have no debts, be setting aside money for my kid's future, and my own (LOL) retirement.
• I need to feel financial secure, or at least on manageable ground.

• I want to be a Trophy Wife.
• I need to be the envy of bona fide trophy wifes. Okay, I want to be the envy of every woman - I freely admit it. I am competitive like that. It's residual chafe from years of NOT being the prettiest, smartest, funnest (I know it's not a word).

• I want to be able to sit through mass each week, listening and breathing and contemplating.
• I need for my daughter to get with MumMa's dream of timing her naps for during mass.

• I want to be a stylish and fashionable person again.
• I need to occasionally have a new dress. And shoes (and neither have to be expensive nor designer).

• I want a deep-tissue massage twice a month.
• I need to have somebody with strong hands rub my neck and back, for 10 minutes, once a week.

• I want to have crazy, fun, slightly buzzed, sex regularly.
• I need to have the urge to want crazy, fun, slightly buzzed, sex regularly.

• I want to tell my husband that I still think he is very attractive. And that when it wears cologne on the weekends (job prevents him from doing so during the week), it really turns me on.
• I need to do a better job of letting my fear prevent me from doing so.

• I want to have two new, reliable, Japanese crossover vehicles that get good gas mileage.
• I need to feel that I am driving a reliable vehicle, and not burst into tears nor rage when one of our vehicles breaks down or has some other mechanical issue beyond our control.

• I want to have a new kitchen for Dr. J to cook in.
• I need to pay for a bunch of other shit in our lives first.

• I want to be able to turn up the heat in our house without worrying about the bill next month.
• I need to feel warm without consequence.
  

• I want to rotate weekly meetups up with Lori, Hamster, Kelli, and Sandi for drinks and gossip and venting.
• I need to have standing dates with all of these people, and not feel so isolated and out of touch. And not feel guilty about being away from the baby when I do so.

The Year In Review

Normally I wait until the official last day of the year to do this, but since I am travelling it's gonna have to be a day early. Here's hoping that nothing shocking happens tomorrow that alters these lists -- then again, I will be seeing "The Bitch Cow," a.k.a. my S-I-L who needs to drop 20 pounds, and upset & humiliated me the last time I saw her, so who the phuck knows?! That's okay, I am in a much better place this year, one of strength, and I swear I will kick her cream puff ass if she so much as looks at me funny. Cheers!

WHAT WAS GOOD:

1. Falling in love with Lil Pumpkin the moment I saw her referral photos
2. Greasy, delicious, noodles and rice from "The Baby Restaurant."
3. Hearing Jane repeatedly ask "does anybody need any pure, bottled, water?!"
4. Chinese hospitality and housekeeping. And laundry.
5. Adrian's surprise packages.
6. Crazy cross-country chats.
7. Kimbolton!
8. Unlimited texting. Still.
9. Hope found me.
10. Watching my Dad fall in love with his granddaughter.
11. Being granted the privilege to love & parent the most amazing child that ever existed. And I am not biased. Really.

WHAT WAS BAD:

1. First-hand experience of just how much a toddler can grieve. As prepared as we were, it was still 100x's worse than anything you can imagine.
2. The Nanning Airport meltdown (Lil Pumpkin's and our own)
3. The IRS announcing mileage reimbursement is decreasing in 2009. Phuck.
4. Chinese heat & humidity.
5. The visit to the County Health Dept.
6. Extreme financial stress.
7. The repeat visit to the County Health Dept.
8. Losing/misplacing my beloved & semi-pricey RayB.ans. I have waaay sun-sensitive eyes and my el' cheapos ain't cuttin' it.
9. The Bath That Broke The Ceiling.
10. Cracks and crevices that deepen into caves.
11. The mourning of what likely happened to Yuanchun.

WHAT I LEARNED:

1. Attachment techniques work if you stay consistent!
2. How to clean my house in 60 minutes time, top to bottom. Okay, maybe 90 minutes. And okay, maybe just passable enough to fool visitors.
3. Micro-fleece is my friend. Meow. Not sexy, but warm.
4. Dr. J is capable of mowing the grass if it gets high enough.
5. God's power to bring together the right baby to us, under extraordinary circumstances.
6. My husband can dig way deep when he wants to. Evidence: walking, walking, and more walking. And then bonding, bonding, and more bonding.
7. Dr. J and I could NEVER have created a child more stunning than the one we adopted. Every inch of her is stunning.
8. Wedding details are far less stressful when you are a bridesmaid than when you are Thee Bride (love ya, Lori!)
9. I am Sydney Ellen Wade.
10. Things can get better.
11. Faith does make things possible, not easy. Truly. Just like the sign said near my house.
    

WHAT I WANT TO DO IN THE NEW YEAR (my potpourri category winner):

1. Get toned again.
2. Buy a treadmill and not feel guilty about it. (LMAO).
3. Embrace DVR.
4. Not cry when on a business trip.
5. Take more long baths. Uninterrupted.
6. Start/Finish the Life Book.
7. Hike on every sunny day. Or at least use the jogging stroller.
8. Feel sexy again.
9. Stay unapologetically patriotic and in-love with our troops!
10. Hook up with Howard again.
11. Fall in love all over again.
    

Redacted

Found the extra bottle (3/4's full) of eye makeup remover that I just KNEW was in my house somewhere. It was hiding out in my gym bag, all snug and cozy.

I think I am entitled to recess and an extra Butte.rfingers for this, right?! Oh wait, I ate all of the Butterf.ingers that Dr. J stowed in my Christmas stocking.

BTW, thanks for the terrific Christmas gifts, hon! I loved each one, and was mucho impressed with the thought you put into them, por favor ;o)

Powerless

I have decided to admit the following . . . I AM POWERLESS (meaning nada willpower to resist) WHEN IT COMES TO THE FOLLOWING:

• Butterf.ingers candy - ooooooh, baby, I do love you. I have eaten like 6 of the bite-sized ones over the past few days. I am trying not to stress about this, since I dropped like 4 more pounds last week when I was sick, and so far haven't put it back on (which brings my post-baby weight loss to 12 pounds, yeah for me!)


• Victor.ia's Secret Fashion Show - they showed the rerun on tv the other night . . . and I was mesmerized all over again - imagining myself on the catwalk, grooving along to the awesome music selections, whimpering for the lingerie to be in my personal repertoire, sniff sniff.


• White-chocolate covered pretzels - my personal version of crack coc.aine, thank you!


• A thin V-neck sweater - damn, they look good on me, and are so versatile ;o)


• Free drinks - I admit it. Especially if I can combine it with semi-legit work schmoozing


• Gossip - Live it, love it, embrace it!
  
• Lil Pumpkin's Giggle - And I know just how to make her do it (chase her around the room, toss her into the air so she lands on her bed, or hold her upside down - I tell ya, my baby girl is a fearless daredevil!)

Is That a Can of Pringles or are You Just Happy to See Me?

This morning I woke up from a dead state of sleep just shy of 5 a.m. The reason? I had a bad dream in which I had been arrested. For shoplifting a can of Prin.gles. Yes, a can of Pri.ngles.

WTF is wrong with me?! (I know, do I want that list alphabetically?!)

In the dream I manage to get out of what had to be the dirtiest grocery store I have seen in a long time, am 3/4's of the way to my car, when security steers me back to the store. I hadn't much concealed the can -- it was kind of in the crook of my arm, along with my purse.

Now WHAT is this all about?! Much as I love the salty, crisp yumminess that are Pr.ingles, I am thinking it that this bizarre scenario has something to do with denying myself something I want or desire. (I do love chips, gawd do I ever, but rarely buy them, since I am determined to keep my weight under control and I know that letting chippies into my home are like a "gateway drug" that could spiral into me falling of the wagon).

Nah, dreams are rarely literal like that. Objects and people always represent something or someone else. What am I denying? What am I wanting? What am I reaching for? Is it as yummy as a can of P.ringles?!?!?!

Yard Work? WTF?!?!?!

I rushed home from the municipal meeting I had just finished up at because I received a FRIGHTENING text message from my husband . . .

"I AM MOWING THE LAWN."

I was so scared. He has NEVER ever done something like that. Seriously, we have owned this house a year, and he has never done that. Hey, neither have I. I refuse to do yard work or home improvement projects. Really. I said it when we closed on the house and have never waivered.

Last summer we paid my Mom a few bucks here and there to do it (our lawn is not that big). Really. Or would give a few bucks to this guy who is a friend of the family to do it. That's how WE roll. And I like that my husband does NOT do this kind of stuff -- 'cause we agree we suck at it and he doesn't try to deviate from that. Let somebody else do it, somebody who is BETTER at it than us! We will PAY, or trade services somehow.

But our lawn looked soooooo bad, and he couldn't stand it any more. We have an old lady who lives next to us who is a grass-cutting nazi. And the lesbian couple behind us put us to shame (they were outside shoveling asphalt while all of this hoopla was going on, I kid you not).

So Dr. J borrowed the lawnmower from my Mom (she has been too busy to do it) and was mowing when I got home. I took photos. He said to me "I will NEVER do this again." Well thank gawd for that! I would have called a psychiatrist or scheduled an intervention if he LIKED it, LOL!

I am wondering if all of the muffin-baking and flour-sifting tips he gave Kirsten today (via email) inspired him to get in touch with his Manly Man side?
Sniff, sniff, I want my metrosexual back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, Dr. J, I am in awe right now. I think in a good way. Lord knows I can't and won't do something like that. Ever.

But please, NEVER again. I can't handle this.

It's like I don't even know YOU anymore!!!!!!!!!

More Hearting

I spent most of Saturday afternoon swooning. I admit it. Freely. My body just felt sooooo good. His touch lingered for hours afterwards. My spirit was uplifted, my skin warm, my energy positive.

He does it to me every time.

Yes, I am referring to "My Howard." To refresh everyone's memory, he is the young massage therapist-in-training I have gone to several times now for an hour of delicious "Me Time."

And damn, does that boy ever deliver :o)

I think he is getting cuter each time I see him, too. I luv how he whispers when he touches my body, giggles with me about how he worries about new clients who have "bAcne," how he asks me if he's using enough pressure, how he rubs my glutes . . . okay, I especially luv how he rubs my glutes.

All people in the service industry have their favorite clients -- hairdressers, manicurists, doctors, chefs, they all do. I like to think that Howard enjoys me as his client, in this regard. I guess our session was running a few minutes long, cause at the end of our alloted time he was rubbing my back with these long, deep strokes and then he whispered, "They're telling me I have to stop."

I wanted to purr "Ohhhhh, don't stop . . . ." Hee-hee!

And yeah, I will see him again in a few weeks ;o)

Marrying Up. Or Down.

I don't think it's any secret that in most marriages (or couplehoods) there is inevitably some lack of parity. A stroll around the mall makes this readily apparent. How often have you seen a goodlooking guy with a less-goodlooking girl and thought to yourself, "She must be hell in bed!" Or seen a beautiful woman with a so-so looking guy and figured "Either he makes gooooood money" or "Maybe he's a good listener" or something to that effect?!

Turns out that there is scientific proof, or something like that. Okay, maybe not scientific proof exactly, but maybe a "method to the madness" as they say.

I can't think of anyone I know well enough to call a friend (maybe a couple of acquaintanceas) that is in a relationship in which it's the guy who is the better-looking one. I don't know what that says about all of these people, or me (maybe I gravitate toward people who have similar types of expectations in their intimate relationships?!)

I think most of us are generally more comfortable accepting that a beautiful woman can love a less-beautiful (physically) man. But who ever believes the opposite?! Don't we all squint our eyes in suspicion if we see a goodlooking man with a woman who is less attractive, or chubby? Why is that?!

Eh, at least I admit to it, I suppose.

Horoscope

Okay so I am not obsessed with astrology or anything like that. But I do find it fun and entertaining from time to time. And occasionally it is RIGHT on the mark. In general, I find it spooky how much I match up with the typical Scorpio traits.

This morning I logged into my Yahoo account and took the time to read today's daily forecast. In light of multiple issues I am dealing with in my personal life, I was kinda blown away by what my horoscope said:

Your practical side has had too much control over your decision making

lately, and it's time for you to stop deliberating every single decision in such

an analytic way. Life requires some leaps of faith, some risk-taking, and a

little bit of luck if it's going to stay interesting. Try let go. Try not to control

every single element of your day today. Let other people make some decisions,

and trust that everything will still be okay -- because it will. You're taking on

too much responsibility. It's time to step back.

Whoa. ME, give up control?! Okay, cosmic forces, I will make you a deal . . . I will give up control, in you will give me certainty -- cause right now the suspense of not knowing how things will turn out, and what path we should walk, is killing me.

Love a Song / Love Song

For some strange reason a guy friend of mine and I have been on a text tear lately (I don't know what else to call it when you are texting back and forth like 14 year olds, LOL). Today's topic was songs we were listening to on the radio. It was funny to have a guy (and a VERY straight and cute one) tell me how much he likes "Breakaway" from Kelly Clarkson (I am suspecting it might have something to do with his current life circumstances, that the lyrics are hitting home or something).

He'd text "Rusted Root." I'd send back "Coolio." He would fire back "Jewel -- love her." Then I said "Sting -- saw him in concert back in mid-late '90's, gawd I feel old!" He made me feel better by saying The Police debuted his freshman year of college.

Sometimes I fall in or out of love with songs. They might hit close to home and heart on that day, or might just take me back to a time or place in my life. I know that I keep listening to the same songs when I am at the gym, LOL, and probably would be openly mocked for them. I don't care, I know people who have The Wiggles on their Ipods! Or Disney songs (ick, egads, kill me now!)

When I got back to office from my mid-day Victoria's Secret run (needed bra for big event I am going to this Friday), I dialed up Yahoo Music on the computer, and stumbled across a new song I am truly digging. Yahoo Music is good for these -- trying out new stuff, randomly, based on the styles of music and artists you click off when you create "your station." So anyhoo, I am loving, for the past 30 minutes, this song by Leona Lewis called "Bleeding Love." And her lyrics are terrific! Will probably be downloaded onto my Ipod Mini tonite.

Christmas Tag

I so do not have time for this, but I am so stressed out I will take the 5 minutes necessary to respond (plus, maybe it will inject some Christmas Spirit into me?!)

Here goes, passed to me by Kirsten:

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper! I actually love to wrap gifts.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real.

3. When do you put up the tree? Usually about 10 days before Christmas, but not doing it this year -- it's too painful a reminder.

4. When do you take the tree down? If we were putting one up . . . probably a few days into the New Year.

5. Do you like egg nog? I don't even like the sound of it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? The huge t.v. my Daddy gave me when I was 6 years old. It was the beginning of a passionate and long-term love affair that continues to this day and has never let me down.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, a small one. Would like to upgrade in the future.

8. Hardest person to buy for? Myself. I always think the money should be put towards other things.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Anybody, really. I am very good at gift-giving -- the only thing that holds me back is lack of funds to properly spoil those I love and treasure.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Postal, all the way!

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A Bible (that sounds terrible, but I was like 12 or 13 and it was from my Stepmonster's parents, who thought I was some heathen-child because I wasn't Presbyterian and my parents didn't make me attend church -- though, since we're Catholic, it was even more offensive and bizarre).

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Brady Bunch ones -- so bad they're good!

13. Do you still feel the magic? Honey, i AM the magic! (Really.)

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No. Well, unless it's chocolate and I am trying to get it out my house and into someone else's -- let them get fat!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Whatever Dr. J feels like cooking -- he is terrific! Turkey is always something I enjoy.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Colored . . . which is a serious problem in my marriage, since Dr. J grew up in freakin' "House Beautiful" where his mother decorated a tree that looked like a professional staged the damn thing. He resents my second grade art class ornaments, and preference for colored lights. It's an ongoing argument, which threatens the delicate balance of our marriage, and could ultimately break us up. To date, I have gotten us to agree to the following terms: white lights on the outside of the house, and colored lights on my "keepin' it real" Christmas tree inside.

17. Favorite Christmas song? "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" -- damn thing makes me teary each time I hear it, dammit (really).

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? This year we will be going to NYC and Long Island. It should be, um, interesting.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Yes. Wanna guess which one is my favorite?

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Again, this is a marital problem for me. I come from a Xmas Eve family, whereas Dr. J is a Xmas Morning guy. I know he's right . . . but I am so much of a snoop that those last few hours are unbearable for me!!!

21. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Lack of money and lack of Ping-Ping. And my in-laws.

22. Favorite ornament theme or color? Colors: Icy blues and silver . . . just like our wedding colors. Ornaments: This year, a VERY special ornament will be hanging on the trees of the people we love (stay tuned!)

23. Favorite for Christmas dinner? If it could be anything?! Belgian Waffle with powdered sugar & whipped cream, chicken-apple sausage, turkey, scalloped potatoes, grilled asparagus, and chocolate-chip ice cream.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? A time machine.

25. Who is most likely to respond to this? Lori

26. Who is least likely to respond to this? Noah

Culinary Porn

Damn those bastards. If it wasn't bad enough for me to know that they are out there, calling my name, tempting me at every moment, imploring me to come visit, making all sorts of promises about how gooood it will be if I just give in . . . now I find myself having to additionally resist the temptation of staring at their sultry selves online.

That's right -- Dozen has begun posting photos of their new Fall flavors. Sonofabitch.

As if my days weren't already full of distractions, I now have to keep myself from viewing these photos as if they were centerfolds. Because that IS what it feels like -- I am trying to NOT think about them, to keep myself busy, and feed my desire with other things.

But dammit they are calling me!!! I already am obsessed with the decadent innocence of the Vanilla Vanilla . . . and now I am just going crazy over thoughts of the Raspberry Zinger and Chocolate Chip Cookie. (I don't even like coconut all that much I am willing to give the Raspberry Zinger a try & hopefully be surprised).

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Baby, I'm Ready to Roll

I made my Vegas flight reservations this morning.

Okay, so it's a work trip, and it's two months away, but I am strangely excited about going. A few days away in the Land of Outrageousness is always interesting, and I expect nothing less from this trip!

I have only been to Vegas one other time, back in 2002, while moving back from Kal-ee-forn-yah. Stayed there for 4 days, and enjoyed it! What's funny is that I spent maybe a whopping $10 on the slots -- I don't believe in throwing money away (I want SOME sort of return if I am going to do that). But thee people-watching? Oh my, FANTABULOUS (see Hamster, I worked "your word" into this entry!)

Yes, I do love people-watching! It rivals my love of t.v. And since I am told that the t.v. offerings in Vegas hotel rooms purposely suck (to lure you to the casinos downtstairs -- boo!), I guess people-watching will be one of my top hobbies while there.

I will be staying at Treasure Island. WHY? (I know, hardly the hotel that matches my personality -- hey, trust me, if they had a Hotel Helix in Vegas I'd stay there -- wait, WHY don't they have a Hotel Helix there?!)

Anyhoo, back to the "why" . . . it's a three-fold reason: (1) it's on the list of hotels for the conference I will be attending and across the street from the hotel the sessions will be held in; (2) NOBODY else from my organization is planning on staying there (please, leave me ALONE when I go back to my room -- do NOT call my room or cell once I have hit the sheets, thank you!); and (3) it's supposed to have some of the best beds in Vegas.

Yeah, yeah, I know, "it's Vegas -- why do you care about the beds?!" GUESS WHAT -- I DO CARE!!! I need comfort, I need style, I need some place to replenish, refresh, and escape at the end of a chaotic conference day. And I have learned the hard way that a sturdy bed and comfy mattress can make or break the experience.

So stay tuned for my review of the Trasure Island experience. Hmmm, the Hotel Helix had leopard print bathrobes in each guest room . . . I wonder if Treasure Island will have some pirate wench getup hanging in the closet? Yeah, right. I think that might be better left to mental fantasy, eh?!