I Heart Being Touched

Last Saturday I had a divine massage from that young buck, Howard.

This week I had another one, by another young guy, named Jamie. I was the recipient of Jamie's magic touch at a chic spa in my city.

Normally I would not indulge in a masage at someplace so upscale, of course. But this was a gift, courtesy of a friend who is very dear to me. It was given to me, no strings attached, on a day when I was at a very low moment (really, the lowness factor was bottoming out). I was so surprised when I received the gift card for it (okay, blown away is more like it). And even more touched by the thoughtfulness. I was, like, speechless (which, if you know me, is kind of an impossible situation to imagine -- but trust me, I was). I will never forget that moment . . . like someone had tossed me a life preserver as I was drowning, and said "hey, I see you out there in the ocean, hold on!"

Yesterday afternoon, in between attending the a.m. & p.m. church services with my brother for his RCIA process into the Catholic Church (I am his Sponsor), I hustled to have my much anticipated massage. Jamie was young, sweet, and specialized in deep tissue massage. Perfect. He even turned on the steam machine and aimed it towards my back as he worked on other parts of my body -- the warm, moist heat felt amazing (oh crap, this sounds like total porn right now, LOL). After he was done kneading my legs he took a large, hot, wet washcloth and pressed it into my back, while applying firm pressure onto the knots he found. I would have groaned out loud (in pleasure) if I weren't afraid of being judged a perv, hee hee!

I was so relaxed by the end of the hour I wished I had the money to book the room for the rest of the afternoon, just to nap. It would have been divine if I could have just layed there for a while longer, all Zen-ed out, and slipped off into DreamLand. My body felt like it was in a mediatative trance. I hated to leave this "Den of Zen," but finally mustered up the energy to get dressed (boo!) and go home. The good feeling lasted though, and I managed to sleep better last night than I have in weeks.

If only I could somehow end every day with a massage . . . . Mmmmmm!

I Heart Howard

There's a new man in my life. His name is "Howard," and I heart him (ya know, like one of those t-shirts with the big red heart instead of the word "love"?!)

Let me explain.

About two weeks ago I saw an ad in a local community magazine advertising that a local technical school was offering massages, performed by their massage students-in-training, at a discounted rate. Well, I know how useful an experience this is for the students, as Dr. J's school had a student-clinic (under the watchful supervision of the professor-doctors), and the students get sooooo much out of it. Add into this that the massages were being offered at a steeply discounted rate and I was jazzed about the opportunity!

And yesterday was my appointment. I was assigned to Howard. He was about 23 years old, dark curly hair, warm personality, cute, and . . . had . . . great . . . hands. Ahhhhhhhhh! Seriously, in a non-sexual way, he made me a VERY happy woman!

When I got in the car to drive home I checked out my face in the mirror, and DAMN, if I didn't have thee most sated, fulfilled, blissful expression on it ;o)

Immediately afterwards, I booked another appointment with Howard for two weeks from now.

I HEART HOWARD!!!!!!!!!!!

Horoscope

Okay so I am not obsessed with astrology or anything like that. But I do find it fun and entertaining from time to time. And occasionally it is RIGHT on the mark. In general, I find it spooky how much I match up with the typical Scorpio traits.

This morning I logged into my Yahoo account and took the time to read today's daily forecast. In light of multiple issues I am dealing with in my personal life, I was kinda blown away by what my horoscope said:

Your practical side has had too much control over your decision making

lately, and it's time for you to stop deliberating every single decision in such

an analytic way. Life requires some leaps of faith, some risk-taking, and a

little bit of luck if it's going to stay interesting. Try let go. Try not to control

every single element of your day today. Let other people make some decisions,

and trust that everything will still be okay -- because it will. You're taking on

too much responsibility. It's time to step back.

Whoa. ME, give up control?! Okay, cosmic forces, I will make you a deal . . . I will give up control, in you will give me certainty -- cause right now the suspense of not knowing how things will turn out, and what path we should walk, is killing me.

Monday Musings

Several little items I want to comment on . . . .

First, I am pleased to report that I spent an hour on the treadmill this evening and NO panic attack, yeah!!!!!!!! Still am on the lookout for more symptoms, and wouldn't be surprised if another occurs, but I am glad that I was able to exercise again, free of this problem :o)

Second, damn you Victoria's Secret! MUST you insist on torturing me with your pretty little things?! The latest commercial for the BioFit Bra had me hauling to the mall in the midst of Saturday's snowstorm. I just had to try it on. A very good quality, smartly designed, everyday bra. Well done! I didn't buy it, and was okay with not having the funds to do so. Much more difficult to resist were several new panties I saw hanging up . . . (sniff, sniff, pout, LOTS of pouting) . . . they're just sooooo cute and make me feel like a princess in them! It got so bad I had to text the BFF (Ms. Lori) and complain about how unfair life is. She agreed, of course, but reminded me that I must not give in. (Pouting again!)

Third, went to church on Sunday with my little brother, as his Sponsor for RCIA (he is converting to Catholicism). My Dad showed up, which surprised me (figured he'd be working or sleeping). It was nice to spend time with both of them. My brother is taking this waaaaaaay seriously, so much that it is kinda creeping the family out. I shall write about this in a future posting -- the "Spreadsheet of Sin" is worth a few giggles, I assure you ;o)

Okay, time to pack it in and go nite-nite.

Panic

It kinda crept up on me.

I was at the gym, getting in my usual Friday post-workday exercise on the treadmill. I normally do about an hour of cardio. About 15 minutes into it, I suddenly noticed that I was breathing really hard. I was surprised, since it was still early in the workout.

I looked down at the control panel and saw that I wasn't working out hard at all, I was actually taking it easy. But by this point I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest! WTF?! Then I recognized what was happening to me . . . I . . . was . . . having . . . a . . . PANIC ATTACK.

OMG.

When is the last time I had one of these?! Maybe a decade ago, while studying for some exam in college or grad school?! My pulse was racing, it hurt to take a deep breath, and I could feel the beginnings of hyper-ventilation.

I then started to piece together all the things that had happened that day which had lead to this moment. I had managed to keep a positive attitude throughout all of the things that had brought me down during the workday, as well as post-workday. I had acknowledged the things that had bothered me, annoyed me, upset me, even hurt me. I then in turn had shrugged off all of these, and dismissed them, if you will. Still, my body wasn't done dealing with it. Cue the panic attack!

I slowed down the treadmill even more, until it was at a snail's pace. I tried to outlast the panic attack. But once the counter on the treadmill hit 30 minutes (and the symptoms had been around a good 7 minutes at this point), I decided to retreat to the locker room for some more pronounced deep, slow breaths. I called Dr. J, who of course wanted to come pick me up at the gym and drive me home (we only live 1.5 miles away). No matter how sweet his offer was, and how genuine the concern in his voice, I knew I had to be a Big Girl and get myself home.

And I did. My chest was still hurting, but not as bad. I tried my best to rationalize what had lead up to the panic attack, which made me remember other irritations during the work day that I hadn't even considered up until that moment. GEEZ, it was NO WONDER why my psyche had suddenly crashed!

A hot shower (and a few more tears) helped relieve 80% of the panic attack. As anyone who had ever had a panic attack knows, the symptoms completely alleviate at their own friggin' speed. You can't wish them away once it starts . . . like a large farm animal in the middle of a country road, they move along when THEY want to, not at your command (grrrrr!)

Moo.

Apple Bottom Booty?

We have a rather sassy receptionist at my office. She is in her early 60's (looks mid-40's), black, and a bit of a smart ass.

She and I both are fans of the Steve Harvey morning show (radio), and enjoy hip hop music.

For some reason (I don't know why), we were discussing the song "Lo" this afternoon. Most people know "Lo" by it's tag line of "Shawty had those Apple Bottom Jeans . . . . " It's a fun, catchy tune.

The receptionist has long bemoaned that she has a flat behind (puh-lease, I know plenty of women who'd love to trade). Well, in light of this song, out of nowhere she says to me "You have a sistah's bum. I have a white woman's bum." I cracked up.

She's right, though.

I told her this must be why black men love me (and I appreciate their appreciation, hee hee).

Testosterone Weekend -- the journey continues

We saw "Vantage Point" last night at the movies. It . . . was . . . freakin' . . . AWESOME! Totally our kind of movie, and fit nicely into this weekend's entertainment theme. I can't wait to tell my Dad about this one. He'd love it, too. Dr. J and I enjoyed how they kept re-telling the same 25 minute time frame in which the plot occurs, over and over, from the perspective of different characters. Each added a different piece to the puzzle, which culminated nicely into some "ah ha!" moments.

I'd give it a B+/A- rating.

Afterwards, we came home and watched MORE "24". Hee-hee!

Testosterone Weekend

My plan was to have a nice looooong workout at the gym last night, but the roads were pretty bad (snow would not stop) and since our town does not seem to ever bring out the plow or salt, I was concerned that if I stopped at the gym first, the side streets to our house would be impassable. Hence, I just went home (sliding along the way, thank you very much).


Dr. J and I are in "Cocoon Phase," as my beloved cousin Sandi calls it -- meaning we are kinda shutting ourselves off to outside influences, and trying to just be close to one another, and put our collective couplehood back on track.


Since his last two patients cancelled (snow fears), I told Dr. J to stop at the video store on the way home and pick up some stuff for us to watch. He brought home a couple DVD's with "24" episodes we have missed (we have been meaning to catch up before the new season starts).

So we happily settled in with Jack Bauer last night. There's nothing that we love more than t.v. or movies that have the government/military/terrorist-hunting/ass-kicking theme to it! And Jack Bauer is quite the bad ass. Of course, we also worship the characters Jason Bourne (movies) and Mitch Rapp (fiction by Vince Flynn), too. Sometimes we speculate WHO would prevail amongst these three manly men, depending upon the type of mission.



Last night we watched 2 hours of Jack Bauer. We have 6 more hours left, I think (and then more DVD's to rent to keep catching up). And tonight we are going to see "Vantage Point," a movie we have been looking forward to. We also have free movie passes, courtesy of a Christmas gift card from my mom.

LET THE ASS-KICKING COMMENCE!!!!!!!!

My Guy Turns . . . . (hee hee, I won't say!)

Today is my guy's birthday! Yep, XX years ago he was born at a whopping 1.5 pounds. He was im the hospital for months until he was big enough to come home. Sadly, his twin sister Allison didn't make it.

Dr. J is called "the miracle baby" by his Nan (who is still adorable at 95 years of age). She tears up every time she brings up how "he was so small I could hold him in the palm of my hand." Well, he's a tall guy now, thank goodness!

For his birthday present I decided on concert tickets. He had such a good time when I got them for him last year (he took my BFF's boyfriend, now fiance, where they did major bonding). For the life of me I could not remember which band they saw, but oh well.

So I purchased Dr. J . . . RUSH tickets! His favorite band, and I splurged on the non-lawn seats (Dr. J does not do lawn seats, lol). He opened them this evening, and excitedly said "WOW, awesome, I get to go see RUSH again this summer!"

Then it hit me -- I got my husband the same damn gift two birthdays in a row. WTF?! I am a gawddamn idiot. LMAO!

I am trying to figure out if I could not remember he saw RUSH last summer because I was: (A) in too much of a grief-stricken fog to store details like that in my mind, or (B) I couldn't recall this info earlier in week because I am too stressed out now to think straight?!

I AM A BAAAAAD WIFE!!!! LOL, he loved the gift, but damn I feel stoo-pid!

LOVE YA, COOKIE!

20 Things -- Check off Snow Weekend (Kimbolton)

(yes, I know we are checking things off at a rate of faster than one a month -- I don't care . . . we have our reasons)

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This was the weekend we had been waiting for . . . our weekend with "The Cousins." We were going away to Ohio with all of my awesome second cousins (okay, and my Mom & Stepfather -- NOTE: my Mom only grated my nerves on Friday night, though I did briefly consider strangling her) for some fun in the snow, a bunch of silly games, and of course, the booze. Yes, the blessed booze, with thee funniest & happiest drunks you have ever met. We were psyched!

The roads were a bit dicey en route, and the snow didn't help. Still, we made decent time and arrived safely. So imagine our surprise when Dr. J went outside on Saturday morning and saw that our car had a flat tire. Gawd dammit! Like I need this NOW?! Like my phuckin' WALLET needs this now?! But first, we had to get the damn tire off of the damn car -- which proved difficult. Five grown men worked on this tire for 30 minutes, and it was still stuck. Finally, Cousin Bob (the second tallest, at 6' 5'' -- his son Nick is taller at 6' 7'') kicked the thing so hard in frustration it finally came loose. The men were triumphiant, like they had reeled in a giant fish or bagged a 10-point buck on the first day of hunting season!

I just had to take their photo . . .

(faces cropped out to protect the innocent -- but yes, that's Dr. J in the yellow parka)

Upon examination of the carcass, I mean tire, it was determined that the rim was bent, too. LORD IN HEAVEN -- why oh why must you torture me?!

Cousin Bob insisted on taking the tire into town and having the situation remedied. I was near tears at this point (frustration). Bob has been an angel to Dr. J & I as we have struggled the past few years, and he knows the past few weeks were especially heart-bruising . . . I know this was on his mind, and he wanted so badly to help us, somehow, so I let him do this for us. He returned a few hours later, saying all had been fixed, and the body shop hadn't charged him anything. We both know he is lying. This made me want to cry again. I find that at the oddest moments, I am blessed by the smallest kindnesses, which wind up making the biggest difference.

Most of Saturday afternoon was spent sled riding. There were 21 of us, in all. And it couldn't have been better.

(This sign cracked us up!)

After our terrific time spent snow tubing just two weeks prior, I didn't think it was possible to have more fun in the snow, so I busied myself as the "official paparazzi" of the family -- something I really enjoy (hey, photography is MY art, and I love it).

Soon enough, though, I agreed to turn over the camera to Cousin Debbie, and was joining everyone else as we slid down the hill the low-tech way -- with plastic saucers, cheap sleds, and even an old fashioned Flexible Flyer (damn, that thing glided!)

(Here's me and my awesome cousin Dave racing down the hill on saucers -- we nearly smacked into the barricades, LOL!)

Other sledding highlights included:

• Dave coming down the hill with an open beer in hand
• Tandem-sledding -- 4 people, 2 sleds -- we (yes I was in on it) wiped out on the way down
• Dave trying to sled down the hill on a case of beer
• Julie and Jonathan (her boyfriend, a minister) sledding with a bobble-head Jesus in hand (really, I have the photos to prove it!)
• Zanne bringing Sammy the Dog with her on the sled
• Bobbie Jo riding with her young granddaughters, Maya and Kyla
• My OWN mother gliding down, face first, on a flexible flyer, and after leaving the hill coasting down the snowy street a good quarter-mile, then calling my stepfather on her cell phone to report her location when we lost sight of her, LOL
• Lucy the Dog running down the hill alongside Cousin Kathy

The day only improved from then on . . . hell, I even took a RARE nap with Dr. J! We had a yummy dinner, more booze, played games all night, and stayed up late talking amongst ourselves. Sunday morning came waaaaaay too quick, of course.

I can't wait until next year :o)

Still . . .

• (I was tagged by Kirsten/Chrissie/2.0) . . . .
  
  ***************************
  
• Still amazed: that I landed the job I have
• Still getting used to: Nate being 11 years old (my nephew, our beloved "practice baby")
  
• Still loving: how I look in a dress since I lost all of this weight
• Still proud of: losing 70 pounds
• Still not proud of: how I couldn't be/wasn't there for my husband from May-December of last year
• Still hoping: to have a baby magically dropped in our laps, sans pregnancy
• Still worried: that I will have another miscarriage
• Still never going to: have anal sex, get a tattoo, vote for Hillary Clinton
• Still pretending: that money brings happiness (I am will to fake it for the time being, though!)
• Still reading: blogs I shouldn't (but doing it far less frequently)
• Still wanting to read: The Bible in its entirety, a Teddy Roosevelt biography, and an advance copy of whatever Vince Flynn writes before it hits the shelves!
• Still interested in: happily ever after, and waaaaay too many t.v. shows
• Still not interested in: home improvement projects or yard work
• Still looking forward to: Thanksgiving, every year, so long as I can be with my cousins
• Still not looking forward to: any holiday, ever again, with my bitch cow of a S-I-L
• Still failing: As a Christian
• Still grateful for: the soft landing my husband provides, no matter what; and parents who love me fiercely
• Still praying: for our military, our President, and that all children find homes ASAP
• Still not believing in: Patience. Phuck that.
• Still believing in: Proactivity

Bathus Interruptus

Okay, Friday was . . . crazy. I rushed from one doctor (who kept me waiting for 50 minutes, which did not help my nerves) to another. In between phuckin' Rite Aid phucked up the presciption that the first doctor insisted I had to get on immediately (grrrr, the damn pharmacist gave me the WRONG prescription! And this is for a serious medical issue. Grrrr, I am gonna have to tuck this bit of anger away for a few days until I can deal with it, via a nasty phone call to the Rite Aid corporate offices!)

Thankfully, the day ended better than it started, with me mellowing courtesy of a couple of glasses of Clos du Bois merlot, and sharing a chocolatey treat with a friend. Yum.

Saturday was a rough day for Dr. J and I, due to an event we had to attend that was tough on us, emotionally (adoption-related). We spent several hours with my brother on Sunday, pertaining to his church journey (he is becoming a Catholic and I am his sponsor).

So ANYHOO, the plan was for us to drop my little brother off at our Aunt's so he could pick up his car, and then Dr. J and I were going to use my Aunt's big spa tub for a long overdue bubblebath! We even brought the bottle of 2004 Iron Horse Wedding Cuvee that Dr. J's godparents send us each year as an anniversary present.

We were SO READY for this bubblebath, I can not overstate that point!


Dr. J drew the bath water, popped the champagne into our special glasses, and we slid into the tub. A mere 120 seconds later (I am not kidding), my Uncle begins pounding furiously on the bathroom door, and bellows in his German-accented voice "Zee water is leek-ing thru zee cee-ling!"

You have to be kidding me, right?! NOPE. He wasn't. Somehow their tub, which hadn't had a leak in 10 years, and my Aunt uses for a soak at least once a week, chose MY MOMENT OF ZEN to begin leaking through the dining room ceiling below. Unbelievable. Really.

So we drain the tub, wipe the bubbles off our bodies, and pad downstairs to stare up at the ceiling with my aunt and uncle.

I thought I was going to burst into tears out of pure frustration. I . . . just . . . wanted . . . my . . . bubblebath. (Sniff, sniff, cue pout).

As I lunched with a friend today, and related this tale of woe, he looked at me amused and said "Bathus Interruptus?!"

Grrrrrrrr.

Leave It To Sayid

Okay, I know V-Day was just yesterday but I am going to admit I am in love with another man.

It's Sayid from "Lost."

Damn, he is SUCH a bad ass (scroll to 6:37). And he is sooooo sexy! (And yes, I openly swoon over Sayid -- the character AND the actor who plays him, Naveen Andrews -- in front of Dr. J).

Last night's episode of "Lost" had a lot of focus on Sayid. Thank you, Lord, for this.

I thought Sayid looked hot in his full throttle, sweaty, torture the bad guys mode on the island. THEN they showed a flash-forward in which he plays golf, and even a scene in which he is wearing a tuxedo! Oh my, I thought I was going to pass out!!!!!!!!!

Hell, even my husband likes Sayid. He said "He's just like the essence of what a man should be. Like that guy you want to hang out with."

Sayid . . . . mmmm mmmm tasty. Meow!

Happy Day to My Valentines

I was driving to a doctor appointment today when a song came on the radio that brought back a flood of memories . . . it was "Solid" by Ashford & Simpson (yes, I acknowledge it's a bad video -- in a so bad it's good kind of way, LOL). I immediately grabbed my cell phone and called the man who I think of each time this classic tune is on the radio . . . my Daddy. He thanked me for the V-Day card I had sent him (I send him one every year because, after all, he was the first man I ever loved, and the first man to ever love me). I quickly instructed him to put on the station I was listening to, and then giggled as I said "Daddy, remember how we used to sing this in the car?!" There are other songs like that, ones that make me think of times spent alone with my Dad, singing in the car. I think what made them so memorable is that my Dad, a guy who throughout my childhood alternated between being ultra-smooth and an ultra-goofball, used to sing along to these songs in such a funny, dramatic, over-the-top manner that you couldn't keep a straight face when they came on. Some others that I immediately associate with my Dad are:

• "Islands in the Stream"/Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton (before Kenny f'ed up his face with bad plastic surgery)
• "Separate Lives"/Phil Collins & Marilyn Martin
• "Maneater"/Hall & Oates (Ahhh, a classic from Dad's post-divorce bachelor years)
• "Coming Around Again"/Carly Simon (his song choice to dance with me at my wedding)

This was on my mind as I worked out at the gym. Only, with thoughts of Valentine's Day bouncing around my head, I began seeking out the songs on my Ipod that remind me of Dr. J:

• "Have a Little Faith"/Joe Cocker (our wedding song)
• "Through the Fire"/Chaka Khan (damn, that girl can belt it out!)
• "The Pina Colada Song"/Rupert Holmes (we do these funny accents when we sing it together)
• "Little Wonders"/Rob Thomas (song I listen to when I am feeling hopeful)
• "If We Fall In Love Tonight"/Rod Stewart (same reason -- about our past & future)

Happy V-Day to all -- now everybody go cuddle ;o)

21 Things -- check off Renewal of Vows

(NO, THIS IS NOT US!!!)

We did it! I saw this news item a couple of months ago, and thought it'd be just dorky enough for Dr. J to wanna check out . . . the Guiness Book of World Records would be coming to town for the World's Largest Renewal of Vows ceremony. So I signed us up as an anniversary surprise.

Tonight we put on our finest and ventured out to the event. I was this close to wearing my wedding dress, but in the end chose not too because I didn't want to get my dress dirty (plus my car needs a good cleaning, too!) Instead I wore my aforementioned "Vegas Dress" and Dr. J wore his best suit with a purply dress shirt and tie combo that I love him in (he looks great in dramatic colors).

It was QUITE a site at the ceremony. A handful of women in their dresses (I admit, the real reason I wanted to wear mine, other than the fact that I love my wedding dress, was to show up all those women who can no longer squeeze into theirs. Am I evil? No. Honest? Yes.) There were some folks in wedding dresses at least two decades old, which was pretty funny. And this one couple had on NASCAR shirts (see above photo), which really had us giggling. Even a lesbian couple. Couples married 60+ years, and couples married within the past year. Two couples in which the husband sported a kilt.

It was an interesting evening, in a beautiful setting. Fun, dorky, different, weird. Yep, it was our kind of night :o)

22 Things -- check off Snow Tubing

So after a rough week (maybe that should read RAW week), I surprised Dr. J by giving him an early birthday present from his mother-in-law. His birthday is not until the end of February, but my Mom already had told me she wanted to pay for us to go snow tubing, since it's something we have been talking about wanting to do. Thus, I decided that THIS was the weekend to go do it, and check off something else on our "24 Things" list.

We drove up to Seven Springs, planning on tubing during the 6-8 p.m. session. OF COURSE it was sold out (grrrr!). So we bought tickets for the 8-10 p.m. session and decided to regroup by throwing back some crappy drinks in the crappy bar. Seven Springs is fun, don't get me wrong, but it's in baaaaaaad need of a complete makeover. Still, it serves it's purpose.

Back to the tubing . . . WE . . . HAD . . . A . . . BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did a lot of sled-riding as a child, whereas Mr. Country Club (Dr. J) did things like skiing in Switzerland and New Mexico (cue up your best Long Island stereotype, lol). But of course I am afraid of heights so I do need Dr. J when it comes to things like getting to the top of a mountain. Thank goodness he calms my fears in this regard. I am even more thankful that I did NOT have to get on a ski lift in order to go sno-tubing. Thank you, Lord. Instead, they had a "magic carpet" conveyor belt you could stand on, or sit in your tube and hook onto the tow line which pulls you uphill. Each had it's own benefits (the tow line was more fun, whereas the magic carpet was much faster).

We started out by doing two runs in which we held onto each others tube and sped downhill (called "doubles"). Then we did a couple runs as "singles". We then went over to the higher, faster, steeper lanes and went down those, too. A little tough for me, as we stood there -- I kept thinking back to those super-high "banana slides" you encounter at a water park. But I conquered the fear and did it anyway, and was glad I did! I then shocked by Dr. J and went down headfirst before he had even tried it! (Seriously, I now know why they make you sign release forms -- these lanes are icy, fast, and you COULD be killed if your head hit something!)

Like I said, we had sooooo much fun, and it was something we desperately needed. I am now hoping we can gather all of my awesome second cousins together for a future group outing.

Shifting My Mental State

This week has been a roller coast of emotions. I would classify it as the 4th-worst week of my life. Thanks to all of my insane friends for their attempts to lift me up, yet again. I love yinz, big time.

So here's my attempt to distract myself . . . let's react to the latest article by one of my new-favorite columnists, "SexPert" Dr. Yvonne Fulbright:

10 ISSUES AFFECTING HER ABILITY TO ORGASM

Some thoughts worth sharing:

• Yes, ladies of the world, DO get to know your body. Granted, I think as I have gotten older, and more comfortable with myself and sex in general, I am better at helping things along with such helpful articulations as "a little to the left," "faster," "lighter," "no wait, harder," "yes, right there," and the crowning moment phrase of "don't stop!" I honestly think that the age/maturity factor of women has a lot to do with this. Most men I have discussed it with agree that older women are far better in bed than some young chickie. Young Chickie (and by this I mean 18-24) may be cute and have a tight ass, but like I said, most guys have told me that a woman who falls in the 30-45 category will actually be far friskier and more exciting in the sack, because she knows herself, and is more likely to give a man directions. And as we all know, men never stop to ask , hee-hee!

• Women DO get stuck in their own head -- we are thinking about big things (bills, work projects, etc.) and little (the laundry, errands, that the ceiling fan needs to be dusted). This is why "transition time" (a.k.a. FOREPLAY) is so important. MEN OF THE WORLD -- your woman HAS let you know what her "transition" is -- it may be more kissing, a margarita, a massage, having her feet rubbed, possibly all of these! So LISTEN next time, and don't just phucking phone it in! I can't tell you how many times I have had a friend say "I love kissing, and he knows it. But he thinks if we kiss for 2 minutes that BAM it's enough and time for him to get laid." [NOTE: This is NOT a rip on men post, everyone knows I am MUCH tougher on women than men!!!]

• Damn straight, intercourse is NOT enough to turn a woman on, or make her "O". Men, listen, we love your passion, and your enthusiasm, but somewhere along the way you were sold a bill of goods if you think rocking away like a jackhammer is making us "O". Um, really, it's not. It may very well be exciting and feel great (even to us), but we women are built different. And it feels different. God gave you hands, and a mouth. And he gave us all sorts of delicious body parts for you to explore with your hands and mouth. Try a new place once in a while, and see what happens! [And by the way, your mouth includes your voice -- women flourish with compliments telling them how hot you find them, how good they are making you feel, etc.]

• Finally, a note scolding women . . . I have talked to plenty of men over the years, and some of them have valid complaints when it comes to their partner. Lack of enthusiasm, direction, encouragement, and self-maintenance are huge turnoffs for men. Men are not such difficult creatures, if you care and feed them properly. So ladies, give 'em a little bit of energy, a bit of dirty talk, and throw in some freaky thoughts once in a while, and you will likely have a happy camper.

Okay, stepping down from my Rant Box. Next!

On the Road Again

So I am in D.C. again. This is my third overnight (multiple) business trip since 2008 began. I don't mind. I actually welcome them -- I hate being stuck in the office.

[PLEASE CUE UP YOUR BEST SARCASM BEFORE READING THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE . . . ]

In a stunning turn of events, I got lost en route. Right around D.C. (beltway), and then once again trying to find my way around D.C. If somebody out there says "but isn't D.C. built on a grid" I will personally rip your tongue out. Thanks!

I decided to try another hotel in the Kimpton family, since I so enjoyed the Hotel Helix in May 2007. This time, I am at the Topaz Hotel. I loooooovvve my room. Hee hee, the only way I can describe it is as "chic fun." It's colorful, but not over the top. Contemporary, but not cold.

But damn, I am so loving this place right now. The only thing missing is someone to enjoy it with.

Gala Recap

Last night was the big shindig for my work. There were about 400 people there, all gussied up in (mainly) tuxedos and snazzy dresses. The theme was Mardi Gras, so some of the folks had rented costumes too. Our newly installed president wore his tux part of the time, and then at other times he was dressed as a king. He looked adorable, I have to say. His wife was dressed as a court jester.

I was excited to have an opportunity to wear a beautiful dress again, the one I refer to as "my Vegas dress" (because I wore it in Las Vegas when I went to see Cirque du Soleil's "O"). I never went to any of the Proms or Homecoming dances when I was in high school (sniff, sniff), so there is this little girl part of me that gets really excited about having an opportunity to go shopping for something special, and then slipping into it for a big night out. Though, I gotta admit, I was more than a little bit nervous having that dress on around my co-workers and Board of Directors, who are used to seeing me in only business suits and the occasional sundress.

Well, the dress was a hit! I received a lot of positive feedback, which was appreciated since I have been busting my ass at the gym in January (15 workouts in a 31-day month). Oh, and the new bra worked out prefectly with it (three cheers for clear straps!)

I should have had a photo of myself taken in the dress, but I am quite camera shy. So here's a photo of the dress I found online.

Friday Poll

We haven't had a "Friday Poll Question" in a while, which I remarked in an email to Chrissie the other day. She immediately shot back with the following poll question, which was kept amongst myself ("F.C.") , ManHands (Adrian), Kirsten (Chrissie, or 2.0) and Lori (Coach).

The topic was . . .

CRAZY THINGS MEN HAVE DONE FOR ME

Holy shit! The items that were ticked off for that poll ranged from sweet stuff going back to the sixth grade, to the scary, to the bold, to the damn wild & sexy kind. WHOA BABY.

It was so good, I don't think I can even publish any of them. We kept the identities of the men anonymous, referring to all as just "he," as in "He had a dozen roses delivered to me while on a date with another man" or "He lifted me out of the hot tub, dried me off, and then rubbed cocoa butter all over me."

It was a gooooood topic. And I encourage everyone to try it out with their BFF's immediately!!!

Cheers!