Less Second-Guessing, More Rainbows

I am lucky to have some very good friends who are in all different sorts of life stages, and each of them, in some unique way, has significantly contributed to keeping me sane, especially during the past several years "Fertility Field Trip" (Lori gets credit for that tag, lol).

Not one of them has found herself walking (okay, creeping) down the same path as mine, even among the parents in my posse. Which is probably why there are several blogs I regularly visit on the internet to glimpse, if you will, at the possible forks in the road I could take if I wanted to.

I say could take, because Dr. J and I made a choice, way back before we even started trying to expand our twosome, to not pursue assisted fertility techniques, should it come to it. And despite all of the medical and genetic work-up, and the incredibly crushing heartbreak we have had, we have stuck to this decision. My close friends have been amazingly supportive of this, which I have to say, has been a pleasant surprise! I know plenty of adoptive parents who get shit from their friends and/or families about why they aren't doing this, that, or the other. For our families, I'd say about 90% have been supportive our of our choice.

But as much as this helps, I wish I had a close friend who has walked this loooonnnng road we find ourselves going down (the "Path to Ping-Ping") and could both advise and commiserate with me. "Just adopt!", people will say, as if it's the simpliest thing in the world. Adoption is NOT the easy choice. It's the hard one. It's the long one. And I gotta tell ya, sometimes it's tempting, such as on those days when I am in tears over "the Paperchase" to say "Phuck it, let's go to the R.E. and get this over with." Cause I know it would work. WE know it already. (By the way, thank you Posse, for keeping my eyes on the prize -- esp. Lori, for that one time in particular when I could barely squeak out the words and tell you what was wrong!!!)

Which brings me back to the blogs I read. One woman in particular, Jamie, has been so honest and good about chronicling her every step in her quest to get pregnant. And yet she has had nothing but bad luck and even no luck for 3+ years. And now she is questioning whether she has spent her money wisely, and is wondering if she shouldn't have just pursued adoption from the start, instead of driving herself crazy with all of the doctors appointments, drugs, and procedures.

And while my heart aches for Jamie and her husband, I'd be lying if I didn't find myself, and the choice we have made, being affirmed by her lack of success. I know that if or when Jamie decides she has had enough and instead pursues an international adoption, she will face years of frustration and challenges, though of a different kind. But she will get a rainbow at the end of so many rainy days.

Just like we will.

And it's moments like that, which I try to grasp and hold onto tightly, reminding myself that THIS is a perfect example (even at someone's else expense) of why we chose what we chose. And why we keep running towards The Goal.