Ping-Ping

Okay, I hope I am not recounting too much of what some of you already may know, but if I am bear with me (it's hard to keep track of who knows what sometimes -- some folks are more interested in the tiny details than others, ya know).

Let us scroll back our collective calendars to July 26th, while I was in Ft. Lauderdale. As you may recall, we were scrambling to get our I-600A form ("Foreign Orphans Petition" filed with Homeland Security, because effective July 30th, the fee would rise from $540 to something like $685. BUT in order to do so we needed the completed Home Study from Catholic Chairites and our caseworker MaryLou (the lady with the breathy, high-pitrched voice, remember?!) Mary Lou had said it would only take her 3 weeks to complete, and it was going on week 5 (note: even 5 weeks is amazingly fast -- most places take 3 months to complete this report!) But we finally get it, and while I am in Florida Dr. J submits the I-600A and the notarized Home Study (you will learn the power of a notary as this SAGA phucking continues!)

We also had to send Homeland Security a check for $140 ($70 each) for "Biometrics" -- which is the fingerprinting they do on us now, and again before we leave for China, years from now.

On August 1st we receive a letter, DATED July 30th, from Homeland Security to get our asses down to their Pittsburgh office THAT WEEK for fingerprinting -- WOO HOO! That was SUPER-FAST!!! (MaryLou was amazed). Now, the letter tells us if we don't make it down there THAT week (which gives us until Saturday, August 4th), we can only them come down on WEDNESDAYS in the weeks after for fingerprinting. (Please note, my Wednesdays for the several weeks following were already scheduled up REALLY tight, which meant we were even more motivated to get down there THAT WEEK).

So the following day, Thursday, August 2nd we decided Dr. J will pick me up at my office at 11 a.m. and we'll go downtown, get fingerprinted, grab a quick hot dog at Franktuary, and then he'll drop me back at work. Only I wake up Thursday morning not feeling so hot. I puke about 4 times before I leave for work. But dammit, I am determined to go in to the office and get this "biometrics" thing over with.

I get to work, puke a good dozen more times. Everyone at office is whispering I am pregnant -- FOR THE LAST GAWDAMN TIME I AM NOT PREGNANT! I want to burst into tears every time someone makes that joke! (I know THEY don't know my history, but I will NEVER make that joke to someone EVER again!)

Dr. J picks me up. I am so sick. We get to the parking lot. Of course we have to drive up 10 twisty ramps to the 10th floor to find a mid-day parking spot. I am seriously ill at this point. I finally admit there is no way I am gonna make it out of this car, let alone walk 3 blocks and be fingerprinted. And now my lower abs-area HURTS! He calls our GP, and both think it's appendicitis or an ovarian cyst (I know it's not, but am too ill to speak). Next thing I know I am being examined on a gurney at Mercy Hospital, and being given intravenous shots of nausea medication (5 in all, and 2 shots for pain). They make me drink mass quanitities of this gawdawful contrasting dye to prep me for a CT Scan. I make it into the tube for the scan, but the moment I am out, BLEH -- up comes the contrasting dye (made it into a can, thank gawd). Everything on my body hurts and I am sick as a phucking dawg. I was at the hospital for 6 hours and SURPRISE, NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, except for some 24 hour vomitting virus. I go home, sleep for 12 hours (That is probably the most shocking thing of all). Went back to work the next day, feeling 70% better, but with nada appetite.

Finally, on Saturday, still a bit icky, we go down and get fingerprinted. No line, easy deal. Thanks goodness.

Soooo, on August 7th Dr. J and I had to Mercy Hospital again to our G.P.'s office (we usually go to an office of his much closer ot our home) to have him fill out yet another series of medical paperwork on us. Although we already had him give us physicals to satisfy Catholic Charities, we need another series of paperwork to certify us "healthy" for the Chinese government. Oi Vey. Only, Holt advises us to sit there with the physician, and make sure he doesn't put down that Dr. J takes allergy medicine (don't ask, apparently it doesn't make the Chinese happy -- they see it as "Respiratory Problems"), yadda, yadda.

Part of having the physicals done AGAIN by our G.P. at Mercy involved us having to have a "travelling notary" show up at Dr. Patel's office and certify Dr. Patel's signature as being indeed his. Really. Again, required by Chinese Gov't. It took Dr. J alot of effort and phone calls to find a notary who would travel, and on short notice. But he found one who would come out, for a $50 charge (not unreasonable, in notary world -- but we had been having everything notarized via "State Senator Hottie's" office, who was doing it for free as a "constituent service"). But hey, what could we do, right?!

So much for keeping the adoption on the "down-low" at work . . .

Well, the Travelling Notary showed up on time, and they showed him into the exam room where the three of us were (we were all dressed -- it was just paperwork, actually) . . . and the notary was a rather active member of my organization. Really. A former past-president of our Board of Directors, even. Sheesh. Unbelievable. Phuck.

It's not that the adoption is some shameful dark secret, but I wanted to keep it under wraps at work, lest I encounter the following:

1. A bunch of intrusive questions about my gynecological well-being (it's ALWAYS 100% the woman's problem, right?!)
2. A bunch of suggestions to "Just Relax" or "Try Doing it In the Back Seat of a Car on prom Nite" (yes, I have had this said to me -- and by two different people!)
3. Interrogated as to "Why China?" (WHY NOT! Everything else is made there!)
4. Worries that I am going on some sort of maternity leave TOMORROW (hullo -- it takes 2 years to get her through customs -- but explaining THAT somehow makes me an ambassador of all things adoption and they then want to have the ENTIRE process explained in-depth!)
5. Questions about whether I will still be working at mu current job (yes -- because I need to pay off the adoption and re-invest money in my retirement account)
6. Assurances that "you'll get pregnant while you're waiting" -- as if I am going through the expensive, time-consuming process of adopting because I think it's a magical fertility treatment?! (Um, never wanted to be pregnant in first place, folks! And certainly don't want to ever again! It's just a means to an end!)
7. Don't want to be continually asked "Is she here yet?" (Um, no, and you asking me over the next two years will not pass the time more quickly for me, thank you very much).

Luckily, I was honest with my boss about this all along, but I still had to tell him about what happened with Notary, so he could be prepared when/if he starts getting inquiries about all of this from others in the organization.

One good thing, the notary -- being a member of the organization I am employed by, he refused to let us pay him the $50 fee he had quoted on the phone. "Professional discount," he said. Then he asked me about any upcoming golf outings. Okay, I see where this is going! Must find a couple golf outings to send him to, gratis. Will do!

The following day I had to go in for my polypectomy and another D&C. Guess what?! They get in there, and NO PHUCKING POLYP! Just a build-up of endometrium [sp?], which they scraped out. Sometimes this happens -- it presents on the sonoHSG as a polyp, but isn't in the end. Still, it ticks ya off a bit to have your va-jay-jay in pain and go through taking time off work, feeling like shit, put my sex life on hold, yadda, for NOTHING!

Honestly, my life IS stranger than fiction!

While all of this was going on, in early-mid August I decided to go back to see my prior counselor for a couple of sessions. Didn't want to while home study was going on, out of fear of being labeled something I am not (like psycho) though I did disclose I have seen one in past . But I was having a lot of many dark moments again, so to say (not like I am gonna hurt myself or anything dumb like that -- but like bursting into tears, more easily irritated than usual, lack of concentration, easily frustrated, yadda, yadda). Also, I kept having these "flashbacks" about the m/c -- to specific moments, and they would seemingly come out of nowhere, and all of a sudden my throat would tighten up and I was wanting to cry uncontrollably, and at inappropriate moments, like a business meeting.

Sorry, don't mean to sound messy. Just acknowledging some tough moments. And with the adoption finally feeling "real" I know I need to deal with this some more. I think I was also hyped up via a new round of suddenly pregnant women popping up everywhere I turned. I know the "it just happened" pregnant folks (grrr!) will never go away -- so I need to cope better with how I deal with them. Cause at that point my best coping mechanism was fantasies of mowing them down with a dump truck.

I am kidding. Sort of.

So fast forward (a little bit), to the following week. We FINALLY had all but two pieces of the adoption paperwork Holt needed collected, notarized, and FedExed off to Holt -- woo-hoo! (The two things we still needed were a copy of the photo/signature page of our passports, which we applied for the first week of June, but still hadn't arrived yet, and the I-171H form from Homeland Security -- more on both of these later].

Dr. J and I were soooooooooo proud of ourselves, getting everything in like this, so quickly and efficiently, despite some obstacles! But then it was like . . . take a step forward, take two steps back, take a step forward, no, two more phucking steps back . . . and here's why . . . .

We get an e-mail from Holt that about 75% of the notarized adoption paperwork we sent them had to be RE-NOTARIZED, by a different notary! WHY?! When you get something notarized it will say that the notary's "Commission Expires _____" and give some date in the future. Two of the three notaries we used had commissions that expire in November 2007. (The travelling notary had one expiring in 2010). WELL, Holt said the Chinese Gov't will want to see these forms notarized by folks whose Commissions expiring at least 6 months from now, so we need to find notaries whose commissions expire in 2009 or later, just to be on the safe side.

WHAT THE FUCK???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand the problem, I don't even question it. But why the phuck weren't we warned of this BEFORE we had all of this shit notarized!?!?!?!?

"State Senator Hottie's" office has THREE people who can notarize documents -- two of whom have commissions that expire in 2010. WE used the one who had the commission expiring in November 2007, of course. OF COURSE! So Holt was returning all of this gawddamn phucking, phucking, PHUCKING paperwork, we which had so quickly and proudly scrambled to complete to us. MOTHER-PHUCKERS!!!

So upon learning this info on Wednesday, August 15th, I had what can best be described as a full-fledged meltdown. Dr. J was with a patient when I learned all of this via e-mail, so I called my friend dear Lori and just SOBBED on the phone. I literally whined to her, (I hate whining!)through my tears, "It's just not fair! I feel like saying phuck all this and going to Dr. Wakim's office and telling him to shoot me up with those eggs so I don't have to deal with all of this judging and public bullshit anymore." She was very soothing, didn't try to "fix" anything (I hate when people do that -- cause there's NOTHING to fix, the process IS what it IS, and can't be changed). But my nerves were so damn raw.

That night I took a LONG walk after work, and re-grouped a bit. Okay, I figure, better to know now than later (like when dossier is sent to China), and because they can't send dossier to China UNTIL we recieve from Homeland Security the I-171H form, it's not like we are truly being delayed, just more like friggin' annoyed and inconvenienced. Deep breath.

So the next morning I began scrambling (LOTS of phone calls) to find notaries who do have commissions that expire years from now. More on this later (yeah, can you believe there is still MORE to the notary saga -- cause I am tellin' ya, this part of the story ain't over -- it's more like a friggin' Lifetime movie mini-series!).

So Thursday morning we had to haul ass back down to Catholic Charities so they could fill out a form that Holt required (I swear, we could have filled out on our own, and mailed in, and Holt would be none the wiser) called the "Medical Conditions Checklist" -- which is basically a form that says which medical conditions you will or won't accept in a child referred to you. It was actually a good vent session with Mary Lou, who validated a lot of our feelings. Just having someone acknowledge our feelings, and understand the process, is immensely helpful. I actually now like Mary Lou.

We even told Mary Lou that is was a semi-relief that all (lol) we have to left to pay for is the $9,600 fee due when we accept our referral (and hey, we will have a good 22 months to save up for that, right, lol?!), and the $3,000 approximate travel fee for China (which we would credit card anyway -- I always credit card travel arrangements, as a cover your ass thing, in case there are any problems). We even said that in the end, this is not quite as expensive as we thought, but that is because Catholic Charities charges a lot less for things than say Bethany or Adoptions from the Heart (two, local, private adoption agencies that are popular with local folks who adopt internationally).

When I got home from work on Thursday, August 16th, we had a surprise in the mail . . . an envelope from Charleston, SC (who the hell do I know there?!) MY PASSPORT WAS THERE!!! Woo-hoo! It seems they process it at a facility in Charleston, SC (important point for later, I promise). This is VERY good, since a copy of the passport (certain pages) is also a requirement before our dossier is sent to China. I had applied for mine only a few days before Dr. J did for his, so we expected his to arrive in the mail a few days thereafter. We THOUGHT, I stress. Guess what, more on THIS later, too!

It was one of those "paperwork pregnant" moments, that you wish you could shout about to everybody, but know that few will understand, LOL.

So I followed up by e-mailing Masha Ma at Holt (our "Dossier Processing Specialist" -- yes, the Chinese lady) about receiving my passport, yadda, some other details . . . and Masha shoots back with:

"When you mail me the final document I-171H, please include the following payments for certifying and authenticating your dossier:

- $180.00 check made to "Commonwealth of Pennsylvania"
- $265.00 money order made to "The Chinese Consulate"

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

This is in addition to the costs spent FedExing all of our shit back and forth between us and Holt, and Holt & Commonwealth of PA , Holt and the State of New York (because Dr. J there for 18 years) and the Chinese Consulate.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! Like I said, take a step forward, take two back. Grrrr.

So on Monday morning of this week, we go back to "State Senator Hottie's" office, this time to have Brianna, who's commission expires in 2010, re-notarize these documents. Only Brianna is NOT in the office she SWORE to me that she would be that morning, but rather one across town. We're annoyed, but okay, we drive over to that office. She notarizes them by attaching a page to them stating that "on this date, personally appearing before me were . . . (our names & addresses) . . . yadda, yadda" and she stamps the letter, yadda. GREAT!

On Tuesday, August 21st, my boss is back in office and I find one of our Board members who happens to be a notary with a commission expiring in 2011, to agree to notarize the signature of my boss on my employment verification letter. Of course, I had to let this Board member in on the whole gig. Sigh. He took it better than I thought. Turns out his daughter is adopted, too (she's white like them though, and my age). But he was more sympathetic and less cranky than usual when I told him why I needed this done, on short notice.

So Tuesday afternoon I am looking over all of this re-notarized shit when I notice that on the notary letter that Brianna has attached to FOUR of our documents . . . SHE HAS SPELLED Dr. J's NAME WRONG -- HIS FIRST NAME, EVEN -- MOTHER PHUCKING KEE-RIST!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't even ask if the Chinese Gov't will be okay with this. You KNOW the answer is a big whopping NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh wait, it gets better . . . Brianna left for vacation on Monday afternoon. Gone for the rest of the week. Really. I told you this notary thing reads like a Lifetime movie script!

So remember I said "State Senator Hottie's" office has TWO other notaries with good commissions? Well, I track down THE OTHER notary, Will, who works out of an entirely different district office of "State Senator Hottie" (he has three offices in his district, which is pretty typical for a State Senator).

So on Wednesday morning we trudge over to meet with Will (thank gawd my boss is either absentee lately or good-natured about me being so late to work each morning -- I'd have been canned at my old job by now). He notarizes these documents (now, remember, this is the THIRD time for these documents), and bless his heart spells our names correctly.

I happen to mention that my passport arrived, but Dr. J's hadn't yet. I just casually mentioned it, not expecting anything by it. He asks me if I am tight with another in either Congressman Murphy or U.S. Senator Specter's office. I say "yes, I used to work for Senator Specter's Chief of Staff." -- NOTE: "Hottie", Murphy, Specter are all Republicans, like myself, and thus I know these staffers well because (a) I am a lobbyist and am in contact with legislative staff frequently, and (b) Republican staffers tend to be a tight group, we watch out for one another, and help each other out when it comes to job opportunities -- I am sure the Dem staffers are the same, though.

So Will then gives me the name of Corene Ashley, who works in Senator Specter's office, and says she works passport magic, and I should call her, mention Will giving me her name, yadda, and see what she can do.

I trot back to my office, while Dr. J goes off to FedEx to Holt these three-times gawddamn notarized set of documents. I call Corene, explain what's going on, and how I used to work for Specter's now-Chief of Staff (that definitely softened her, though she was a REALLY nice lady anyway). She says she'll look into it, and call me back. She calls me back around 2:30 p.m., same day, WEDNESDAY of this week (this is an important fact!) Says she has the passport people on the other line, and asks me for some more information. She then calls me back at 3:30 p.m., and says they will "expedite" processing of his passport. GREAT, I say, and thank her for her time and effort, and tell her how awesome she is, yadda.

Now, let's consider THIS Thursday morning, August 23nd (yeah, just the other day!) My boss is away on a business trip, so I decide to sleep in an extra hour. While I am getting ready, I think I hear a knock at our door (doorbell is busted), but dismiss it, since there is construction going on at dilapidated house across the street from house which is being renovated.

OF COURSE, I missed a FedEx delivery. WELL, when I tracked package online and it is coming from Charleston, SC, which is same place MY PASSPORT came from -- and only LEFT there at 6:34 p.m on Wednesday, the SAME AFTERNOON Corene and I had spoken -- who else would send something overnight like that to us?!?! Later that day, Dr. J would pick up, at the Fed Ex warehouse, HIS PASSPORT!!!!!!!!

THIS WOMAN IS A GODDESS, DIVA, ROCK STAR, ALL ROLLED INTO ONE GIANT PACKAGE!!!

THUS, all that is left then is to receive the I-171H form from Homeland Security (and through my ability to navigate federal agencies I made a contact there who said our I-600A should be processed this week, which would then mean we'd receive the I-171H "approval notice" by next week), which we then would send to Holt, and then they send EVERYTHING to be "authenticated" by the PA Secretary of State and the NY Secretary of State, and then . . . dossier goes out to China!!!

Yes, we're still probably 4 weeks away from that magic package (called "the dossier") being shipped out to China, but I feel like . . . well like if we were in the IVF-world that we just had egg retrieval and told some of the eggs are viable!!! Silly, I know, but not sure how else to explain it?! I guess then when the dossier is mailed to China we'll consider it to be the "embryo transfer," and the Log-In Date (by Chinese Gov't) to be our "we're pregnant" moment?!?!

So a little bit excited right now, though tired and worn out from all of the "August drama" . . . letting small bit of hope back in. SMALL, please keep that in mind.

We're still waaaayyy broke right now. My hair is desperate need of a cut and some, um, toning. I am in-between gyms right now (cost-cutting measure), and we can't afford a present for the Nicole's wedding in CA next month (but hey, we'll be there, and she said that's present enough). Forget eating out anytime soon.

And I am still quite raw, emotionally. I had my post-surgical checkup with my terrifc Ob/Gyn, Dr. Khalili yesterday. Got a clean bill of health. He thinks we'll still wind up pregnant on our own, but is very respectful of our decision, and has been a tremendous source of support to me, personally. He actually said "give me a hug!" What a guy -- I adore him!!!

Life is still hard, tough. Still plenty of tears. Lots of stress, with the bills and Dr. J TRYING to get patients in, and us only having one income and 3x's as many bills. Sigh. So I still need everyone to please bear with me if I am flying high one minute and a cranky, depressed bitch the next.

And I am sorry this is blog entry is so long. But those of you who have been there for me (and if you have been, YOU KNOW IT BECAUSE I HAVE SLOBBERED ALL OVER YOU TELLING YOU HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!), well, this is "what has been going on with me." Sometimes it's just too stressful for me to discuss . . . people will ask about how you're doing, but so few are really interested in the truth. And though I may seem like such an open book, those who truly know me are well aware that there about a gazillion layers to me, and it's only through a serious amount of trust and support that that I ever let anyone peel even a sliver of those layers back, and begin to see what is really going on inside me.

But I needed to vent. And thus, you get "The Ping-Ping Missive."

Love me anyway, por favor?!

Cheers.

Kirsten is DRRUUNNKK . . . Kirsten is DRRUUNNKK!!!

So Ms. Kirsten/Chrissie/2.0, having gotten her twins off to bed last night, and apparently home alone, settled into her evening with a bottle of riesling and a bag of Cheetos (nice pairing, my dear . . . though "Hamster" and I would challenge you to booze throw-down of chili & champagne).

Ya gotta love when a gorgegous, Japanese woman drinks alone, blackberry in hand, and sends you a stream of e-mails with all sorts of crazy, drunk thoughts!!! Who knew she worried about whether her heartbeat was too loud, and that she could feel her eyeballs pulsing?! LMAO!

Here's just one classic gem Kirsten sent out as her "Angels Report" last night:

• "Thought I would share. Since I'm drunk. I am without sense right now. Even my crotch is drunk. I think I peed a little on the toilet seat. I started before I sat down and hit the edge with the edge of my thigh. My big fat thunderous lightning conjuring thigh."

Okay, I have no idea what that last sentence of hers means?! I do know that Kirsten is most certainly NOT fat. Not in the slightest. She was skinny before the twins. She gained 60 pounds with them, and lost all but 5 of these pounds. And word is that her boobs look better now. Whatever.

Lest you think Kirsten mismanaged her drunk time, let me correct you -- she also used this time to count the bottles of wine in her home (24), and toast herself a 90-calorie waffle. Yee haw, you wild woman! She also cried recounting the fact that she had watched a UB40 video on t.v. the other day (the "Red, Red Wine" video).

Of course, inevitably her stream of semi-consciousness turned to S-E-X. See, we Angels (as in "Charlie's Angels," being Adrian, Kirsten, and myself) have been trying to talk Kirsten into giving her husband a very special birthday present, hee hee! And I guess ingesting a bottle of wine was making the gift suggestion, um, a hell of a lot more attractive than it was when she is sober.

But Kirsten's wacky thoughts got me thinking about "drunk sex" in general. And about how much fun it is, from time-to-time, to just have a little too much to drink, get that warm and toasty and cheerful feeling (at least for me, since I am a happy drunk), and just throw caution to the wind and give things a whirl that you wouldn't normally do. I live such a structured life nearly 24/7, and with my adherence to things like calendars, "to do " lists, my exercise regime, and chores, well . . . it's sometimes just so gawddamn freeing to give in to that little devilish part of yourself, the part that forgets to say "no" and instead lets you drop your inhibitions and rules and focus on just pure pleasure!

Mmmmmm ;o)

Superbad

For the second week in a row, Dr. J and I went to the drive-in. Last week we saw "The Bourne Ultimatum," which ROCKED!

This week, we went with my favorite boy cousin, Dave, and his adorable wife, Natalie.

We saw the just released flick, "Superbad."

Holy PHUCK!

IT WAS PHUCKING HYSTERICAL!!!!

This movie selection was a major departure for me, as I almost always prefer action/adventure-type films, but gawddamit, it was so funny!!!

Both Dr. J and I urge all to RUN to the theatre to see it ASAP -- it's gonna be a cult classic kind of movie, for all time!!!

It was so good that I am jealous of any teenager graduating from high school this year, as "SuperBad" will be one of those generational milsetones for them.

McLOVIN 4EVER!!!

Mental Snapshot

What a mixed-up two weeks I am having. So much has happened, and yet nothing has changed. I have about a thousand things I should be writing about, and yet I have no patience to really sketch it all out, from a literary standpoint.

So I will cop out, and just do a quickie list-type entry, which will have bits and pieces that will make sense to some people, none to others, but plenty to me (while accurately reflecting the mental jumble that is my brain).

Commencing Random Thoughts:

* I love the show "Confessions of a Matchmaker" -- not only is Patti a hoot, but it makes you think about how YOU would be critiqued if on a date.
* My stomach still has not recovered from nauseaville, I swear. I can't seem to fully shake this thing, even though it's definitely improved. If I drink any more diet ginger ale I may float from all of the carbonation.
* "The Bourne Ultimatum" freakin' ROCKED! It was worth the wait.
* Seeing a movie at the drive-in was divine -- we had such a blast, especially munching on Chinese food during the opening scenes.
* I can't believe how quickly we've been able to submit all of our adoption paperwork -- I am proud of us!
* More and more excited about going to Kal-ee-forn-yah next month. Just hope we don't get too tempted to move back?!
* People, pick your mate well! It astounds me sometimes the bad choices people make when it comes to life partners.
* We like our house, but hate our kitchen.
* I never thought I'd feel worse a few days after surgery than the day of it?! My abdomen alternates between soreness, pain, and feeling like jello. UGH!
* Along the same lines, I can't wait to start resuming my workouts in earnest. But at the same time, I am so pooped that it's hard to imagine getting up to full speed anytime soon (but I'll probably be okay by the 4th workout, if the past is any indication).
* Ventured to IKEA this weekend. Managed the experience better than I thought. Even managed to bring hope with me.
* Hamster and I are going to navigate through the next few years just fine. She is such a treasure, and makes me feel pretty darn useful, at a time when I feel pretty damn useless.
* Dave and Natalie are very special people. They make my heart full, and they make it ache.
* Still praying like crazy for Shannen.
* My husband may not be the toughest guy in the world (um, that would be Jason Bourne), but he is tough enough to handle my tears. Every last one of them. And with the same genuine concern as if they were the first to have ever fallen.

Gym Crazies . . . and How I Met My New Southern BFF

Proudly, I did manage to work out each day of my business trip. This is not easy, considering the temptation of things like, um, sleep, and having one more round at the bar instead of retiring to the hotel room or sneaking in a mid-day workout.

But Thursday morning I did haul my ass to the hotel's fitness center, bright and early. Not easy, since I typically workout in the evenings on weekdays, and mid-afternoons on the weekends.

I spotted one of my colleague-friends, Cheryl, there as I dutifully climbed aboard a treadmill, next to a very pretty brunette, whose name I would later learn is Heather. I was cruising along for about 10 minutes when some late 40-ish woman came into the fitness center in nothing but a tired bikini and a crocheted coverup that failed to even skim her bottom. And flip flops. And she had leave-in conditioner in her hair. Really. I watched her climb on to an eliptical and begin to work out. I was so incredulous at this sight that I turned to my right, mouth hanging open and what I am sure what a confused expression on my face, when Heather looked at me and we both began to giggle at our shared judgmental expressions, LOL! Always nice to have someone confirm your thoughts, eh?!

Our giggles turned to "ICK" when the same woman sat down on a weightlifting machine and began to do about 4 (yep, a whopping 4) reps. Now, remember that her coverup does NOT cover her ass, so I am thinking, "ick, who KNOWS what she's got going on south of the border, and she's pressing that bare flesh onto a place I was planning on sitting in about 30 minutes?! YUCK!" Now you KNOW as soon as she left the next person who got on that weightlifting machine cleaned it off BEFORE they sat down, in addition to after!

But wait, it got even more bizarre . . . soon thereafter in walks yet another swimsuit/coverup-clad woman, CARRYING A STARBUCKS, who hopped onto a treadmill. Really. Who brings a hot beverage onto a treadmill? What kind of workout are YOU planning, dipshit?! About 15 minutes later, I notice that this idiot's husband is carrying wet, brown-stained towels to and from her treadmill because . . . YEP . . . she spilled coffee all over the treadmill! But Heather and I looked at each other incredulously because Ms. Starbucks pussywhipped-husband actually cleaned up the treadmill while his wife was still on it! That's right, she kept walking while he cleaned up her spilled coffee, which I am sure made for a sticky mess as it dried throughout the treadmill's gears. What an ass -- BOTH of them.

Which brings me to my new BFF, Heather. We saw each other a few hours later at one of the conference sessions, and wound up hanging out for the rest of the conference. Heather is my age, from South Carolina, and has a stunning engagement ring, just like me. We mutually expressed admiration for one another's jewelry and hair, which is always the start of a beautiful female pairing. Throughout the remaining days of the conference, we easily chatted about everything and anything . . . both our fathers-in-law are anesthesiologist, we both went to private colleges up north, our mutual love for Nino Scalia (she met him, and admitted to being star struck). We even shared shaving tips -- always a true mark of female bonding.

So, in spite of the gym crazies, I met my new work-travel BFF, and can't wait to see Heather again when I go to Las Vegas in November :o)

Kirsten's Hot vs. Not List

Kirsten recently sent us her only semi-kidding list of what's hot, and conversely, what's not. Then she challenged us to do the same.

Since I absentmindedly forgot to pack anything to read on my 2.5 hour flight this morning to Ft. Lauderdale (more on that later), I had plenty of time to consider her challenge. Sometimes I found myself giggling in my plane seat at the bitchy lunacy my own brain came up with (I am sure some of the fellow passengers were thinking to themselves, "Damn, what's that crazy chick listening to on her Ipod?!")

So, inspired by my business trip AND the current lovely beach locale I find myself in . . . here ya, go, Kirsten/Chrissie/2.0:

HOT: Men who look just perfect in a breezy, button-down beach shirt
NOT: Men with nasty feet who wear sandals. Nasty hands also.

HOT: Women who look sexy with tossled, day-at-the-beach hair.
NOT: Women who clearly should not wear a thong. Not under their clothes, and certainly not at the beach.

HOT: A great suit on a man, complimented by a crisp shirt, interesting tie, and braces.
NOT: Cheap dress shirts, and boring ties or (worse yet) those clearly bought by his kids.

HOT: Sneaking out of afternoon conference sessions for a drink at the bar. Or better yet, a quickie roll in the hay.
NOT: The pain-in-the-ass colleague who shows up at EVERYTHING, can only talk business, and acts like you're insane for wanting to discuss non-work topics.

I know there's more . . . but the comfy bed of my hotel room awaits and I am endeavouring to haul ass to the gym tomorrow morning, so TTFN!

Trophy Wife Travel Network

My job entails a fair amount of travel, including some out of town trips, though many times it is to the same 2 or 3 places. I enjoy it though, it breaks up the monotony of sitting behind a desk, and hey, ya gotta love those expense checks for the mileage (yep, I love making extra money via those, hee hee!) Plus, twice a year I get to go to cities for national conferences that are rotated throughout the country, which has an cool, exciting element to it.

Due to all of this travel, I get the opportunity to stay in a wide range of hotels. Over the years, some have been good, some not-so-good, and some downright gross and/or scary (hullo, Appalachian Conference in Kentucky!)

I have found that the decor of a hotel can have a lot to do with the quality of my stay. If I like the design of the lobby, the furniture, the color scheme in the room, it can go a long way towards whether I enjoy my stay or not. In that regard, I am drawn to places that have more modern or contemporary touches to them, or even silly/funky ones (yes, Hotel Helix, I am referring to your shagadelic self with the leopard-print robes). If a hotel has those big, faux-velvet stuffed chairs in a fun color, it definitely puts a smile on my face, as for some reason I just love those chairs, and wished I had one at home to sink into!

There's always the tendency to stay at a hotel where you've already had a good experience. But sometimes I will have to venture to a city whose hotel offerings I am unfamiliar with, or maybe I just have the urge to mix it up a bit. As a result, I have become a big fan of the Trip Advisor web site, which allows you to research hotels based on the more honest recommendations of regular folks who have stayed there. Sometimes they even post their own room and lobby photos, which is a nice touch.

Later this year I must travel to Las Vegas for a weeklong conference. Trip Advisor contributors have recommended one hotel in particular as having thee best beds in all of Vegas . . . we shall see!

Happy 4th of July!

Nobody ever said it better, and today is the perfect day to listen to it over and over again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDecLiA_Qbw

I truly LOVE when men speak like this -- with conviction, purpose, and strength. They're not worrying about bullshit like offending pansies, pissing off the pundits, or seeming insensitive. Gawddamit, they are only interested in WINNING -- to preserve the American way of life, to keep us safe and sound.

LONG LIVE PATTON'S SPIRIT, AND THOSE OF MEN LIKE HIM!!! (soooo hot, as I am sure Adrian would agree!)

So everyone enjoy the YouTube clip, and/or read the words below, for a lil' patriotic pick-me-up . . . .

Be seated.

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.

Now, an Army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Saturday Evening Post don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating.

We have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great World War II, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana."

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle – anytime, anywhere.

That’s all.

Excuse Me? Could You Repeat That?!

What a week. Soooo much has happened in the past 7 days. Some good, some irritating, much of it stressful. But damn if there haven't been some CLASSIC lines uttered! So many, in fact, that I feel compelled to record them. Thus, in no particular order . . . .

• JAY: "Break out the phucking Taylor!"
• MS. J/FC: "Why are fat people always munching on funnel cake? How come you never see them snacking on some fruit?"
• ADRIAN/MH: "Who is Ron Jeremy?'
• JESSE: "Do not google 'Ron Jeremy' from work."
• MS. J/FC: "Oh, I'm taking it to DEFCOM 2."
• KIRSTEN/CHRISSIE/2.0: "Speak Engrish!"
• HOT MARY: "He brought the Pancakes? What a jerk."
• ERIN (wtf? We don't even know her!): "You need to come hit this every two weeks or so, Asshole!"
• DR. J: "If she wants you to hit it every two weeks then who is hitting it during the off week?"
• FC: "Gawd knows if she is this horny and will let you roll around in there sans latex, she got the WHOLE TOWN in there."
• CHRISSIE: "It probably smells like skank down there."
• FC: "Dude, you got laid 2x's in under 18 hours AND ate the tasty free samples at Sam's -- WTF more do you want? Man up, already!"
• MS. J: "So we moved the bag of tricks & nudie photos to his office, and she never even looked in a single drawer?!"
• GREG: "They're PAVING Carson Street?!?!"
• LORI: "He's fat."
• MS. J: "I hate or resent everybody, with the exception of Nate. And possibly Maya, but the jury's still out on her."
• SPC SHANNON: "Grapes REFUSED to sign the card."
• HAMSTER: "Tell Da Weeter about our many nights spent on surveillance, Jen!"
• YMCA SHANNON: "Eric, did you try one of Ms. J's fried Oreo's? I hear it's all soft and yummy in the middle."
• ERIC: "When I try one of her Oreo's it's Double Stuft."
• FATHER MIKE: "Elsie is the bane of my existence. She's a pain in my ass."
• DR. J: "Don't worry Padre, what you say to me is confidential, like doctor-patient."
• ADRIAN: "A pretty face doesn't make a pretty cunt."
• GREG: "Phucking PennDOT!"
• HOT MARY: "But Doug says it's a very nice trailer."
• LOU-BEE: "Michael McDonald ruined the Doobie Brothers."
• BIG BILL: "Your brother announced he's not taking the LSAT. He's decided to become a Navy fighter pilot instead."
• DR. J: "Yeah, my in-laws worked security for the Parish Festival on Thursday Night. What did they do? I have no idea. They could entertain themselves with phucking toothpicks."
• HAMSTER: "I love church festival food!"
• DEREK: "Choco Taco? Sounds dirty! I'll be there."
• MS. J: "Just what Lou needs, a funnel cake."

I Know Work is Stressing Me Out When . . .

• I text Lori repeatedly at lunchtime about how I am NOT gonna give in to the overwhelming urge to ingest all sorts of unhealthy food choices


• I spontaneously begin making my "grrr!" sound at the slightest provocation (and sometimes when there's none at all)


• I come back from lunch and sit in my car, A/C on full blast, close my eyes, and turn Hall & Oates up way loud on the radio (guilty pleasure -- yes, I am a fan)
• I begin to fret that I won't make it to the gym that night, because I have too much shit to do
• I am mentally whining about needing to see Brenda
• I start making lists of which Legislators need an ass whuppin'
• I wish in earnest that I could end every day by climbing into a hot tub
  

Part 2, Ugh

So I am about 12 hours away from this hideous procedure. You know it's bad when the RE tells you ahead of time. His phrase of "excruciating hell" keeps bouncing around in my already overtaxed brain.

I was emotionally spent from the home study this afternoon, and did not really feel like hauling ass to the Y afterwards. But watching Oprah interview formerly fat people motivated me. So did the knowledge that after tomorrow I will have to take a few days off from working out, since my whole va-jay-jay region (yes, taking this word straight from the vocabulary of the t.v. show "Grey's Anatomy") is going to be in "some pain." I hate that. I resent not being able to engage in something that helps me relieve stress, improves my mood, and lets me have some measure of control over my body.

Tonight, once again, sleeping in the Marines t-shirt. More channeling of tough guys: Dad, Noah, Col. Hunt, Mitch Rapp (don't care if he's fictional), and my hairstylist Shannen (who's been three, done that, and never flinches when I admit being scared or start to cry).

Dig deep, chickie poo.

So THIS is Feminism?

In the interest of full disclosure, back in college I was a self-proclaimed Feminist. But around the time I started grad school, I began to see the light. The light shown even brighter while living out in The Land of Fruits & Nuts & Flakes, and now I am a happily sassy, good-looking, red, white & true Conservative! My pendulum has even swung far in the other direction on matters of Pro-Life v. Pro-Abortion (sorry, "choice"? Use that word and you are stupidly letting the opposition frame the argument, suckers).

Anyhoo . . .

Came across this article this morning:

Infanticide, Abortion Responsible for 60 Million Girls Missing in Asia

Granted, I am inclined to take this DAMN personally right about now. Try being me and not being offended by this?! But actually, everyone should be outraged!

It has me so pissed off, so angry, so hurt. It's not news to me, as I have been well-aware of it for a good decade. Still, it astounds me that people still cling to the ridiculous notion that abortion is somehow good for women? Which women? The 60 million is Asia who have been MURDERED?

How about the 45 million babies who have been murdered since abortion was legalized in the United States? Let's see, if one-half of those were female . . . 22.5 million little girls (some of whom might have grown up to be liberal Feminists) have had their lives extinguished.

And please, spare me the whole "what about rape and incest" argument. Yes, those are terrible, and RARE occurrences. While I have been sexually assaulted, I can not imagine that overwhelming horror. I know that it is STILL an abortion, still a Human Life that is being taken. I am willing to allow for these rare circumstances, so long as these women receive extreme counseling, and are introduced to a loving American couple or social service agency who stand ready and willing to bend over backwards to support them through their recovery, and ADOPT their baby when born (and make sure they are taken care of financially).

Yes, "saving the life of the mother" is a valid and legitimate argument. But again, rare. And even the most restrictive laws on the books allow for all three of these exceptions.

The flaws in the Abortion argument are so huge and gaping. And yet people get sucked into them every day. Lucky for them they didn't get sucked into a sink before they had a chance to voice that opinion.

When Part 1 of 2 Turns Out to Have a 3

I thought I'd only have to be brave for 2 more tests, then get to wave "buh-bye" to all of the medical and emotional bullshit Dr. J and I have been coping with. Turns out Part 1 is necessitating there to be a Part 3 (i.e. surgery). I'd shake my head and say "unbelievable," but then again this is my completely phucked up reality, so it's just par for the course (and I don't mean Oakmont).

So I had the SonoHSG test yesterday morning. They first take measurements of your uterus (with the transvaginal ultrasound wand -- like inserting a big curling iron in your tutu, hee hee), then doctor inserts speculum, then threads catheter through cervix and into uterus. Then saline is injected through catheter into uterus. Speculum pulled out, transvaginal wand reinserted, and ultrasound photos taken and displayed on monitor. Mmmm, yummy, eh?! LOL!

Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (yes, I am still worked up over last year's full-fledged HSG test) . Granted, I popped a percocet about 90 minutes prior. Thank you, Dr. J.

However . . . they did find a 6 mm polyp in my uterus. RE does not think it's cancer -- his exact words, but it needs to come out. He is much more concerned about it causing or contributing to m/c's. RE says I can wait until August to have out, if I want to (I do -- I need a break in July, and some peace). And that my regular OB/Gyn will do surgery, under anethesia, at a hospital.

I think that I have gotten so freakin' used to bad news that my reactions to things are so flat and inappropriate it borders on insane. For example, when the doctor showed my the polyp on the screen and said I needed surgery, the following 3 things were the FIRST that I thought of:

1. Huh . . . I wonder how much a polyp weighs? Will I be lighter after it's out?
2. Phuck, I am gonna have to skip a few gym workouts due to phucking surgical recovery time. Dammit.
3. Hmmm, if it's cancer, I need to hide it from our adoption caseworker.

I still am having to have the endometrial biopsy next Tuesday. THAT is the hellish painful one (in RE's words). Two percocet that morning, for sure.

I am SO not looking forward to sharing all of this with Big Bill when he comes over for brunch on Sunday. He will not hear a thing after "cancer" (though it's unlikely, and I truly don't think it is). He'll turn green, then start rocking back and forth in his chair -- his drill, when he gets nervous about medical stuff with one of his kids, his sister, or niece. I like that he worries, though?! Makes me feel better, somehow, like someone is caring for me.

Good gawd, I am sooooo sick of all of this. I'd throw in the towel and flip off all of these people who insist on being up my wazoo if I could erase all doubts about cancer (and that's for Big Bill's sake, not my own).

I NEED A CALGON MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being Brave

Okay, so I can admit I am getting more and more nervous . . . but I know that I have to keep going, in order to hopefully get some answers.

Maybe nervous is not the word . . . yep, I think fear has fully crept into my mental house, and is plunking her suitcase down. She is expecting to move in. I may have to let her.

Tired of being Ms. Tough Cookie all the time, and with the vivid memory of the last time I had something even close to this done to my body . . . I am trying my best to cope with the fact that, um, tomorrow is going to probably hurt. And what I have to undergo the following week will be, in the doctor's words, feel like "excruciating hell." Well, I appreciate that he isn't bullshitting me! There's nothing I hate more than being surprised, so I value that he played it straight with me.

So tonight I am taking my frequent advice to others, and doing some "channeling" of others, in the hopes that I can steal a bit of their strength to get me through Part I, tomorrow. With this in mind, I am sleeping in my favorite old Marines t-shirt that my Dad brought me home from one of his reunions. I am going to think about people who are REALLY tough, like Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Cops, and try to put myself into some "zone" if you will -- with the hopes of pulling myself through to the other side of Part I tomorrow.

But who knows, it may just boil down to remembering the time, only a few months ago, when my Dad said that the thing that marked his children, three very, very different children . . . was that each was strong. Maybe that's enough.

I Am Running Away

This thought has been very tempting lately. Like when you hear a little kid whine that life is unfair, and they are going to run away? And so you indulge them, being sympathetic but amused, and inquire "What would you take with you? And where would you go?"


If only it were that easy.


Oh hell, I wouldn't enjoy myself anyway if I did. Gawd, do I ever relax? Hell no. It's only the stress and tension holding my decrepit body together, anyway.


So maybe a compromise is to run away . . . virtually. Yeah, that's right, online. I can map out my big escape plan -- dream as big as I want, no limits (especially self-imposed), with complete freedom to be as wild as I choose. Now that tempting, isn't it?!


Okay, so where to go . . . well this is MY daydream, so it can be for an extended period of time and to multiple places, right? So here's where I am going (flying first class, obviously):

• Australia -- I want to visit ALL of it, like Bill Bryson did in his terrific book. All the cities, even the strange, quirky ones. And of course, the terrific vineyards.
• Hyatt at Gainey Ranch -- Location of probably my happiest childhood memories with my Dad, and the place I truly had one gorgeously tranquil moment of peace as an adult.
• Balboa Park -- Located in sunny San Diego, it is one of my favorite places in CA. And of course, Nicole is just minutes away . . . if anyone can inject a whopping dose of escapism, it's her!
• Sonoma & Napa Counties, CA -- Specifically, my beloved Chateau St. Jean, with a quick sidetrip to Cakebread, too (both finds that must be credited to Adrian/ManHands).

I should dash home and pack. Really.

I wonder if Kirsten would fit in a suitcase? Probably only if it were a Louis Vuitton.

Acronym School

I don't even know where to begin . . . I'm no angel, but sometimes even I stumble across these moments in which I feel like an Amish schoolgirl, sweet and innocent, and unknowing.

So as Dr. J and I were falling asleep last night, we watched one of those classic VH1 offerings, called "40 Most Softsational Soft Rock Songs" -- you know, one of those it's so bad it's good episodes?! We LOVE those shows, especially since we can entertain each other for hours with our own non-stop smart ass remarks about what we see and observe on t.v. and in public (gawd, do we love to peoplewatch!)

Anyhoo, as they are reviewing these awesomely bad songs, mainly from the 70's and 80's, they have comedians offer smart ass remarks throughout. So during the recap of one song, some female comedian makes a crack about "JBF Hair".

"JBF Hair"??? Dr. J and I look at each other -- WTF is that?!

JBF Hair . . . JBF Hair . . . awesomely bad soft rock songs . . . JBF Hair . . . what does this mean?!?!?!

OHMIGAWD -- then it hits us!

JUST BEEN FUCKED HAIR!!!

LOL! Yeah, you know it, girl! Half your hair is still styled/curled, the other sweaty, or straight, or has some jism substance dried in it . . . ROTFLMAO! Ohmigawd, we were wide awake, laughing like two higher-than-kite frat boys!

I consider myself "hip" to the lingo the kids use nowadays, but "JBF Hair" is new to me, and Dr. J! I will be checking with my 20 year old brother, "Mr. Bill," to see if this term is making the rounds on college campuses.

How psyched am I to have LEARNED SOMETHING OF VALUE last night?!

Of course, we immediately thought of Jesse, and what tales of JBF Hair he may have to tell -- now and in the future!!!

Can't wait to hear Jesse work this phrase into his latest tale of debauchery!!!

Alum Rock vs. Cory Heights

(I can't go to sleep without commenting on this one . . . every time I move I get a physical reminder).

So now that summer is here, I am anxious to resume my favorite warm weather hobby of hiking. I always was a fan of walking outdoors (surprising, consider my awful childhood allergies). But I kinda fell into hiking when we lived in Kal-ee-forn-yah. It was partly because of the amazing scenery that is so prevalent in the Bay Area, partly because it was a way to "sneak" in some exercise, and partly because it's a free and fun thing to do.

The best hikes were probably those in Yosemite (gosh, we have thee funniest photos from that outing), and Big Basin (redwoods, need I say more?). We frequented Rancho San Antonio quite a bit, as well as Stevens Creek, Almaden Quicksilver, Coyote Creek, and the Los Gatos Creek trails.

But the one that KICKED OUR ASS was Alum Rock. Oi Vey. The M-F'er was soooo steep! Even the horses that passed us on the trail seemed to have a desperate look in their eyes, lol.

So anyhoo, near our house there is this road we sometimes drive as a shortcut to Dr. J's office. It is VERY steep, and at the top of the hill is a very peaceful-looking and beautifully maintained cemetary. (I am strangely comfortable in a cemetary, probably since my grandparents dragged me to tons of them when I was a little girl, pulling up weeds around our ancestors graves, placing flags on the patriotic holidays, and so on).

But back to hiking. I have measured with my car's odometer, and this steep hill is a half-mile, and all incline, baby. Each time we drive it I comment to Dr. J, "gawd, remember when Alum Rock kicked our ass?" and he nods in complete agreement.

So yesterday, still not ready to resume attending church, I decided I was gonna finally tackle the hill.

It was not easy. But I am giving Dr. Dre lots of credit for getting me to the top (shitty video, but GREAT song IF you listen to it in it entirety -- gotta love how he mixed in an old school rhythm). It was so friggin' humid, and I was sweating my ass off, literally. But I always feel like I have accomplished something when I get to a summit. And this time was no exception.

I still think that Alum Rock wins, in a head-to-head battle. But then again, Alum Rock wasn't paved, and I am in much better shape now.

So 24 hours later, I am feeling the effects of the steep climb . . . my glutes are sore! But I am definitely inspired to repeat this suburban climb, and begin planning real hikes for each weekend from now on.

Deep Breath . . . Don't Stop on a Thought for Too Long

With so many things on my mind tonight, it's hard to settle on just one topic to write (vent) about. This is typical for me, whenever I have a long car ride all by my lonesome, and then have to sit through meetings at a conference -- it's like a constant monologue in my head, jumping from one topic to another, never settling on one for long -- but thinking that there is plenty of writing material for each topic that pops into my head.


So rather than try to figure out which possible blog topic would be most worthy or interesting of my time, I think I'll just post the possible titles of what the blog entries would have been. Who knows, maybe someday I will actually want expound upon one of them in the future (eh, so-so). Nonetheless, here they are:

• Blue Sky Moments, I Forget
• Why Exertion is Better than Exercise
• If Money Were Not A Factor
• The List of People I'd Like to Strangle
• The Perfect Two-Week Vacation (which really would take four)
• Regrets, Part I
• Adrian's Boring Hobbies
• Can You Buy a Time Machine on E-Bay?
• Great Bay Area Hikes
• Fear or Pain -- What's Worse?
• If Jesse Had His Own Realty Show . . .
• In Search Of Just ONE Good Night of Sleep
• Noah Speaks (Not)
• The Slowest Clock

Hopefully my brain will clear and my literary mojo will come back soon.

I really could go for Indian food right now (wait, that sounds like another entry). Sigh.

This Time, It Was My Glasses. Unbefuckingly believable.

It's happened again! YET AGAIN. I am an excellent packer, when it comes to trips. I do it fairly quickly, semi-efficiently, and am especially good at rolling my clothes to maximize space. I have enough travel-sized toiletries to mark me as a frequent traveler (though not "road warrior" status). And yet, each time, no matter how careful I am, I seem to ALWAYS forget something.

This time it was my glasses. Of course, I noticed AFTER I had washed my makeup off, and had taken off my contacts, and was fumbling around in my one bag searching for them. Which lead to a frantic call to Dr. J who confirmed they were at home, and gallantly offered to overnight mail them to me. Of course, I declined, citing the ol' "we need the money for other things" excuse.

Sigh. Gawd, I could smack myself sometimes.

Wishing I was at home, curling up on my massive bed, in my glasses right now. Dammit.

You Don't Really Wanna Mess With Me Tonight

(Okay, so it's a song by Pink, who I am currently loathing, but that line is empowering).

I had SUCH a shitty day on Thursday. In addition to getting two more announcements about people being pregnant and having to fake joy for others (please people, STOP telling us), I had to have the post-D&C check-up appointment -- which was emotional for me and Dr. J for a whole host of obvious reasons. Then I had to inquire with the office manager at my doctor's office about what I can only refer to as "the insurance issue" having to do with the Explanation of Benefits (EOB) received in the mail from my insurance company. While it was comforting to learn that the doctor's office was appalled, and assured me that the hospital would NEVER permit such a classification on my EOB, and thus my beef was with the insurance company . . . I know I have a huge phucking fight with UPMC looming on the horizon. One for which I doubt I have the strength, let alone time, and yet I know MUST be done. I have never been one to pursue a path of least resistance, and always stand up for both myself and principles, yet as worn out emotionally, mentally, psychological, and physically as I am . . . I know that I will have to deal with this in a timely matter.

I have long been diagnosed with low blood pressure. Seriously. In fact, after the D & C at the hospital we were about to get in the elevator to leave when I began to black out because it was only 65/43, and I had to be rushed back into the surgical recovery room so anesthesiologist could give me something to "perk me up." It took an hour to get me up to 73/55. So, anyhoo, at the Ob/Gyn office on Thursday & after discussing "the insurance issue," they checked my blood pressure and it was up, WAY up. Gee, I wonder why?

Back to matters at hand.

Look out UPMC, "I am about to go to war." And UPMC, I assure you that you do NOT want to take me on. If I have to get every Pro-Life organization in the USA, the Pittsburgh Catholic Newspaper, and the Vatican (which I have learned has OVERSIGHT on the pending merger of Mercy Hospital into the UPMC system) . . . I will do just that. Because I don't give a shit if it's what the "medical billing code" UPMC went with, I will NOT allow the billing code of "Missed Abortion, Comp Surgical" to be on my insurance history.

I did NOT have an abortion. I would NOT have an abortion. Mercy Hospital does NOT perform abortions. My Ob/Gyn practice will NOT perform abortions.

It was a baby. She stopped growing. She died in my body. I had to have a D & C. Women often have D & C's even when they have NOT been pregnant. Does this mean THEY had an abortion? Hell no! Then why the phuck does it say it on mine?!

It's bad enough dealing with the INCREDIBLY STUPID AND INSENSITIVE BULLSHIT THINGS people have said to myself and Dr. J over the past couple of years. And trust me when I say it continual happens. NOW, we get the "insult to injury" from UPMC! WTF?!

The only thing that wound up saving me on Thursday night was my dear (and aforementioned) "Hamster." We've been good friends since 8th grade, ever since what she and I refer to as "The Gumby and Pokey Incident." But it's amazing how our friendship has deepened over the past few years. Even more amazing . . . she is due with her first baby in July. It hardly makes sense that the friend who it would seem it would be most difficult to talk with about how much pain and struggle I am going through, would actually be the friend who comforts me the most . . . who validates my feelings, who makes me feel not quite-so-insane, who assures me that INDEED, I am not being overly sensitive -- rather I am truly running into assholes and idiots every time I turn around!

I sometimes wonder what the heck she is getting out of useless me, but I think I caught a glimpse of it as we talked late into the night on Thursday, as my Hamster has been unable to sleep normally due to her growing body (she is teeny-tiny, and feels like she has swallowed a beach ball). As she we talked about how nervous sonograms make her (she's had to have more than the usual number, due to some medical issues she has), strategies for her to avoid the breast-feeding nazis, her anxiety about the scheduled Caesarean, how scared she is about the pain afterwards . . . I found myself easily and genuinely comforting her, supporting her, cheering her on, helping her brainstorm and role-play, assuring HER that she is NOT crazy, and that she is entitled to be scared, anxious, apprehensive, and so on.

And I meant every single word.

Here we were, supporting and comforting each other, despite our very different situations. Confessing our deepest fears, our head-shaking frustrations, our most secret pain -- the kind that only comes out late in the night, between two people who can truly connect.

Hamster is a mathematician. And we were talking about how some of the percentiles the doctors tell her at each sonogram make her nervous. I pointed out it's an occupational hazard for her, since she deals in numbers to make her living. Then I gave her, and me, an equation to ponder . . . . She is due in July. . . . We will be adopting a little girl who will be approximately 15-20 months old, when we get her in about 14-18 months from now. So our kids will be . . . about the same age . . . um, playdate, anyone?!

The mommies will be having champagne as we recline in our lawn chairs, we assure you.

Dad, Meet Jesse. . . . Jesse, Meet My Dad!

Okay, so there are 5 of us all dialed into this crazy exchange of dating stories, which are both outrageous and highly entertaining: Me (code name: FireCracker), Adrian (ManHands), Kirsten (Chrissie/2.0), Dr. J (Doc), and Jesse (um, just Jesse?!).

Mainly, we live vicariously through Jesse's INSANE, often downright heinous, yet highly successful stories of bedding chicks. Usually these stories involve a mix of the serious consumption of booze, twisted logic, and a high degree of mental karate.

Dr. J and I believe Jesse has GOT to be my father's long lost son -- his antics just remind me of my Dad, back in his heyday. Only Jesse is even more brazen.

So my Dad came over this weekend to help Dr. J move a heavy piece of furniture from the basement to the kitchen. Dr. J had cooked a delicious assortment of brunch foods, and we three sat around chatting while chowing down.

We began relating some of the Jesse stories to Dad (a.k.a. "Big Bill"), and how Jesse had expressed his delight in some of my Dad's great lines and attitudes. Big Bill LOVED the stuff about Jesse defiling young Darci at a party with her boyfriend and family present, which caught Big Bill's attention and had him remarking "Whoa! I've never been THAT bold!" He loved it, though.

And THEN, Big Bill gave the following delicious anecdote (a monologue) . . . .

"I remember in my bachelor days, that would be in-between marriages when I was not quite so fat, I was driving that great black Lincoln, remember that car, honey (me)? And I would make sure I'd pull it up real slow in front of this one bar, so that everyone would see it out front, and the women would see me getting out of it. I'd walk in, and spot some woman sitting at the bar, all dolled up, alone. I'd get a drink, then try to strike up a conversation with her. They always would say they were just grabbing a drink after work, and try to make it sound accidental that I would happen upon them there, by themself. Yeah, right! I'd look them straight in the eye and say . . . 'Honey, c'mon, who you kidding? You're sitting here alone, drinking a $4 glass of wine -- who are you kidding? You tell your old man you were going to a tupperware party? Why don't we cut to the chase, and you just tell me what time you have to be home tonight?!' Man, those were the days."

WE WERE LAUGHING SO HARD IT HURT!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so proud -- yep, that's how MY DAD ROLLED!

Reaching for My Bootstraps

I don't really want to "move on," as they say. I mean WTF does that mean, anyway?! I will never get over what has happened, and part of me will always be broken. So I try to go through the motions, to make it through the day, I suppose. Maybe some part of my old routine will help me learn to keep living, and be open to joy again. But I know that I need to do different and new things right now, and am going to seek out those paths and experiences, too.

But first, back to matters of routine.

I sorta did and sorta didn't want to go back to the gym and start putting my wracked body together again. I have missed my hardcore workouts terribly (not to mention feeling proud of the results). But at the same time, resuming these workouts means acknowledging that something has changed inside of me -- confronting it, if you will, and trying to work through some of those feelings.

This was so painfully clear to me when I went to Dr. J's office yesterday, to have him adjust me. While he had me hooked up to the stim machine, I asked him to rub my shoulders (where I always carry my tension), and my legs too. He obliged, and a few minutes into it, I found myself crying . . . the realization that my body was in desperate need of receiving positive touch, and the endorphins that make you feel positive accordingly . . . I have been so thoroughly poked and prodded for the past couple of years, and then add the excruciating physical pain of recent, and it hit me that I need to get back to doing things that feel good.

Anyhoo, this brings me to the gym. I tried to go yesterday, but my heart wasn't in it, and my body felt sore (yes, "down there"). So I flaked out on going. But today I knew I just needed to go again -- to sweat, to exert, to push, to lose myself through a combination of some frenetic workout and pulsating music in my ears.

So I did.

And I was so glad I did. It felt wonderful. I was surprised that I still had the endurance to have a quality cardio workout. I was pleased that my muscle tone hadn't completely left me, as I was able to resume weightlifting (albeit at a lower level since I am still semi-medically restricted). It felt so good to have this part of myself back, something I remembered enjoying before.

Now while I have little doubt that will I be complaining of aches and pains tomorrow, it was good to be able to have the release today. And I was proud of myself for taking this step, at least in my mind, to put myself back together, even if just a tiny bit.

Lost

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I know that I don't have to write about it, but to not do so feels like I am not honoring what has happened. So here goes . . . .

I will remember how resigned we were. Then I remember how surprised we were less than24 hours later.

I will remember how we cried, and thanked God, and asked him to watch over us.

I will remember how excited Lori was, and how Jay took the credit. And how we credited Dozen cupcakes as being the secret ingredient.

I will remember how nervous we were about waiting for the numbers. And how euphoric we were at how good, how high, how positive they were, both times.

I will remember Sandi being speechless when I told her, how she cried tears of happpiness for us.

I will remember plotting to tell my Mom, and how she hugged me so tightly when when finally did.

I will remember feeling that maybe, just maybe, our luck had changed, and that this would finally be our year.

I remember thinking that Christmas would be so much more special, and not hurt this year, like it did last year.

I remember Kirsten's constant reassurance, and laughing about how "everything will be punctuated by a nervous swipe." I remember thinking it I was insane, but being glad I could share the experience with her, 3000 miles away.

I remember how good it felt to have the anger, the frustration, and the sadness finally begin to fade away, and maybe this time for good.

I remember realizing that it only takes one.

I remember the excitement and joy on the face of the guy I thought I'd wind up marrying, when I told him the news. How happy he was for me, and how happy I was for him, and how much I liked meeting his wife. And how happy I was to be married to my husband instead.

Then I remember trying to quell my fears about the ultrasound. And I remember trying to shrug off those nerves, and trying to draw upon my long-advocated advice of "just fake confidence" when I climbed up on that table.

Then I only sorta remember getting the bad news that she was too tiny. And I barely remember my husband helping me to the car, whimpering "this can't be happening again" along the way. But I remember waiting, the whole car ride home, to wake up from this nightmare.

And I remember our doctor trying to be supportive, but getting us prepared mentally, at the same time. And my husband taking these phone calls because I just couldn't.

And I remember trying to be positive, through the fear. And going to work the next day, in order to keep myself busy.

And I remember how scared I was, when the cramping started. And how I knew. I knew. I knew. I didn't want to know. But I knew.

I remember the doctor's office immediately springing into action, taking me seriously, putting a doctor on right away, helping me to come up with a plan, should the worst happen.

And I sorta remember driving to the office to do more bloodwork, and telling myself I had to keep the tears out of my eyes, so I didn't crash and kill us both, just in case there still was a chance.

I remember us going home, and how the cramping got worse. And how when we looked at each other, I saw the tears in my husband's eyes.

And I remember him kissing my tummy, as we tried to say goodbye to her, but knowing it might be the last moment we were a family, together. And I know I will always rememebr it as the most beautiful, and most tragic, moment of my life. Ever.

I remember the three of us laying in bed, holding on to each other, caressing her through my body, whispering to her, and to each other, as the sun went down.

I remember all of the endless praying, reminiscent of last time this happened, in which I made all sorts of deals with God, if he would just spare her, if he would just come through for us, for her. I remember our wonderful priest telling me it wasn't my fault, that I didn't cause it through any action or inaction, and that sometimes God steps in when they are too sick or too tiny to make it on their own.

I remember the test results the following morning, confirming the worst. I don't remember all that much from that day, just that the physical pain got worse, wracking my body. I know that I took one of my husband's leftover percocets to get through the night. I remember wanting the pain to subside, but yet knowing that when it would be over, she would be gone from me, forever.

I remember my father, never prone to emotion, jumping up to embrace me when I walked into the room, and holding me as these awful sobs escaped from my mouth. And how he stroked me head.

I remember that the people at the hospital were so kind, so sympathetic, so supportive. The OB's from our practice, the nurses, the anesthesiologist, all were so amazing. How we were glad to hear that they would be able to do some tests on her, and maybe, just maybe, give us some answers as the the painful "Why, again?" that hangs out there. I remember how the process seemed almost cathartic, and brought me some peace.

I remember thinking that I can't go on, and that I don't want to. I remember telling my husband this, and how it scares him to hear those words from me, but knowing I would have to go on, for him. Just as he needs to go on, for me.

I remember being shocked, even distrubed, by the sounds the I make when I start to sob, and thinking that they must be unique to grief so deep.

I remember being cognizant, repeatedly, just how strong my husband is, and how that would surprise most people. And how I hate that he is my soft landing from the highest of falls, but am constantly aware of how much I need him to be that for me. He helps me to remember that she is not in pain, that she is with God, and that she is happy.

I remember it all. I am not trying to forget. I couldn't. I won't. It's just so gutwrenchingly hard to remember it all at once. And I just wish it wouldn't hurt, forever.

Ode to Me

So Adrian wrote me an "Ode" the other night. Kirsten accused her of being drunk and bored. Adrian claims she was sober and laying in bed with her blackberry (guess SilentNoah was out protecting people who don't deserve or appreciate him).

Anyhoo, here is Adrian's "Ode to _ _ _ " [note: Adrian is one of 2 people allowed to call me by the shortened form of my name . . . the other one being the Hamster].

Without further ado:

" _ _ _ XXXXXXX (insert my name -- leaving it out for privacy reasons)
She's not foolin
Major politicians
They be wishin'
What she's dishen
(Toss red hair)
She's got flair. "


Kirsten, is Adrian just a frustrated cowgirl poet? I guess so long as she doesn't go all Brokeback on us, we can tolerate her new hobby. It sure beats her collection of quarters, or taking blurry photos of birds through rainy windows.

Of course, her true skill remains building bars, and copping to her "vonage" moments.

Time For Presents!

Okay, so the past week or so has been a ROUGH one for me, for several reasons, and my girlfriends know it. And I wish with all of my heart I could shower them back with affection -- cause there aren't enough words or money for me to properly express my gratefulness for all that they have done to prop me up.

SO INSTEAD . . . I have decided to use this blog entry to send them virtual gifts, as a sign of my endless love.

Girls, here you go:

* ADRIAN -- a.k.a. ManHands -- For being the quirky, strange, yet glamorous, beautiful, cowgirl, I salute you with (quote inserted as to what I thought you would utter when opening the gift):

• "Oooh, ooh, Chrissie, I think I just saw another bird!"
• "Angels, I told him it was you two sluts who convinced me in the first place!"

* KIRSTEN -- a.k.a Chrissie, a.k.a. 2.0 -- For cheering me up, and cheering me on, and yet still being the materialistic b*tch I adore, you are receiving:

• "When I heard the fire alarm, I grabbed one of my twins, and LV, and dashed for the stairs. I think my husband grabbed the other twin."
• "I am 2.0, and have fans all over the world to satisfy. Now leave Mommy alone and go hassle Aunt Adrian - but watch out she doesn't crush you in the palm of her ManHand, and don't knock over Aunt Adrian's martini, whatever you do!"

* LORI -- a.k.a Coach -- For continually being the greatest treasure I have ever found, my closest friend, and the one woman I completely trust with all of my shit:

• "Oooh, Red Velvet . . . the South rises again!"
• "Sure, I'll help you shop -- and you deserve it!"
• "So long as we wind up in San Diego!"

* LISA -- a.k.a. Hamster -- For being supportive about me needing to cut ties with the past, and move on with life, and being an amazingly sensitive friend, who never fails to elicit a giggle out of me:

• "I know it's odd, but I just have this really strong urge to go there!"
• "Wait, ClooMan, what does YOURS say?!"
• "Let's Get This Slumber Party Started!"
• "ClooNNan, would you see to it that JOY gets one of these? Bob, too!"
• "Oh I'm UP for another round of surveillance! Now do we wanna get pizza or tacos to drop off? And remember, no meat on Mitul's delivery!"

* SANDI -- a.k.a. Pooper-Scooper, a.k.a. Inch High Private Eye -- For having the best ear and most comforting shoulder, for being witness to the wacky people who raised us, and always reassuring me that I am not crazy after all:

• "Just so long as your Dad or my Mom aren't driving us there!"
• "Wait, when are you going next? Can you hold Maya while I try on something?!"
• "I'm just gonna lie and say I had a kid not long ago and forgot to wear 'em."

Luckily for all of you, I will NOT hold you to writing me a thank-you note (though you all know you are dealing with "Queen of The Notes")! Just send me a lil' virutal token in return!

MWAH!!!!!!!!

Work Hard . . . Play Harder

Exercise, for many years now, has been of great importance to me. Sure, sometimes my commitment is stronger some months than others, but it never completely wanes. Probably because I don't let it. I know how important it is to my health and my self-esteem, and how it carries over to all other aspects of my life, both personal and professional. And since I am not one for excuses, I know the buck stops here, and I take responsibility for my body.

There are few things better than the sense of accomplishment after a good workout at the gym. Except maybe for the rush your body feels just at the end, which lingers on afterwards, making you feel calm, satisfied, relaxed, proud, and so on.

I love the feeling of when I am really pushing my body hard, at what I think has got to be it's limit, breathing hard, sweaty as all get out, and certain I am gonna pass out from exhaustion at any moment . . . when suddenly, that little extra burst of endurance or strength kicks in, and I find myself going further than I thought possible. And the feeling after such a workout? Amazing. It's somewhere between a craving or intoxication, and it keeps me coming back for more.

Sure, not every workout achieves such maximum levels of fitness, and sometimes you either feel like going slow or you need to. But on Friday, having the day off from work, I was inspired to really kick it up a few notches. So I did.

Of course, the saying goes "No Pain, No Gain" . . . and I can't deny my body had a few aches on Saturday when I woke up. But I think that just goes to prove that the workout was in earnest.

I can be soft and make excuses when I am old. For now, I am more interested in being the best I can be.

Random Thoughts From A Scheduled Weekend

During a very "busy" weekend, my mind managed to wander significantly. All sorts of unconnected thoughts ran through my head, especially when I was taking one of much-needed long walks, with my Ipod turned up as loud as it would go. So much has occurred since Friday, and at times it kind of ran together . . . so what better way to honor these events and thoughts by recording them?

• I told Kirsten I feared I was developing a callus, and she in turn me her charming yogurt story. What a riot! The moral of the story? Air it out.
• Lori's boyfriend Jay was in the same fraternity as Dr. J . . . oi vey, was the bonding in earnest when they discovered that about each other?! Oh yeah, "Men of Excellence - since 1852."
• I would forgo sex for a plate of Pamela's home fries. Unless the sex was with Pippy.
• Thank gawd Dozen is as many miles away as it is. Or I'd lose all self-control.
• I want to go see Nicole, Adrian, and Kirsten almost as badly as I want a reason to not be able to go see them.
• Theme Songs are important, and telling.
• WHCG is really coming together!
• Despite an Ipod full of choices, there are probably only 5 songs I truly rely on to kick my ass into high gear at the gym. And 1 song I need to avoid, because it still makes me cry.
• I am desperate need of a sign. Or resolution.
• Dr. J is probably thee best person to people-watch with, because he's downright brutal.
• A used up tube of toothpaste makes for a great comedic device.
• I feel like I've won the lottery when Father Mike is at Mass. And like I'm being punished when it's Father Bernie. And it's obvious the rest of the congregation feels the same.
• Lori enjoyed my theory that "When people stop having sex, they go to Lowe's."
• Dime-sized hail makes a damn funny sound on our fire escape. Oh shit, I hope our future house is okay? And an even BIGGER "oh shit" thought -- if I am thinking something like that, maybe I am turning into a homeowner after all?!?!
• My husband's chicken cacciatore still rocks.

In Vino Veritas

Last night I had a splendid time with my most adorable friend. I don't get to see her as often as I'd like (though that seems to be changing, since her job is now closer to mine, and we can meet in the middle), but we are in such regular contact that when we are together it's like we never skipped a beat.

She is unlike anybody I have ever met . . . and she is in love! I have never seen her so happy in the, gosh, 4+ years I have been blessed to know her. But as blissful and excited as she is, I think I am even MORE thrilled and jubilant than she -- not because she found someone . . . but because some guy was lucky enough to capture her heart.

That's right, HE is truly one lucky man, to have the love of such a special person. I can't wait to meet him this weekend, too.

She is my treasure, a light in my life that never dims, no matter what I am going through.

And I love her to the moon and back again.

"Car Wars . . . "

[Cue mental image of that old "Saturday Night Live" sketch of Bill Murray as lounge singer, singing "Star Wars, nothing more than Star Wars . . . "]

Continuing on with my car saga, I called the dealership on Monday morning, as my girl was letting me know that she could only give me a few more miles of oomph before I had to deal with what I have come to refer to as "The Whole Wingnut Issue." Sigh.

Luckily, Chuck the Mechanic understood my description of the problem -- so I either I explained it really well or Chuck is a mind reader. Probably both. So Chuck tells me to bring 'er on in at the end of the day.

My car limped, and I mean limped, to the dealership. Fortunately, a kind soul took pity on me, picking me up at the dealership and safely depositing me at home. I did offer a small bribe, though, so maybe he was incentivized, lol?!

Eureka! This afternoon, while I was busy in a meeting that, while much was accomplished, just . . . wouldn't . . . end . . . the dealership actually called my cell phone FIVE TIMES to tell me that my girl had been fixed, and was ready for pickup! And the price was right, too, hee-hee!!! (Cheaper than a new VS bra, for those of you keeping tally!)

So I was reunited with my girl this afternoon. She purred. And I breathed a huge, happy, and contented sigh of relief!

Does Anyone Own a Mirror Anymore?

I am not trying to be a bitch here, I swear. It's just that I can't ignore this any further, and it's increasingly driving me nuts whenever I venture to the mall, Target, Wal-Mart, etc.

WHY are more and more women insisting on wearing clothes that are AT LEAST two sizes too small for them? I am so sick of seeing rolls of fat poking out from under some chick's too tight shirt! And let's not forget the gal who, because she has big boobs, thinks that this entitles her to squeeze into a scoop-neck top that not only gives us quite a view, but also forces us to confront her "back fat" as well! (I admit, back fat is one of my biggest visual pet peeves -- if you have back fat, that's fine -- but must we all have to view it in public?!).

Today, I spotted a nice-enough looking (though overly tanned) twentysomething girl at the checkout line with her boyfriend. She had on a top that was way too tight across her belly, which only made it look all that much worse (hint: try a few more sit-ups and a few less beers, sweetie!) This shirt was paired with a REALLY short jean skirt that barely skimmed her butt! I mean, c'mon?! It'd be one thing if she was a hot chick with a smokin' bod to match, but she was NOT all that! Her thighs were already heavy, and the skirt just made it look soooo much worse!

Now, so there is no misunderstanding, I am NOT even touching the growing obesity problem in America (I'll save that for another post). I am merely asking the women of America to take a good, honest look in the mirror before they wear something out in public! If you want to carry around a few pounds, eat to your heart's content, not exercise, so be it. But for gawd's sake, please STOP wearing clothes your body is clearly not made for!

Listen Dude, I HAVE to Get Home!

If I didn't have the opportunity to record some of the bizarre things that happen to me, I would begin to think I had imagined all of them. Take Thursday, for example . . .

I was in D.C. to attend a daylong training seminar. Though useful for my job (I suppose), it was long and boring. As I have a hard time sitting still, I was bouncing of the walls by the time we were paroled at 5:15 p.m. I hopped a cab back to my hotel to retrieve my luggage and car. Then I set out for home.

Or so I tried.

About 30 miles outside of D.C. my car just didn't feel right. This didn't make much sense, since I had the oil changed/fluids topped/yadda only 2 days prior. But the car was losing her juice, and finally I had to pull over to the side of the road. And pray. And quietly stew. And remind myself that this has happened before (last year, also in D.C. on a biz trip), and I survived that time, too. Only the previous time it wasn't dark out, or raining, and I DESPERATELY NEEDED TO GET HOME!!!

After a few minutes on the side of road, I managed to restart the car, and together we limped off an exit ramp and into a Sheetz station. It was already 7:10 p.m., and I was supposed to be fasting in advance of bloodwork scheduled for 7:00 a.m. the following day. But I hadn't eaten dinner yet. So after scarfing down something from Sheetz (I think better when I have food in my stomach), I spotted some "10 minute lube" place about a half-mile up the road.

By this time it's 7:30, and the place closed at 7:00 p.m. But alas, the lights were still on! I think that the mixture of desperation and sheer determination in my voice convinced the two guys still there at the shop to look under the hood. Of course, I am willing to also give some credit to the following: great hair, a tight sweater, and my considerable charm. Who knows what really convinced them? I didn't care!

After about 10 minutes of poking around, the 23 year old guy excitedly announces that there is a broken wingnut on the cable-thingy that holds the battery in place. He theorized that somebody, along the way, tightened the thing so much that it sorta snapped, and whomever screwed it up tried to gerry rig the thing in place with some pins (they actually looked like carpet staples). This meant that every time my car hit the slightest of bumps, the battery would detach a bit from the cable, which was resulting in the loss of complete power as I drove. [Now I am sure I am completely phucking up this explanation, but trust me, it made sense and was the truth]

So the 23 year old (now my hero) disappeared for a few minutes, and then returned with some sort of bolt/screw that he had ground down to a suitable size that would fake out my battery in the short term. He somehow secured the thing in place (there was no duct tape used, for any of you smart asses who may be wondering!) My hero refused to take any money, or charge me anything. I finally left a $20 bill (I only had $29 in cash on me, and needed $8 for the turnpike toll) for him on the desk near where he was cleaning up, and ran to my now purring vehicle.

I then managed to drive the next 225+ miles home without stopping once. This was amazing, considering my famous world's smallest bladder.

Of course, the trip home had two of its own bizarre details that should be shared, in order to properly frame the evening . . . at one point I had switched lanes, going from the fast to slow lane, Not 100 feet later did I spot a mattress in the fast lane. Whew -- close miss, eh?! I thought about how bad the driver who lost the mattress must have felt when that sucker flew off their ride!

And then, a few miles later and still in the slow lane, I suddenly had to swerve onto the shoulder, as there was ANOTHER mattress on the road, rolled up like a friggin' burrito! And just as quickly as I swerved onto the shoulder, I had to swerve back onto the road, so as to not become impaled on a road sign. In my rearview mirror I watched the tractor-trailer behind me pull a similar dance.

I rolled in around midnight, thankfully. Only to be up at 5:00 a.m. the following morning to haul ass out to Oakland for my labwork and procedure. My life . . . oi vey.

Am I Insane?

On Thursday, we had house inspection for the place we put an offer in on. I had to work, but Dr. J has off on Thursday mornings, so he was designated as the one to be present with the inspector for the event, which takes a couple of hours.

Because so many of yinz have been asking to see photos of the house we are close to buying, I reminded Dr. J a bunch of times to "TAKE THE CAMERA WITH YOU -- TAKE A BUNCH OF PHOTOS!!!"

Surprisingly, Dr. J did remember to take the camera with him (this in itself is a feat).

Last night, after returning from a "date" with my husband, I asked him "You did take photos of the house, right?" to which he nodded enthusiastically and said "Oh yeah, I took a bunch!"

So this morning, being unable to sleep in (not sleeping well, again), I decide to download the photos onto our computer, and then uplink them to the Kodak Gallery, in the hopes of sharing with those with of you who have been inquiring.

Guess what? He did take a bunch! Yee haw! There's just one problem . . . THERE ISN'T ONE GAWDDAMN PHOTO OF THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya know, the thing people want to see MOST?!?!

I am this close to storming into the bedroom and smacking him awake with my best bitchslap and screaming "HOW CAN YOU TAKE 60 PHOTOS OF THE INSIDE OF A HOUSE, AND NEGLECT TO TAKE EVEN ONE OF THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE?!?!"

ARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I insane, or was it IMPLIED that when one is asked to "take photos of the house" it includes the OUTSIDE of the house! JUST ONE DAMN PHOTO!!!!!!!!!! ONE!!!!!!!!

Is it too early to begin drinking? It feels like it's going to be one of those days already.

We have to go back over to the house in a few hours to meet with our Realtor to discuss a few items that came up during the home inspection. Guess who is taking the camera with her, and will obtain a photo of the outside of the house?

Mourning the Loss of a Good Wiener

We recently went to a funeral. For a restaurant. Yes, a restaurant. You can read the article below for how the story unravels:

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06297/732392-46.stm

This past Saturday was the invitation-only party for the "funeral" and "rebirth." And WE were there! I was able to squire an invitation because I was a frequent customer while working downtown, and brought them a good ten or so new customers along the way.

This event was FABULOUS! They even had little programs printed up, with memorial verses and songs inside. One of their friends dressed up as "The Almost Reverend Kevin," everyone came in dark clothes, pretending to cry/wail -- SO MUCH FUN!!!

We received a new t-shirt bearing the new name, "Franktuary," and a CD containing all of the funeral music, hee-hee!

After the funeral, we feasted on their terrific hot dogs, and cupcakes from Dozen Cupcakes (which we have previously visited and LOVE!).

Anyhoo, just a cool Saturday night in Da 'Burgh!

V-Day Yum!

Dr. J and I typically bake "Lust Cookies" for Valentine's Day. But this year, the cookie-baking got scuttled for three reasons . . . (1) we were busy meeting with our Realtor putting in an offer on a house; (2) the snow and ice storm prevented us from safely making it to the sto' to purchase the ingredients (okay, so we failed to think ahead); and (3) SOMEBODY locked their keys in their car on V-Day after work, and thus had to wait until AAA came to rescue them, getting home late in the process.

Being as Dr. J was away this past weekend on business, I decided to surprise him with a belated V-Day fieldtrip to celebrate. I had read about this newish cupcake bakery, Dozen Cupcakes, in Squirrel Hill, and just knew, as soon as I checked out their web site, that is was THEE perfect place to take my sweetie, a cupcake aficionado!

We had a blast, munching on cupcakes and drinking our little cartons of milk (skim, of course!). It really is a teeny-tiny shop, but man, do their cupcakes pack a wallop! Aahhhhh, were they ever yummy!!! Mmmmm!!!!!!!!

Stocking Up on Staples

Last week we had a good-sized snowstorm, and lots of ice. Nothing catastrophic, mind you, but enough that you should stay off the roads if you could -- for maybe ONE whopping day.

Nonetheless, I always get a huge laugh at the t.v. and newspaper stories about folks who rush the grocery stores in advance of a snowstorm . . . as if we are gonna be snowed in for 3 weeks, and as if most of these folks don't already don't have TONS of food in their pantry (or could stand to skip a meal anyways)?!

It got me to wondering, what strange "essential" food/beverage items my friends and family must have at home to survive the blizzard??? (After all, there's something a little bizarre that all of us want to have on hand, to survive, LOL!)

Our list is something like this . . . microwave popcorn, wine, fudgesicles, and cereal for Dr. J.

Here's what the rest of you replied:

* Cereal
* Fresh milk (as opposed to sour milk? I dunno!)
* Diet Coke
* Water
* Bananas
* Cheese
* Popcorn
* Pretzels (2 votes)
* Beer (2 votes) -- interestingly, enough, the beer votes came from Buzz, and his son, Joe (wow -- what a stunner? NOT!!!)
* Frozen pizza
* Ramen noodles

And from the Kal-ee-forn-yah crew, who don't quite understand the whole "we need toilet paper" urgency . . .

* Pasta, water, dog food, bagels, butter, beer, and if that time, (sorry boys) tampons
* "As long as I have my stock of boobjuice storage bags, I'm good to go. I'll just wipe my ass clean on the wall."


Let's keep it all in perspective, folks! And hey, let's not forget -- Punxy Phil said we're having an early Spring!!!

I Did It Again!

As is my tradition, every year on our anniversary I try on my wedding dress. Some people think it's sweet and romantic, and a way to remind Dr. J of that special, beautiful day.

But that's not why I do it. I try it on to prove to myself that I can still fit into it.

I never wanted to be one of those women who looks great on her wedding day, and then, with each year, puts on more and more weight. I really worked hard to lose weight over the years. Not so I could look good on my wedding day, but because I was tired of how tiring it was (physically and emotionally) to be fat. I lost all of the weight well before my wedding day, but I knew that even after I was married, I wanted to keep in shape. I wanted to be someone, physically, that I was proud of, and someone that Dr. J could be proud to point to across the room and say "That's MY wife!"

So on our anniversary (either the 3rd or the 14th, depending upon how you count), I donned Thee Gown (STILL thee most beautiful gown ever!) . . . AND IT FIT, BABY!!!





And so now, I cheerfully say to anyone who has ever doubted me . . . HAH! Yeah, this is HOW I ROLL!


Yeah, go super-size yer fries, bitches -- while I show you how a real woman keeps in shape!

Bold Moves

First let me state 2 things:

(1) I love the Ford "Bold Moves" commercials . . . especially the one in which the attractive brunette pays for the drycleaning of the gorgeous man in the car behind her, and asks the clerk to give him her card. Very bold. Very cool. Makes me wish I was single, sometimes, just so I could steal that bold move.

(2) I love my Ford, and have had nothing but wonderful experiences with it. Until about a week ago.

That being said . . . I have been bitching about some loud, airplane engine-like noise my car has been making for over a week now. Had it to Midas AND the Ford Dealership, and no one knows why it's doing it. This is after shelling out $400+ in repairs less than a month ago, so vehicle passes inspection. Up until then, I have NEVER had a problem with my car, never spent more than the routine amount of money for oil changes and the occasional tire I ripped due to catching a curb here and there. And to think that I had been so happy when I made my FINAL car payment in November, LOL!

OF COURSE!

As I am driving home tonight, the rear wheels feel like they are sliding -- like I am skidding on ice -- only there is NO SNOW OR ICE on the road!

AAGGGGHHH!

It was downright dangerous -- I had to put on my flashers and do 30 in a 45 zone the last 5 miles of the trip.

After several panicky calls to Dr. J, I waited for him to come home and call AAA, and have my car towed to dealership. Then in morning he will drive me to airport to pick up a rental car, as I have meetings all over the place the next two days (the mileage reimbursement will likely cover the cost of me renting the car -- still, would have like to POCKET those funds myself!)

On top of everything else, I am friggin' tired to the bone.

I pride myself on being able to handle the numerous crisis that Life has thrown at me over the past several years. Not always well, but I do handle them, and quite efficiently.

But I can honestly say, CAR ISSUES are not one of those things I handle well. I suddenly turn into one of those weak, easily ruffled women when I am faced with a car crisis.

I wished I could have handled this like the Trophy Wife I aspire to be. But I suppose a Trophy Wife would have had a butler that she could have farmed out this whole frickin' issue to?! And we're not quite there yet, financially.

So as Dr. J followed my car as it was towed to the dealership, I made my own "Bold Move."

I took to my bathtub.

Screw You, B*tch!

I can't even begin to tell you how gawddamn offensive this is.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/01122007/postopinion/editorials/boxers_low_blow_editorials_.htm?page=0

As a woman who has has trouble conceiving, and has miscarried, including one baby as recently as this summer, I . . . I can't even begin to tell you how much I want to bitch-slap Barbara Boxer.

This is soooo reminiscent of what it's like when some ASS makes a dismissive remark to me like, "well, you don't know what it's like, because you don't have children!"

There is steam coming out of my ears right now.

And people wonder WHY we left Kal-ee-forn-yah?!

Yeah, maybe if Secretary of State Rice had confessed that she had KILLED her baby (oh, excuse me, that's called "choice" to Liberals), maybe THEN Barbara Boxer would consider her qualified to advise and carry out political and war policy?!?!?

Who ARE these people who vote for Democrats, let alone Liberals? I sure as hell don't get it.

They probably are the same people who decry women in China and India having an abortion when the sonogram reveals they are carrying a girl. But they have NO PROBLEM with regular ol' abortions in America -- that's a "choice!".

HULLO?!?! Anyone home up there?!

Travel Thoughts

I knew my new job would involve more travel than my old gig. And that's a good thing, as I hate being stuck in the office, and felt that my prior employer wasted my talents by not putting me in the field more.

In the 5 weeks I have been employed at my new job, I have had 4 overnight trips (not to mention a half-dozen meetings that have taken me all around town). This amount of travel gives one significant time to observe people in airports, hotels, meetings, and so on. I have been keeping a running list in my head, which I have come to call "Travel Observations" . . .

* Why do people RUSH the gate when the airline employee announces that it's time for "preboarding" -- I mean, unless you're flying Southwest, you already have an ASSIGNED SEAT! Are these people getting to our destination before I do? And now that you can hardly take any toiletries in your carry-on luggage, it throws out a large part of the reason people clamor for the space in the overhead compartments.

* What is it about waiting for their flight to begin boarding that makes fat people suddenly have the overwhelming urge for ice cream? I can't tell you how many times I have seen fat folks eating Ben & Jerry's, while on the people-mover walkway at the airport!!! At the same time, I also have been spotting a bunch of too-skinny people munching on an apple while walking by in their Birkenstocks.

* Why can I never find non-caffineated beverages (like pop and tea) when I need them? I have begun carrying my own decaf tea bags and Sweet-N-Low, and just paying for a cup of hot water.

* What IS that musty smell that hotel rooms often have??? I now pack lavender linen spray from Crabtree & Evelyn, to make things more pleasant.

Maybe I am just a bit tired. But all of the above is still true.