Shifting My Mental State

This week has been a roller coast of emotions. I would classify it as the 4th-worst week of my life. Thanks to all of my insane friends for their attempts to lift me up, yet again. I love yinz, big time.

So here's my attempt to distract myself . . . let's react to the latest article by one of my new-favorite columnists, "SexPert" Dr. Yvonne Fulbright:

10 ISSUES AFFECTING HER ABILITY TO ORGASM

Some thoughts worth sharing:

• Yes, ladies of the world, DO get to know your body. Granted, I think as I have gotten older, and more comfortable with myself and sex in general, I am better at helping things along with such helpful articulations as "a little to the left," "faster," "lighter," "no wait, harder," "yes, right there," and the crowning moment phrase of "don't stop!" I honestly think that the age/maturity factor of women has a lot to do with this. Most men I have discussed it with agree that older women are far better in bed than some young chickie. Young Chickie (and by this I mean 18-24) may be cute and have a tight ass, but like I said, most guys have told me that a woman who falls in the 30-45 category will actually be far friskier and more exciting in the sack, because she knows herself, and is more likely to give a man directions. And as we all know, men never stop to ask , hee-hee!

• Women DO get stuck in their own head -- we are thinking about big things (bills, work projects, etc.) and little (the laundry, errands, that the ceiling fan needs to be dusted). This is why "transition time" (a.k.a. FOREPLAY) is so important. MEN OF THE WORLD -- your woman HAS let you know what her "transition" is -- it may be more kissing, a margarita, a massage, having her feet rubbed, possibly all of these! So LISTEN next time, and don't just phucking phone it in! I can't tell you how many times I have had a friend say "I love kissing, and he knows it. But he thinks if we kiss for 2 minutes that BAM it's enough and time for him to get laid." [NOTE: This is NOT a rip on men post, everyone knows I am MUCH tougher on women than men!!!]

• Damn straight, intercourse is NOT enough to turn a woman on, or make her "O". Men, listen, we love your passion, and your enthusiasm, but somewhere along the way you were sold a bill of goods if you think rocking away like a jackhammer is making us "O". Um, really, it's not. It may very well be exciting and feel great (even to us), but we women are built different. And it feels different. God gave you hands, and a mouth. And he gave us all sorts of delicious body parts for you to explore with your hands and mouth. Try a new place once in a while, and see what happens! [And by the way, your mouth includes your voice -- women flourish with compliments telling them how hot you find them, how good they are making you feel, etc.]

• Finally, a note scolding women . . . I have talked to plenty of men over the years, and some of them have valid complaints when it comes to their partner. Lack of enthusiasm, direction, encouragement, and self-maintenance are huge turnoffs for men. Men are not such difficult creatures, if you care and feed them properly. So ladies, give 'em a little bit of energy, a bit of dirty talk, and throw in some freaky thoughts once in a while, and you will likely have a happy camper.

Okay, stepping down from my Rant Box. Next!