Surviving the Holidays -- Part Three (Monday/Christmas Eve)

Monday started off okay enough. A little bit of melancholy for me this morning, but tried to get re-focused by thinking about the pending yumminess of a few slices from Renzo's. And oh my, was the 18-month wait of that deliciousness ever worth it! Ahhhhhh! So, our Pizza ranking list looks something like this:

1. Renzo's (Port Jefferson, Long Island)
2. Mineo's (Squirrel Hill, PA)
3. Di Pietro's (West View, PA)
4. Sir Pizza (Ross, PA)

After we were sated, we drove around Port Jefferson to take photos of all of the places important to Dr. J's childhood memories . . . the idea was for us to have a photo record that we could share with Ping-Ping someday. We took photos of his favorite beaches, the houses he loved in, the Village shops, his high school, the ferry & pier, and of course Renzo's. I know I got some terrific shots of the beach terrain, which I am hoping will show up well enough in black & white that I can have one printed for inclusion in my proudly growing dining room gallery of black & white photos.

We then did a quick swing by the house which Dr. J's father and stepmother recently moved to. Hmmm. A lot of strangeness here, and things just not making sense. We speculated privately, so I will refrain from posting any thoughts about this in my blog.

We were then expected at the home of Dr. J's brother, sister-in-law, and our two young nephews. The boys were great, and the visit was going well. We then accompanied them to dinner at the home of the sister-in-law's parents. We were having a lovely visit there, too, and then out of freaking nowhere, post-dinner, my sister-in-law decided to be a MASSIVE BITCH and give us all sorts of completely undeserved grief about shit which she knows nothing about. On top of all this, she KNEW what a sucky day Xmas Eve and Xmas Day were going to be for us, and STILL she persisted. I tried to hold out as long as I could, but yep, there they were, the big tears! That bitch drove me to tears for a good 20 minutes. But of course, she knew it was for our own good WTF?! Go drink some more chardonnay and pop some more food in your chubby mouth, bitch!!!

Thank God for my Hamster texting me as we drove back to the hotel, or I don't think I'd have survived. Seriously, I turned the corner when Hamster texted "I want to come up and slap her for you!"

So, in a move that surprised even myself, I refused to go back to the sister-in-law's house this morning for breakfast. Phuck her. This is MY DAY to be selfish. She doesn't deserve my tears, my rage, my anger, my grief. I made Dr. J go, though, so he could spend time with our nephews. Later on I will join him for Christmas dinner at his Dad's.

I didn't want to let this day be ruined by what happened last night, so I tried to do something positive and proactive by focusing on the adoption. Thus I spent my alone time this morning surfing the 'net, learning more about the other adoption path we have decided to begin pursuing, which is adopting locally, of perhaps a black or mixed-race child. I am learning alot, and even came across an article that made me feel better about my Chinatown Meltdown the day prior.

I don't know what is going to happen with the Long Island Looney Toons, today or in the future, but I have been figuring out that opening our hearts to children who exist right now and who need us, as much as we need them, will give us the healing and push we need to let some of this background noise bullshit start to mute. So I am now reading profiles of "waiting kids" in earnest, trying to imagine our lives with them, and theirs with us.

All I want for Christmas . . . is to take a half-dozen of them home. Now.

Surviving the Holidays -- Part Two (Sunday)

Last night I got thee best night's sleep that I have in a loooonnng time. I slept so soundly, like a rock. So much that I am actually looking forward to sleeping in this hotel room for 3 more nights.

Just before lunchtime we then boarded the Long Island Railroad for the trip in to NYC. A fairly uneventful trip until near the end. The train was crowded, and there was a group of family members standing up just behind us. About 30 minutes later I heard the 20-something daughter remark to her Dad, "are you okay? You don't look good." I hafta say, at that moment I just knew how this was gonna turn out. Really. Fast forward to the 50-something Dad passing out. Dr. J springs into action, moving people out of their seats and laying the guy down, trying to get him to come around. He does, but then passes out again. The daughter starts freaking out. The car conductor was notified to have police or EMS ready to meet us at the platform (we were coming up on the last stop, Penn Station). As the guy came to he began throwing up. Dr. J later tells me he is worried because the dude's pulse is pretty weak, though his respiration was okay. Dr. J and the guy's brother get him off the train (the rest of the passengers were amazingly good and helpful and well-behaved), and onto the platform. The cool air brings the guy around a bit. But he is very confused and a bit combative doesn't want to sit down. Then he starts to get woozy again. Dr. J gets him to sit just as he passes out a third time. There are now 4 of New York's Finest standing there, and the guy's daughter (a nurse) is LOUDLY freaking out. The guy has no known medical problems, is not taking any medication, not diabetic, had eaten within past few hours, was in excellent shape, etc. For those who are counting, the dude passed out a total of 4 times! And when he finally came around the final time and started to become more lucid he was STUNNED to learn he has been passing out repeatedly. By this time a wheelchair is produced and the police will escort him to the ambulance for transport to hospital. The wife and brother are profusely thanking My Man for being there. and stepping in. I, of course, am incredibly proud, and remembering that his student loan payment is due on January 2nd, hee hee!

Dr. J would tell me later that he was most worried that the man was having a stroke, because he was sweating so profusely and he wasn't fully passing out, and "it just didn't look normal." But the best line came as we were walking away and he said to me, "This is the FOURTH TIME in four months someone has passed out in my presence -- WHAT THE PHUCK?!?!"

We then went to Lombardi's for lunch. Then strolled around Chinatown, where I got nervous thinking about how I sometimes feel woefully unprepared to travel to a foreign country where everything is unfamiliar to pick up our daughter someday. Like many now-adults who grew up in very chaotic divorced-parent-shuffle households, I am the typical chameleon who is used to having to quickly adapt in order to survive instability. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't freak us out, as it does me. I like predictability, security, stability, and the familiar. I get nervous when things are not executed as planned, and new stuff can sometimes freak me out. Spontaneity and surprises can induce a near panic attack in me. Really. Add on top of this the fact that sometimes, no how much I read, no matter whom I talk to, no matter how many lectures I attend, I worry that I may not be able to do a good enough job raising a little girl who doesn't fit in, racially, with the community around her. Love is not always enough.

Dr. J saw me starting to "ice skate" and pulled me into a Starbucks to re-group. Sigh. He is such an emotional saint. He never gets exasperated with my anxieties, or tears. Thank God. And he knew that it wasn't just the adoption that had me freaking out a bit, it was also "the reason why we couldn't be home for Christmas this year."

We then decided to dip our way back into Chinatown, and I did okay this time. And then we were able to hop back on the subway and head down to 42 Street. And then the second adventure of the day happened . . . I looked down at my hiking boot and realized that the rubber sole of it was cracked and ripping away from my shoe! Water (it was raining most of the day) had gotten half of my sock wet by this point, too. So we then had to hustle down to 34th Street to a Payless so I could buy SOMETHING to put on my feet, lol. Cue the purchase of a cheap, ugly pair of black athletic shoes, LOL!!!

We walked around a bit longer, and then headed to Penn Station to catch the train back to our hotel. And then Fate stepped in. Now, there are something like 8 million people in NYC, right?! And it's the holidays, not to mention the last full shopping day before Christmas, right?! But there we were, looking at the boards to see which track we needed to go to when I said to Dr. J, "ohmigawd, look over there!" And there they were -- the family of the man he helped out on the train earlier in the day! WHAT ARE THE FREAKIN' CHANCES OF THAT HAPPENING???!!! Dr. J went over, they started thanking him profusely again, and reported that he had been admitted to the hospital overnight, but was doing okay, and they were heading home. Dr. J was glad that the hospital had taken this precaution, and it was a nice feeling of closure to see the family again under less stressful circumstances.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York!

LOG IN DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, OMG, OMG!

I just checked the Holt web site and they, finally having received word from China, have posted the news of those dossiers that have been "logged in" with China . . . AND OURS IS ONE OF THEM!!!

Our "DTC" (Dossier to China) date is 11-02-07. Our "LOG IN DATE" (LID) is 11-14-07. THAT IS FANTASTIC NEWS!!!

Now, it doesn't mean that things are going to suddenly move any faster BUT . . . it does mean that Chinese Government has acknowledged receipt of our dossier, which is a big relief!!!

Pregnant women have strange dreams about stuff going wrong with their pregnancy, getting lost on the way to the hospital, giving birth to a three-headed monster, yadda yadda . . . adoptive parents have nightmares about their paperwork getting lost or misdelivered by FedEx, LOL! Seriously, several months ago a FedEx delivery vehicle in the mid-west was in a major accident and burst into flames, thereby destroying all packages in it's possession in the process. I almost had a heart attack fretting over the "what if our documents were in THAT van?!" thought until I realized that we had put our stuff in the mail a few days prior AND had paid for two-day expedited air shipping, which effectively nulled most of my worry. Most of it, though not all, LOL! (I gotta be me, after all!)

Anyhoo, this fantastically good news brought tears to my eyes and an excited text message to Dr. J.

Good Lord, after my meltdown last night we really needed this good news, eh hon?!?!

National Adoption Day

Saturday was National Adoption Day. I wish I had known about it ahead of time, so we could have done something more active to celebrate or mark the important occasion.

Here is some local press coverage, as well as link to additional information on the history of it.

It gets me so friggin' mad sometimes when people hear that we are adopting and immediately jump to "Well have you tried this _____?" (fill in the blank yourself, 'cause trust me, WE have heard EVERY suggestion under the Sun -- some so ignorant it would make a Buddhist monk lose their temper!)

It astounds folks to learn that "NO, we haven't tried ____" and we are NOT interested in trying "______". Really. It's the truth! We feel called to adopt, and have all along.

I recently had someone say to me "I'm sorry you have to go this route to become a parent." WTF?! I am sorry that we have had so much tears and grief and physical pain, but I am PROUD AS PHUCKING HELL that we are adopting -- that we are doing something moral and good and right . . . something that will be worth "all the tea in China," as they say. I am proud that we are trailblazers amongst our family and friends. I am even proud that people will be uncomfortable as we laugh and giggle in the park someday, as a transracial family ('cause there IS more to come, folks -- hullo, Brangelina!)

I wish people could get it out of their heads that adoption is somehow "second best," or a backup plan. It's so not. We always planned on adopting, and talked about it long before we ever began trying to expand our family (another thing that sets me off, the whole "when you have a family of your own someday" dismissive throwaway line -- PHUCK YOU assholes of the world, WE ARE ALREADY A FAMILY -- just one without living children at present!!!)

The only reason we pursued "trying" the old-fashioned way is because it's cheaper and lacks the whole judgmental quality of pursuing an adoption. THAT IS IT!!! I find it so amazingly selfish that people express a desire to have a biological child because they want said Fantasy Child to have their "wife's eyes" or their "husband's math skills" or whatever other dreamland bullshit they toss around. Even further nerve-grating is when these jerks are often the very same people who claim to be part of the "Go Green" movement, are anti-war at all costs, believe in a One World global vision, and chide Dr. J and I for having politically conservative views. You'd think these would be the very people who EMBRACE adoption, for a variety of obvious reasons. But nope, there they go, taking pity on us for adopting, insulting us purposefully and unconsciously, and failing to "walk the walk." Drives us insane, I tell you. I know, I am hardly known for holding back . . . but believe me when I tell you just how much I hafta hold back when someone makes yet another stupid remark.

So Viva National Adoption Day! Can't wait to be a part of it!!!

And to those of you who have been amazingly supportive of "Plan A" from the start . . . THANK YOU! You will rewarded, though not as much we ;o)

Setting Sail!!!

We just the phone call from Masha, AND the following e-mail . . .

Dear J and J,

I received your authenticated dossier today. It looks good. So I will ship your dossier to China on Friday, November 2,2007. Congratulations!

I wanted to thank you for your hard work on your dossier and your patience. I appreciated it!

Best regards,

Masha

OMG!!! What a series of emotions we are having right now!!! Soooo excited, so happy, so stunned . . . THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!!!

Now, folks, we still have quite the wait ahead of us . . . but SHE IS COMING!

Who Knew?

Let me start by saying this: There is a dizzying array of space heaters on the market.

I had no idea.

What prompted this discovery was my obsessive desire to ward off any huge, high gas bills this winter. Look, I am a first-time homeowner and first-time homedweller (since BIRTH, people!). All of this is new, and often scary to me. Really. I do NOT love being a homeowner. I know, I know, I am supposed to be giggly happy about how wonderful and exciting it is to own and fix-up and decorate a home.

I hate it.

I miss the simplicity of an apartment. I miss not having these types of choices. I miss having rather fixed costs each month, and not having to speculate in terror what my gas bill will be, WTF I will do if something breaks, and I still have solved our lawn care problem (to buy or not to buy the lawnmower -- dammit, can't I just get a hot guy to come cut the lawn every 3 weeks?! Can I not have ONE "Desperate Housewife" moment?!?!)

Our house is half-decorated, half-painted, sorta-styled, and no where near how we want it to be -- if only we had (1) the money, (2) the know-how, (3) the time.

Back to the space heater. So electricity is waaaaayyyy cheaper in this region than cranking the gas high enough to heat the house. Yes, it's on a minimum level. Yes, I know about closing off rooms that we don't use, shutting vents, wearing slippers & six layers of clothing. We already have a dual-control heated mattress pad (and my gawd, that thing is dee-vine, lemme tell ya!)

So we decided to get a space heater for our bedroom, just to run for a few minutes at night, or while we sleep. And possibly to bring into the living room. We spend an average of 3 waking hours in the house on a weekday. There are like 6 gazillion models of space heaters out there. Really. We went to four stores to compare, and this is after Dr. J researched the whole thing online.

I already knew about getting one with the auto-shutoff if it tips over. But now I also know to get one with the infared beam that shuts it off if it becomes obstructed (by a fallen blanket, a child's toy, etc.) I also now know that a quartz heater is designed to heat objects, that there are varying degrees of "quietness," you can buy a sleek space heater that can be wall-mounted (looks like a flat screen t.v.), and they even make space heaters with REMOTE CONTROLS. Really -- no shit, they sell ones with remote controls! ("Oooh, snap!")

It was at the fourth store, as we stared at the numerous options on the shelves, that I remarked to Dr. J, "It took us less time to select a country from which to import a baby."

And folks, that IS the freakin' truth.

Paperchase Progress, and A Thought?!

Got some great news about an hour ago . . . .

Hi J. and J.,

I received your certified dossier from Pennsylvania
Secretary of State today, and will send it to New York
Chinese Consulate for authentication today.

Thanks,

Masha

Masha is the Chinese lady who works at Holt that handles our dossier paperwork (by the way, she costs extra -- as she provides a "document processing service," which means nothing to those of you who have never adopted internationally, but is something we considered to be important enough to pay extra for).

Anyhoo, we were THRILLED to get this note from Masha today! As soon as the Chinese Consultate in New York "authenticates" our dossier . . . it's sent off to China to be stamped with a "Log-In Date," which is SO HUGE!!!

We can't thank enough all of our friends and family who have been with us throughout ALL of our bullshit to get to this point. Seriously, I know I crack a lot of jokes, BUT, we continue to need everybody's support, understanding, humor, prayers, friendship, and love.

I know the payoff is out there, even if it feels a loooonnnnggg way off . . . which is why blogs like this one really keep me afloat (especially when I feel as if I will give up this endless treading of water and drown):

Waiting for Sophie

I challenge anyone to scroll down these photos and NOT fall in love with this little girl!!! Clearly, she is a bright shiny penny to all who come in contact with her (and has a Mom who knows how to find some damn stylish clothes for her little girl!)

I had shared this with Dr. J today, and we wound up having the following IM conversation:

Ms. J: did you see the China blog I sent you about that little girl Sophie? She is gorgeous!
Dr. J.: I looked at it real quick, very pretty girl.
Ms. J: I looked back at the first photos of her, when they first got her, and the change is dramatic
Ms. J: CLEARLY, these people have a few bucks to throw around. The mom was rather hot, too
Dr. J: milf?
Ms. J: DEFINTIELY
Dr. J: just like you will be
Ms. J: Maybe i should have called our adoption bog "but i wanna be a MILF?
Dr. J: Nice!

Less Second-Guessing, More Rainbows

I am lucky to have some very good friends who are in all different sorts of life stages, and each of them, in some unique way, has significantly contributed to keeping me sane, especially during the past several years "Fertility Field Trip" (Lori gets credit for that tag, lol).

Not one of them has found herself walking (okay, creeping) down the same path as mine, even among the parents in my posse. Which is probably why there are several blogs I regularly visit on the internet to glimpse, if you will, at the possible forks in the road I could take if I wanted to.

I say could take, because Dr. J and I made a choice, way back before we even started trying to expand our twosome, to not pursue assisted fertility techniques, should it come to it. And despite all of the medical and genetic work-up, and the incredibly crushing heartbreak we have had, we have stuck to this decision. My close friends have been amazingly supportive of this, which I have to say, has been a pleasant surprise! I know plenty of adoptive parents who get shit from their friends and/or families about why they aren't doing this, that, or the other. For our families, I'd say about 90% have been supportive our of our choice.

But as much as this helps, I wish I had a close friend who has walked this loooonnnng road we find ourselves going down (the "Path to Ping-Ping") and could both advise and commiserate with me. "Just adopt!", people will say, as if it's the simpliest thing in the world. Adoption is NOT the easy choice. It's the hard one. It's the long one. And I gotta tell ya, sometimes it's tempting, such as on those days when I am in tears over "the Paperchase" to say "Phuck it, let's go to the R.E. and get this over with." Cause I know it would work. WE know it already. (By the way, thank you Posse, for keeping my eyes on the prize -- esp. Lori, for that one time in particular when I could barely squeak out the words and tell you what was wrong!!!)

Which brings me back to the blogs I read. One woman in particular, Jamie, has been so honest and good about chronicling her every step in her quest to get pregnant. And yet she has had nothing but bad luck and even no luck for 3+ years. And now she is questioning whether she has spent her money wisely, and is wondering if she shouldn't have just pursued adoption from the start, instead of driving herself crazy with all of the doctors appointments, drugs, and procedures.

And while my heart aches for Jamie and her husband, I'd be lying if I didn't find myself, and the choice we have made, being affirmed by her lack of success. I know that if or when Jamie decides she has had enough and instead pursues an international adoption, she will face years of frustration and challenges, though of a different kind. But she will get a rainbow at the end of so many rainy days.

Just like we will.

And it's moments like that, which I try to grasp and hold onto tightly, reminding myself that THIS is a perfect example (even at someone's else expense) of why we chose what we chose. And why we keep running towards The Goal.

TGIF and TGICIS

Today was my first day back to work since our CA-vacay.

Ugh. Rough. Nothing like starting off the morning with a 7:45 a.m. doctor appointment to jolt you from Left Coast to East Coast time, eh?! But I needed to see the doctor so I am not really bitching. Actually, the whole reason was pretty phucking funny, but it's way too personal to post here, even for me.

I had monitored my work e-mails while I was away, so nothing too earth-shattering there to greet me. My boss was out the entire day, which I didn't know ahead of time, but hey it was nice to have fewer interruptions. I had told everyone I would actually be MIA until next Monday, which is a good strategy I think -- it lets me sneak back into the office and catch up without the million phone calls.

Dr. J & I had a double-date this evening with Eddie & Diane. They were treating us to dinner and a Pirate Game, which included fireworks. Hey, we're in!

I got home from work about 20 minutes earlier than Dr. J, and grabbed the day's mail.

And there it was.

The letter we have been sweating and fretting over for so long. A piece of paper we have put lots of time, money, blood (literally), sweat, and tears (mine) into receiving -- or maybe "achieving" is a more accurate description.

A single sheet of paper.

The irony later hit me that earlier this year I saw two lines and began to cry hard with big tears of joy.

This time, I saw two boxes checked and I cried. And it surprised me that I cried just as hard, and with just as much joy.

We received our Form I-171H, which means our I-600A was finally approved by CIS!!!

It's hard to explain to people just what that means.

But to us, it means the world is not flat after all. And our ship is going to sail, instead of remaining docked.

It means tonight, there is hope.